


Untangling (A Falling One shot)

by Harrysbabylou



Series: Falling For you [5]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Light Bondage, M/M, Rimming, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-22 22:34:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 82,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23001472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Harrysbabylou/pseuds/Harrysbabylou
Summary: Zayn and Matt's Story
Relationships: Zayn Malik/Original Male Character(s)
Series: Falling For you [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1465426
Comments: 3
Kudos: 9





	Untangling (A Falling One shot)

Matt walks quickly down the corridor,his white trainers squeaking on the vinyl flooring as he darts between staff and patients. He had been interning at The Promis Clinic for two weeks now and today he would finally be shadowing his mentor. He had been lucky enough to be placed with Doctor Stanley Middles, who he had grown rather fond of the second he met the man. He was warm and welcoming and he felt that he would gain some skills from him that would really push him forward in his career. He had hardly slept last night with how excited he was.

He paused by Doctor Middles office to take a deep calming breath, then knocked before entering.

"Good morning Sir!" Doctor Middles looks up from his desk, large blue glasses perched on the end of his nose, light brown hair already a mess on the top of his head.

"Morning Mr Davidson, how are you?" Matt steps over to the desk, holding his hand out for a firm handshake.

"Really good Sir, so excited to see you work today." Doctor Middles chuckles, motioning for Matt to sit down on the chair placed in the corner of the room for him.

"Please just call me Stanley, its much easier then all this Sir and Doctor business I keep getting from you interns." Matt nods, cheeks flushing slightly as he sits down. Doctor Middles was very highly thought of so Matt could not help feeling a little proud to be on first name bases.

"I have a new patient coming in to see me any minute. Seventeen, admitted himself after an accidental overdose of Heroin. Regular drug user, described as depressed by parents but not diagnosed." Matt picks up a notepad and pen that had been placed on the small desk by his seat and starts to take notes.

"Nothing too heavy today as he is new to us, just getting to see where his head is at. His parents said he is a bit of a loner. Angry and prone to lashing out, but they admit fault with that one." He pulls his glasses off, rubbing at his eyes as he turns in his seat to face Matt. Matt's pen pauses as he waits for more information.

"They have admitted to neglecting him, and we have been informed that he was in a sexual relationship with an adult possible when he was a minor, consensual, not that it makes it any better." He shakes his head turning back to his desk, glasses sliding back up his nose. "Said adult has recently been arrested for the statutory Rape of, I believe, five other minors. Obviously this is something we will have to bring up with him at some point but we certainly wont be pushing him on the subject." A sick feeling swirls in Matt's stomach at the thought of what the poor boy had been through, mixed with anger. He never understood what could posses an adult to harm a child in any way.

"I just want you to listen today, you will sit in on more of his sessions and as time goes on you can join in. You happy with that?"  
"Yes sir." There is a soft knock on the door, a young nurse poking her head in with a smile.

"Mr Malik for you Doctor Middles." She opens the door wider, arms spread as the boy shuffles in. He is in pyjamas, soft black hair flat across his forehead. He looks nervous, his eyes flicking about the room, they land on Matt for a second before rolling over to Stanley.

He walks over to the chair in front of the desk, body bending as he sits.

His skin is a pale grey colour, clammy and sickly looking. His right leg starts to bounce as soon as he sits, his hands clutching at his baggy white top.

He was beautiful.

Matt has to blink away the thought, clearing his throat as he shuffles in his seat.

"Good morning Zayn." Stanley speaks softly, keeping his voice low. The nurse leaves, the door clicking shut behind her. Zayn jumps a little, head turning to look at the door. Matt can see him swallow before he turns back again.

"How are you feeling? Have you settled into you room?"

"Yes." Stanley smile, appearing delighted with the simple reply.

"I am so glad, if there is anything you need you can ask any member of staff. I wont keep you here for long, is there anything you would like to ask?" Zayn stays quite, eyes still roaming around the room.

"Anything you would like to talk about?" Again he stays quite. Matt was expecting it and Stanley did not look surprised either.

"I spoke to your parents briefly, they are worried of course." This seem to grab Zayn's attention. His eyes zone in on Stanley his lip curving up in a sneer. Matt makes a note of the reaction on his pad.

"They don't care."

"Why do you think that Zayn?" Zayn slumps back in the chair, the tapping of his foot getting louder on the floor. He shrugs, pulling at his top.

"They feel guilty is all. Nobody actually fucking cares." Zayn laughs. A short sharp sound that sends a chill up Matt's spine. Zayn moves his head back, fingers starting to tap on the side of the chair.

He is agitated, like he is full of energy that he can't get out. Matt frowns, watching his leg get quicker and quicker.

"Why do you think nobody cares?" Zayn huffs head dropping down again.

"Because i'm not my sister. The perfect little dancer. Nope, i'm just the Gay one. The one they got wrong. I'm fucked up and I fuck other people up. I'm surprised that is not already in your file." Zayn laughs again, nails dragging over the arm of the chair. Matt makes another note on his pad, wondering if Stanley had come to the same conclusion as him.

"It must be hard for you, feeling that way." Zayn leans back until the front legs of the chair lift off the floor. For a second Matt thinks he is going to let it tip all the way back. He tenses, waiting for Zayn to slam into the floor. He leans forward again, the chair slamming back down as he presses his chest into the desk.

"I know what you are trying to do. I don't want to be here anymore. I changed my mind. Where is Mason? I want Mason?" He looks startled suddenly, head snapping from side to side. He looks so young. Afraid.

"You parents said you are aware of his arrest." Zayn groans, digging the heel of his shoes into the ground as he pushes his chair back, the wood making a ear piecing sound on the floor. Matt looks down at his lap, not wanting Zayn to see his reaction to it.

"Oh yeah. Fuck, poor me hey? Is there anyone that has not fucked me over? Didn't even know he was fucking kids did I." He laughs, like its actually a funny situation to be in. Like the man had not been fucking him when he was a kid.

"Do you want to talk about that?"

"No, what I want to do it leave. I have a contact list right? Who is on it? Cassie? Is she on there? I think I would like her please. She will come get me." Stanley moves some papers around on his desk, stopping to read what Matt guessed was Zayn's list of approved contacts.

"Only your parents are on the list."

"Who's he?" Matt jumps, Zayn spinning to look straight at him.

"This is Matthew, he is my intern."

"Why?" Zayn's leg starts bouncing again and Matt can tell he is looking at the notes on his lap.

"I like helping people." Matt answers for himself before Stanley can. Zayn sniffs loudly, nose scrunching up.

"You're not helping though are you. You are just sitting there. Getting a fucking eyeful."

"Mr Malik?" Zayn sighs, turning his attention away from Matt. Matt had not realised how tensed he had become until his shoulders are sagging in relief.

"What?"

"You went home before coming here correct? To pack." Zayn nods, starting to chew on his thumb nail.

"May I ask what you done while you where at home?" Matt knows now that he had noticed the same thing as him.

Zayn was high.

Letting Zayn admit it himself would make him feel more in control.

"I packed my shit because that is what I was told to do."

"Anything else?" Zayn leans back, looking up at the ceiling. He stays quite and Stanley seems happy to wait. Matt edges forward in his chair, hand gripping his pen tighter. After what feels like hours Zayn lets out a sigh, back arching slightly.

"I took a pill because I figured one wouldn't kill me. Then I had a quick wank." He laughs, head lolling to the side, eyes meeting Matts.

"You like that pretty boy? Hand wrapped around my cock?" He lifted his hand up waggling his fingers. "You can think about that later if you like." He chuckles at Matt's blush.

"Do you want to tell us what you took? Just so we can care for you properly."

"Ecstasy, my old friend. Friend. Friends." He looks sad suddenly, body slumping as he pouts.

"Thank you for telling me Zayn." His pen makes scratching noise as he makes a note in Zayn's folder.

Matt feels annoyance flare up in him as he watches Zayn. How had his parents thought it was okay to leave Zayn alone, knowing he could have drugs stashed away in his room. Matt would not have taken his eyes of him for a second.

Neglect. He had been neglected, right up to the moment he walked through the doors.

Matt felt protective of him suddenly. He wanted to make sure Zayn never felt that way ever again.

Xxxxxxx

Matt taps his pen impatiently on his desk, ignoring the annoyed looked he was receiving from the girl next to him. She smelt like smoke and has spent the last lecture popping her chewing gum right by his ear so he certainly was not going to feel bad about his tapping.

Since he started working at the rehab centre he had been feeling more and more restless at his lectures.

He didn't want to be sat in a classroom listening to his tutor drone on and on about things he already knew. He wanted to be out there, actually getting first hand experience and helping people.

Three months.  
He had three months, a handful of gruelling exams and then he would be qualified and hopefully working.

"Will you stop?" Matt turns to smoke girl, a bored expression on his face

"You smell funky. And no." He turned back to his tutor so he at least looks like he is paying attention, pen still tapping.

He had spent a good portion of his night thinking about the patient he had sat in on. Zayn Malik.  
He was not sure why, he certainly wasn't any different to most the other patients. Recovering drug addicts or alcoholics with bad past and horrible family lives.

He was the youngest Matt had dealt with so far, maybe that was it. Or maybe it's because he was pretty and Matt was going to be the type of counsellor that only wanted to help pretty people.

No, that wound make him a bit of an arsehole.

"Don't forget to write up your report at the end of the week, I expect it here on Monday morning or I will mark you down as absent for this week of interning." Matt had been filling out his report every evening when he got home from work so he was not to worried. 

Smoke girl muttered a quite 'shit' as she started to pack up her stuff.

Matt got a small kick out of her panic.

He was due at the rehab in an hour so he rushed home to shower and change into smarter clothes.

His phone rang as he was leaving 'mum' flashing across the screen. He hesitated for a second before silencing it. She would understand.

He manages to pull into the car park a few minutes early so he quickly sends a text to him mum to let him know that he was alive, yes he has been eating a balanced diet and no he had not been partying loads. He had no idea what kind of wild life she thinks he lead but he literally just went to uni, work and slept.

He probably should be living the life she thinks he is but all he has ever been able to focus on since leaving high-school nearly five years ago is becoming qualified.

He flashes his ID to security giving them a polite smile as they open the door for him.

He wonder if he will ever get used to the smell of disinfectant as he signs in at reception. It wasn't quite like walking into a hospital but it was pretty close.

He finds Stanley standing outside a patients bedroom, hands on his hips as he looks in through the doors.

"Morning sir." He nods his head in towards the room with a sigh.

"This one is not doing well." Matt comes to a stop next to Stanley, twisting to look in.

Zayn was laying across his bed, a nurse sitting by his head as he heaved into a sink bowl.

"Oh." Stanley sighed, pulling his glasses off to clean then with his tie.

"He has been doing that since about 2am apparently."

"Is it normal for them to be vomiting for twelve hours?" They both start walking down the corridor, Matt looking back over his shoulder as Zayn's gut wrenching sounds seem to follow them.

"On and off maybe, but he hasn't seem to stopped for more then a couple of minutes. He will be fine though."

"Why is he so sick? The drugs he took yesterday would have worn off less then twenty four hours ago right? He shouldn't be in withdrawal yet. Should we be concerned about how much worse he could get?" Stanley patted his arm, a small smile on his face.

"He is being looked after. We don't know the full details yet. We don't know how often he took drugs, for all we know he could have been taken one as soon as the last worn off. If this is the case then yes his body may already be going into withdrawal. Or he simple could have picked up a sickness bug, especially if he had been in hospital before hand. Surprisingly germy places hospitals."

They go into Stanley's office and Matt tries his hardest to listen as he go over another patients file with him but the urge he feels to go back to Zayn's room and take the nurses spot is almost unbearable.

" Mr Davidson, I feel I have lost you." Matt startles back into the room, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry. I'm here, promise." Stanley sighs, clasping his hands together over his desk.

"Matthew, a classroom will only prepare you for so much. You will know how to help but you won't fully understand the feeling you get when you see people at their lowest. You may not end up working in a setting like this but you will always deal with people who have reached a very low point in their lives. A patient throwing up for twelve hours straight is nothing. A classroom does not teach you how to keep your head screwed on and do the best thing for the people in your care. " Stanley keeps smiling, the complete opposite to the look on Matts face.

"Don't look so worried. This is why you are here with me. To learn the real stuff."

Xxxxxxxxx

Matt wonders if learning the real stuff will always involve so much sick.

He looks down at his red sick stained shirt with a pout. Lesson learnt.  
Always bring spare clothes. Always.

He feels a pang of jealousy for the students in his class they got placed in offices. Sitting in a warm cosy room listening to people talk all day suddenly seem far more appealing then helping people with addiction.

By the time he buttons up a shirt he had borrowed from a random nurse who had seen him spinning in a circle looking distressed he had scolded himself for such a thought and left the staff changing rooms determined to not let himself feel down about it again.

He was lucky. This is what he wanted to do. He did not want to be in a office all day. He just had to learn some tips. Like spare clothes.

"Matthew!" Matt stopped and spun on his heels as Stanley's assistant came rushing towards him, piece of paper flapping in her hand.

"Hi sorry! Stanley had to leave for an emergency but he asked me to give you this. We are short staffed so he wants you over at the pharmacy for now helping hand out the medication." Matt frowned looking down at the paper in his hand.

"That's just a form for the pharmacist to fill out to say they have supervised you. I know it's not part of your training but we really are short staffed today. The sickness bug had hit it seems." Matt tried not to think about the vomit he had just been covered in because that will lead to him working out how high his chances are of throwing up by the end of the day.

"OK sure. It's all experience right? Could be interesting." She looks relived that Matt had agreed, thanking him before rushing of again.

Matt makes his way over to the pharmacy, getting his form signed then trying to take in everything he was told.

It turned out pretty simple as all he had to do is make sure he handed the right cup of medicine to the right person and tick on their file that they had taken their course for that time of day.

"Can you take this tray. Its for the patient's who are bed bound. I wrote the name and room number on the cups, you can do their files when you get back.

She hands him a small silver tray with six cups balanced on it. He noticed Zayn's name straight away, looking into the cup at what he was being given.

"Sorry. Do you mind me asking why Zayn Maliks is the only one without any form of pain relief?" She keeps her back to him when she answers, pen scratching over paper.

"Because that is what is on his file. Every patient is different, Mr Malik must have refused it. Or his parents depends if he was put in charge of himself or not. A lot of patients with drug problems won't accept any form of medication other then the nausea pills."

"How will we cope with his pain?"

"Meditation is on offer." Matt almost laughs at that.

"I have only been on the room with him for half an hour and I can tell you he will not be into meditation. What do we do if he requests pain relief?" She looks up, bored at his questioning.

"We say no or we risked getting sued when he relapses in our care. Now off you go, they will be waiting." Matt frowns, only just stopping himself from asking more questions when they were clearly not wanted anymore. To him it seemed unrealistic to only offer meditation as another from of pain relief when it was not everybody's thing. Surely there were other things they could offer to help.

Letting out a loud sigh Matt turns and leaves the pharmacy heading towards the rooms.

It turns out it's a lot harder to get these patients to take their medication but Matt manages to keep the smile on his face as they swallow, show him their empty mouths and call him every name under the sun. He pauses, the fourth cup on his tray has Zayn's name on it. He was sure he would be as big a ray of sunshine as the other three.

He knocks three times before entering. Zayn is curled up in his double bed, his body covered by the thick green blanket. Matt clears his throat as he steps into the room, taking the cup off the tray and shaking it.

"Medicine time." Zayn does not reply but the blanket moves a little and Matt hears him let out a puff of air.

"I er, I would leave them on the side until you feel more up to it but I have to see you swallow them so i can mark it down. so.." Matt rocks back on his feet as he waits for Zayn to sit up.

"I'm not going to leave. I am very good at amusing myself. I have a thing about facts. Oh man I know so many facts, like did you know-" Zayn sits up, eyes narrowed in a glare, hair matted to his head. He stretches his arms out, hand shaking as he waits for Matt to drops the two pills into his palm.

Matt steps towards the end of the bed, leaning over slightly to pass them to him.

"Thank you." Zayn throws them back, swallowing them dry before opening his mouth for Matt to see.

"Is there anything else I can get you? I know you're feeling really sick right now and that's probably making this whole thing much worse so I would like to help." Zayn falls back onto his back, tugging the blanket over his head.

"Anything at all?"

"It would really help if you just fucked off." Mat nods, grip tightening on the tray as he slowly backed away.

"Yeah of course. If you think of anything come find me. Or Doctor Middles. Anything at all. I hope you feel better in the morning." Matt bumps into the door frame, the last cup on the tray falling over. He picks it back up, closing the door behind him Zayn's annoyed groan swirling around his head.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"You are being very unprofessional Laura." Matt glances to his left, where two nurses are huddled close together. He tries to ignore them, figuring it's best to stay out of any potential trouble while interning.

"No I am not. Everyone is saying it. I mean he has been a pain in the arse from the get go but honestly have you ever seen a face like that?" Matt frowns, snatching up a half decent looking apple and placing it on his plate next to his tuna sandwich.  
He really hoped they where not being mean to someone.

Matt had only been working at the private facility for a couple of weeks, and his biggest shock so far was how horrid the staff could be to the patients. These poor people where forking out thousands of pounds in an attempt to get better, they deserved a lot of respect and a lot of kind words too.

"No I guess I haven't. He has got to be the best looking boy I have ever seen. He is only seventeen too. Looks older don't he? I wouldn't say no." Matt picks his tray up, making eye contact with one of the girls as he moved. She blushed before stepping out of his way so he could reach the drinks.

"Thanks." he mutters reaching for a bottle of water.  
"Who are you even talking about?" He asks without meaning to, cursing himself for even getting the slightest bit involved.

"Moody Malik over there." Matt looks over his shoulder towards where Zayn was sitting in the corner of the canteen.

His food was in front of him, a nurse sat opposite him, probably trying to get him to eat. His arms where wrapped around his chest, his head back as he ignored her.

Yes, Matt thinks, yes he is the best looking boy he has ever seen too. Sad too, so sad.

He was the kind of person Matt wanted to help. He would love to get into his beautiful mind and pick apart all the pieces they made Zayn who is is right at this moment. Then he wanted to put the pieces back together again and help them heal.

"Zayn Malik. I'm sure he would rather be called that don't you Nurse?" Her blush deepens and then her and her friend are rushing off.

Matt clutches his tray closer to his chest only taking a second to make the decision to take one of the empty seats by Zayn.

"Afternoon." Zayn doesn't react to Matts presence but the nurse gives him a pleasant smile.

"You not hungry?" Zayn sighs dropping his head forward.

"Do you not like what's on the menu? Maybe we could sneak you something in?" He looks across at the nurse who is no longer looking so pleasantly at him.

"Or not it would seem. You would think with the price they charge for a room it would be more fine dining then school dinners am I right." He laughs to himself, picking up his knife to start slicing his apple.

"Want to share my apple? I think I managed to get the best one, even if its still not that desirable." The nurse suddenly stands, looking beyond fed up.

"You got him yeah? I'm taking a break." She starts to walk off before she has even finished talking.

"Oh well, I'm only an interns I'm not too sure... OK yeah so shes gone. Apple?" He turned back to Zayn pushing his plate closer to him in hopes he will want to share.

"What sandwich did you pick?" Zayn picks his sandwich up and Matt brightens thinking he is finally going to eat. Zayn pulls the bread apart then slams it down. Matt jumps as jam smears across the table in front of him. Zayn turns his body round until he is facing Matt, eyes completely void of any emotion.

"Talk to me again and I will punch you in the fucking throat." Zayn stand up chair scrapping loudly on the floor. Matt has had patients threaten him before mostly the ones not here by choice.

This is the first time he really believes it though.

Not that he is going to let that put him off.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Since a lot of the staff are still off with sickness Matt had agreed to spend the rest of the week handing out medicine in the morning and afternoon when he could. Zayn was now up and out of his room regularly. He didn't look happy about it but Matt was glad to see him about more often. He had not been in any more of his session with Doctor Middles. Instead he found himself sitting in with a few others, barely able to keep paying attention as his thoughts kept drifting to Zayn. He had not idea what it was about him but whatever it was, was taking up most of Matt's brain space.

He was heading towards him now, scowl on his face. Matt grab his medication, holding it our ready for him.

"Did you know Tomato Ketchup was sold as medicine in the 1800s?" Matt has no idea why that even came out of his mouth.

Zayn pauses for a second, eyes flicking up to Matts. The breath catches in Matt throat and he feels like everything slows down. He thought that only happened in movies and books, but one look for Zayn and it really was like everything just slowed and dissolved.

Zayn tips the tablets into his mouth, snatching a paper cup of water from the small table next to Matt to wash them down with. Once he has shown Matt his mouth is empty he throws both cups on the floor by Matt's feet then walks off.

Matt bends down to pick the cups up letting out a laugh.

"Ketchup? What the hell."

xxxxxxxxx

Matt is in the office with five other interns when they hear the commotion coming from the rec room. They all get up and rush down the hall to have a look at whats going on, all still new enough to this that the drama sometimes excites them.

Matt, and the others, are not really surprised when they are met with the sight of a trashed room and Zayn Malik being pinned to the floor by two males nurses. His face is bright red, the veins on his neck bulging out as he screams and strains against the hands holding him down.

His foot slams into the leg of one of the nurses and Matt steps into the room when it looks like he is about to lose his temper with Zayn. Someone pushes passed Matt, a syringe in her hand as she makes her way over to them.

"No, he doesn't wan-" The needle is being pushed into him before Matt can even finish his sentence. Zayn lets out a few more yells, his movements slowing down before he slumps back onto the floor, head rolling to the side.

Everyone has left by now, losing interest quickly. Matt stays and follows them until Zayn has been placed back into bed and been left alone to sleep of his sedative.

Matt swallows the lump in his throat as he watches the team of nurses walk away .

"He wouldn't have wanted that." He looks sadly at Zayn's closed door before turning and heading back to the office to attempt to get on with his paperwork.

xxxxx

He is clammy today, his skin a shocking shade of yellow as he take the paper cup from Matt with shaking hands.  
Matt imagines he has never needed his anti nausea tablets so much before.  
"Did you know butterfly's taste with their hind feet?"

"I need pain relief." Matt looks down at the chart attached to Zayn name. He knows he can't say yes to Zayn but he finds himself hoping something had changed since. That he can offer him something that will actually make this easier for him.

"I'm sorry, its just the nausea tablets you can take."

"I don't care about feeling sick, it's the pain that's the issue." Matt feels helpless all of a sudden.

"I'm sorry Zayn, it's on your chart. You can't have pain relief, it was agreed at you-" Matt cuts of as Zayn swings his hand out knocking over most the medicine cups on Matts cart. Matt steps back as the tablets scatter on the floor, mixing up and getting dirty. He tries not to think about how much that just cost.

"Fuck you. You don't even fucking help."

"I'm sorry, I really am." Zayn shakes his head then walks off. Matt looks around him throat going dry. Everyone has stopped to look over, patients looking disgruntled about having the peace disturbed. Someone starts picking up the spilled medication but Matt hardly pays them any attention as he leaves the room and heads into the hallway.

He wants to help people. That is why he is doing this. He feels helpless right now though. He cant give someone what they need to feel better and that makes him feel so guilty. It's for the best, he knows that, but Zayn looks so miserable. So sick. So in pain.

This is how Stanley finds him. Crouched against the walls trying to steady his breathing and his nerves.

"Come take a walk with me." Matt lets Stanley tug him away from the wall, hand loosely wrapped around his elbow as he leads him outside. The gardens are massive, a few patients walking around the outskirts of the lush green grass enjoying the cool air. Stanley motions for them to sit down on the bench against the wall of the building. They must be sitting by the kitchens because he smell of lunch is drifting out making Matt's stomach rumble.

"Why do you want to do this job Matthew?" Matt looked down at his lap, picking at a loose thread by his pocket. His mum would have scolded him for that. A quick sharp slap to his hand to get him to stop because the last thing she needed was to find time to stitch his trouser back together. Sometimes Matt forget he is an adult now who was capable of fixing his own clothes, or simply going to the shop to buy more, so he dropped his hand to the side.

"My grandad. He suffered from addiction and it effected my mum really badly. When he got really sick she moved him in to our house. I was four at this point so I grew up watching the way it would weigh down on her. I don't know, I guess I feel like it took a big bit of my childhood away, took my mum away for quite some years. Probably why I'm such a childish mummy's boy now." Stanley laughed, hands clasping together on his lap as he listened.

"I don't want that for other people. My grandad obviously grew up at a time when men didn't ask for help because men are not suppose to need help.. If he knew it was okay, if he had someone who knew what to do and say. If he had a place like this to go to then life would have been better not just for him. My mum too. Helping one person can help a lot of other people at the same time. I want to do that. I want to give people their lives back and also their family and friends. " Stanley nodded, turning to look at Matt.

"Matthew that is a very selfless reason and to be honest I not surprised at all. You have a caring nature to you. What you need to understand it that not everyone can be helped. You will come across people who are too angry and too broken to be helped. We will try. We will make ourselves sick trying but sometimes we will fail. I want you to know this now."

"Do you mean Zayn Sir? Its only been a few days. I believe he will do well. Don't you?" Please say he will do well.

"I don't necessarily mean him no. But Zayn has been through a lot, I worry there is more going on in that head of his then we think. Why don't you sit in on another one of his session soon. You seem to be attached and I think that could be helpful. I'm not sure if he has ever had the right kind of person attached to him before. You could be good." Matt liked that idea. Of being someone who could really help Zayn. Any patient really. Was Stanley right though? Could he be good for Zayn? Could he help him?

"I would like that. Thank you Sir."

"Stanley." He gets up patting his pockets. "I'm going to stop answering to this Sir nonsense soon."

xxxxxxxx

Zayn looks really to break. It's making Matt nervous, his grip on his pen almost tight enough to bend it. His eye flick between Stanley and Zayn, waiting for one of them to say something.

Stanley looks calm, shuffling some papers around on his desk, glasses on and lips pursed out as he read. He seem oblivious to the murderous look Zayn is sending his way and Matt is considering how bad it would be to throw his pen at his head when he finally looks up.

"Zayn, I would like to talk about your parents." Zayn groans, slumping down in his chair.

"How old were you when you told your parents that you were gay?" Matt tenses up at the question. That could be a sensitive to a fully functioning stable person, it could be a minefield to someone like Zayn. Matt takes note of how Zayn grips onto his chair, his jaw tenses as he grits his teeth, his eyes somehow managing to get darker.

"I was fourteen when I told them I thought I might be gay." Stanley nods making a note. Zayn follows the movement of his pen. Matt wonders if Stanley was trying to annoy him on purpose.

"Were they supportive." Zayn fingers started strumming against the wood. He glances at Matt for a second, Matts heart doing a slight lurch, then he focuses down on his feet that are pushing against the desk in front of him.

"My mother grabbed me by my hair and dragged me across the house. My father held the door open for her so she could throw me out into the street." He leaned forward, feet dropping to the floor as he grabbed a spare pen off the desk, twirling it between his fingers. "I guess sucking on dick was not what she had planned for her son to be doing." Matt has to look away, bile in his throat. He pictures a younger, more carefree Zayn plucking up the courage to tell his parents such a big thing.

He can't really put it words how it felt to him when he came out as gay to his parents. It was the scariest yet the most liberating thing he done, but it was also a hundred other feelings he had never felt before.

It's something they should not have to do in Matts opinion. Why should they have to come out as gay when a straight person does not have to come out as straight. Why does a man not sit his parents down after weeks and week, years and years, of agonising to say 'Sorry mum and dad but I think i'm straight'.

Why should a scared fourteen year old finally get to that place to tell the people he trust only to have them throw him out into the street like he is rubbish. For something that does not change him. For something he can not change about himself. For something that should not be a big thing.

"That must have been hard for you." Zayn laughs. It's empty, but its the kind of laugh he imagines Zayn uses a lot. This is his life. He is used to it. He laughs because he has accepted it.

He makes a note of it then looks back towards him.

"I managed."

"You mind me asking how you managed?" Zayn sniffs, swiping his hand across his nose glancing at Matt again. He wants to ask if Zayn would rather he leave. Was this something he was more comfortable talking about alone? Maybe having someone close to his age sitting in the room was making him embarrassed about opening up.

"My parents let me into the house sometimes, other times I had people to go to."

"Did you feel safe with these people?"

"Some of them." Stanley drops his pen, resting his chin in his hands.

"Hows the pain?" Zayn doesn't answer but its clear on his face. He is in pain. His body is screaming out for what it thinks it needs and its punishing him for not giving in.

"The nausea?"

"Manageable."

"You don't want the methadone?" The question surprises Matt. Methadone was often offered to people who were dependent on Heroin or other opioid drugs. It helped with withdrawal and made it possible for people to go about a pretty normal day. If Stanley was offering this to Zayn it meant Zayn had not passed over responsibly to his parents and it was him himself that was stopping them from giving him any medication other then to treat his nausea.

He was in pain. He was not sleeping. He was throwing up. Yet someone he was still sitting here and saying no to anything that could help.

"Who did you feel safe with outside of your parents." Zayn looks throw for a second, clearly thinking that line of conversation is over.

"I didn't feel safe with my parents." Matt and Stanley both make a note of this.

"Then who?" Zayn shifts in his seat chewing on his finger.

"I had a friend, Cassie. She took me in, made sure I had what needed. Her and-" He stops, teeth biting down so hard Matt can see the skin turn white under the pressure. "She helped. And I had Mason." A look crosses Stanley's face that lets Matt know this was where he was trying to lead it too. He hoped Zayn did not pick up on the same look or they would lose him.

"Mr Sykes was your maths teacher at school correct?" Zayn nods, hand falling from his mouth as his pulls his jumper down over them.

"You confided in him?"

"Yeah. He noticed a change. I was falling asleep in class a lot, falling behind. And um... I had not been able to wash or change my clothes for a few days." The need Matt suddenly feels to go back in time, find that version of Zayn and tell him it would be okay, he would help him, was so unbelievable strong Matt lost his breath for a moment.

"That must have been nice. To have an adult who made you feel cared for." Zayn's eyes narrowed, lip curling slightly.

"That ain't why I started fucking with him. I don't have daddy issues."

"Of course not." Stanley picks his pen back up starting to write again.

"He was nice OK. I know people are saying stuff about him now and what he done with those other kids was wrong. I know that and I wouldn't let him near me now. But he was nice to me and he made me feel safe. I wanted to sleep with him. I wanted that because it made me feel good and he wanted that for me. He gave me a place to stay and food and I got to shower and wash my clothes so people didn't laugh at me. He didn't ask for anything in return." Matt doesn't know how he keeps the sick down. He wants to leave the room. To run and make himself forget the look on Zayn's face. The way he spoke the words.

He has no idea. No idea at all that an adult saw him at a low point and used it to groom him. That the things he just listed did come at a price.

One day he would see it and everything he is building up now with come crashing down again.

"How do you see yourself?" Matt didn't mean to ask, he glances at Stanley to see if he had stepped out of line, but he seems okay with the question. Zayn looks over to Matt, staring at him for a few seconds before answering.

"I'm nothing. I'm dirt. I'm disgusting. I should... My mum shouldn't have came in my room that day. She never fucking comes into my room. I didn't mean to but it should have happened. I shouldn't be here. I'm a waste that's how I see myself. I'm a waste."

Matt doesn't sleep that night.  
Or the night after.

Xxxxxxx

Matt feels nervous as Zayn walks towards him. He looks worse then yesterday and Matt knows from reading his chart that he has been up all night vomiting. It's been quite a few days now that any kind of drug has been in Zayn's system. He was suffering even more then it looked like he was.

Matt remains silent at he hands his medicine over, not wanting to cause him anymore discomfort or anger. Zayn empties the cup into his mouth, passing it back to Matt.

"Thank you."

"Whats my fact?"

"Huh?" Matt marks down on his chart that the medicine has been took.

"My fact. You haven't told me one. What is it?"

"Oh. Oh! Hmm... There is a town in Canada called Dildo. Maybe that's why Canadians are so nice all the time. Cause you know, the dildo." Zayn's lip twitches just slightly and Matt kind of feels like he can reach the stars.

"You're really weird." Zayn shakes his head then walks away, the tilt to his lips still visible

Matt is still soaring at the end of his shift as he heads towards the uni.

Xxxxxx

The next day Matt does not see Zayn until the last ten minutes of his shift.  
He is in the rec room alone.  
Matt walks in, hands clasped behind his back as he looks around trying to give the impression he is here to keep an eye on things and not snoop on Zayn.

He stops behind Zayn's chair, leaning forward on his toes to peak over his shoulder.

He is hunched over a tattered notebook, a broken pen in his hand.  
He has to keep his thumb in a certain position to keep it from falling apart but it doesn't seem to bother him as he works away over the paper.

His had is shaking, so is his leg, but his lines stay perfectly straight.

He thinks this is the calmest and most relaxed he has ever seen him.

He watches for a few more moment before walking over to the nurse in charge. Sarah if he remembers correctly.

"Hey. What are the art supplies like here?" She shrugs pointing over to Zayn's desk.

"That's it"

"Wait, are you serious? These people pay this much for a crappy notebook and a broken pen?"

"They pay that much for luxury rooms, on call counselling, better food and the best treatment they could possible have." Matt doesn't even know where to begin with arguing back about that.

"Right OK. Who can I talk to about possibly getting some more art stuff here? I believe one of my patients would highly benefit from a higher choice."

"Finance I guess. But you will need to get someone to sign off on that. Interns don't exactly get to go around making demands on spending money." That wouldn't be a problem. He had no doubt Stanley would help him with providing Zayn with some stuff. As far as Matt knew Zayn had not joined any of the clubs or gone to any of the support groups. Maybe art was the key.

"I can do that. Thank you." He turns to leave, stopping when he sees that Zayn has left. He goes over to where he had been sitting, his picture still on the table.

It was beautifully draw. A person with no face, which would normally be a little creepy to Matt but somehow he just... he got it.

He wanted to know who it was. Did Zayn have someone in mind while drawing? Did they mean something to him? Did they make him happy or sad?

He carefully tears the page out folding the paper and slipping it into his back pocket.

He felt like he had found something good.  
He just had to get Stanley to agree. He thinks this could be a part of the key to unlocking Zayn.

Xxxxxx

"Some cats are actually allergic to humans."

"Where do you get this stuff." Zayn is shaking so much today that Matt has to steady the bottom of his cup for him as he places it to his lips. It shows how bad Zayn is feeling when he let's him do it, his own shaking hand gently resting on Matts.

"The Internet mostly." Matt places the now empty cup back onto the cart.

"You really annoy me." Matt nods, filling out Zayn chart

"I know." Zayn's body sways forward slightly, his eyes rolling.

"I'm gonna-" Matt manages to catch him before he hits the ground, Zayn's vomit splashing at his feet.

Matt lowers him gently to the floor, turning him onto his side as his stomach heaves and he throws up again.

"Its okay. You're Okay." Matt smooths back Zayn's hair his eyes fluttering closed as his body slumps on Matts lap.

Matt hooks his arms under Zayn's leg, rolling him back onto his back before shakily standing up with him.

Stanley appears, face concerned as he tells Matt to get Zayn back to his room.

They leave the vomit for some other person to deal with, which Matt is more then grateful for. He has dealt with so much sick lately that the smell does not even bother him anymore but that didn't mean he wanted anything to do with it.

"I think he needs some fluids. A few nurses have reported him not drinking, I had started to worry about it. Just lay him down and stay with him. Take your shoes off. I will go to medical and see what they will let me take." Matt stops on the doorway of Zayn's room, kicking his shoes off. Zayn's head rests against his chest, mouth pressed into his shirt his short puffs of breath warming his skin. He holds him a little tighter as he walks towards the bed, fingers brushing over the skin of his arm as he carefully lays him down on the bed.

"So light." He brushed the hair away that had fallen across Zayn forehead, the tips of his finger ghosting down across his cheek. "We need to get you better." Matt grabs the small chair by the dressing table, moving it so he can sit by Zayn's bed. He rest his hand next to Zayn watching his face.

He was so beautiful and Matt had never felt such a strong need to protect someone before.  
Help yes. But this was different. He didn't want to just help Zayn get better he wanted to make sure nobody could hurt him ever again. He wanted to make him untouchable to pain.

He had barely spoken to him. He only knew what he has told them in his sessions with Stanley. There was just something about him. Matt was so draw to him it almost hurt when he left everyday.

"Here was go."Stanley comes shuffling in, looking please as he clutches everything he needs to his chest.

"They were quite busy so I managed to get away with it all unnoticed."Matt laughs, moving his hand away from Zayn's as Stanley got everything set up.

"Is that why he passed out? He was dehydrated?"

"Most likely. It happens a lot. Self care is the last thing on his mind right now. It's easy for him to not think about it. I will make sure to make a note for someone to come by every hour to watch him drink. He will love that." Matt smiles looking down at Zayn. He looked so peaceful, face relaxed and scowl free.

"He is so young." Stanley just hums his reply.

Matt knows he has his own kids, and that his daughter is sixteen. It must he hard to see someone so close in age like this.

"Would you like to stay with him?" Stanley asks once he is done, IV placed in Zayn's arm.

"You don't need me for anything else?" Stanley smiles, reaching over Zayn to squeeze Matts arm. 

"Nothing I can't manage on my own. I have a feeling your mind would just stay here anyway. Just let someone know when he wakes so they can removes the IV."

"Okay. Thank you." Stanley does one last check of the bag before walking to the door. He stops, hand tapping on the door frame.

"They said no to more art supplies. They would only say yes if there was more interest from other patients. I put a flyer up on the rec room for people to sign but so far there is nobody." Matt is so disappointed.

"Thank you for trying." Stanley nods, giving Zayn one last look before leaving, the door closing softly behind him.

Matt sighs into the quite, lifting his butt off the chair so he can slip his phone out of his back pocket.

He spends some time searching the Internet for art supplies and quickly learns that there are a lot more art things then he realises. He wanted to make sure what he brought would make Zayn happy. How the hell was he supposed to know what he would buy for himself.

He had a little peak around Zayn's room but all he found was clothes and toiletries.

Maybe he didn't normally draw.

No, he must have done. You don't get that talented without doing it a lot.

Why would he not bring art supplies if he was into it?

Matt slumps back in the chair, going back to his phone for answers.

Did the world really need this many different types of pencils. And paper. So much paper.

He wonders how often Zayn drew. Did he get as much time as he wanted to? Or did he only get to do it when he was let into his home? At school maybe.

Maybe his pervy teacher lured him in with some.

Matt shakes his head, refusing to go there.

He didn't realise he had started holding Zayn hand until Zayn squeezed it slightly, legs dragging up the bed.

Matt locked his phone, dropping it to the side as he turned to face Zayn.

"Hey sleepyhead." Zayn's eye blinked open, his hand squeezing Matt again as he lifted his other hand to rub his face.

The IV tugged slightly making him frown.

"Whats going on?" He ripped his hand out of Matt going to grab the IV

"No." Matt cups his hand in his bringing it away and laying it back down on the bed. "Let's get someone who knows what they are doing to take it out yeah?"

"Why is it even in? What happened?"

"You needed fluids. You passed out. Threw up on my shoes too." Matt lifted his foot up, wiggling his socked toes.

"I might throw up again if you don't get your feet out of my face."Matt dropped his feet delighted that Zayn had made a bit of a joke.

"Its kinda hot." Matt gets up to turn the heat down on the room.

"You stayed with me?"

"Yep. Gave me the chance to think of some facts."

"Your bloody facts. Can I have some water please? "

"Oh look, he does know how to use manners without sarcasm." Matt gets him a water helping him sit up to drink it.

"How you feeling?" Zayn settles back down again with a groan

"Sore, tired and sick. It's how I have felt since I got here."

"Now that's a lie, when you first got here you where riding a pretty good high. You know, from your wank." Zayn groans again laying an arm over his face.

"Did I actually say that. Fucking hell."

"Yep. Called me a pretty boy too, which is always nice to hear." Zayn peaks out from under his arm and Matt is sure he smiles a little.

"Why did I think this was a good idea?"

"Mostly because it is, i imagine." He gives Matt a look like he very much disagrees, wiggling down into his bed more.

"How long was I out?"

"About three hours." Matt sits back down again, tucking his hands under his knees.

"You stayed for three hours? Shouldn't you have gone home by now."

"Check you out keeping tabs on my schedule, but no, I'm still on shift." He is not. He was suppose to leave an hour ago and should be sat in a lecture right now.

"Can this thing come out of my arm?" Matt gets up, peaking out into the hallway to flag down the first nurse he sees.

She removed the IV quickly, taking everything out with her as she leaves. Zayn is rubbing at the plaster she had placed over his hand, a small pout on his face.

"Can I get you anything else?"

"I am actually really hungry. Is it possible to get some food." Matt grins rubbing his hands together.

"Yes! Be right back." He rushes out the room, going straight passed the canteen, using his ID to get into the staff locker rooms.

They have a pretty cool vending machine filled with all the junk food the patients where not allowed to have.

Matt shoved all the change he could find in his locker inside pressing the buttons for a variety of chocolate bars and crisps.

He goes back to Zayn's room, a few people giving him odd looks when they spot his armful of food.

Zayn raises an eyebrow at him when he comes back and dumps it all on his lap.

"Where have they been hiding these?" He picks up a chocolate bar, ripping it open with his teeth.

"Staff locker room."

"No shit. So you guys get the good stuff then."

"We get pot bellies and rotten teeth." Zayn eats the bar in two bites already opening the next.

"I swear if I see one more jam sandwich I am going to end my life." Matt laughs sitting down and grabbing a packet of crisps.

"Better not go in the canteen today then." Zayn looks over at him swallowing his mouthful.

"Umm, like thanks. I guess." Matt throws a crisp into his mouth, crunching it loudly.

"Your welcome. I guess."

Xxxxxx

"Excuse me. What pens are better?" Matt has been standing in the art shop for nearly an hour looking at pens and paper and paint and god know what else.

He had spent the last ten minutes watching a girl whizz around grabbing what she needed without a second thought. Her basket was filled to the brim. Matts was empty.

She looks at the pens in his hands.

"Depends what they are being used for."

"Oh well, like drawing?" She laughs placing her basket at her feet as she takes the packets from him.

"I'm guessing these are a gift and not for you?"

"Yep. I don't really know what he likes, I don't know him too well." She nods looking around at the other options.

"Is he a beginner or does he know his stuff?"

"I would say he knows his stuff. What I have seen is amazing."

"Then i would say one of these three." She puts back what Matt had selected already and reached up for three different packets.

"My boyfriend got these for my birthday and I love them. I think any of the packs will be fine but without knowing what his preferences are I can't really say, but he will be happy I bet."

"Thanks. I'm just trying to put a smile on his face." The girl picks her basket up again.

"In that case I would say all three if they are not too pricey for you. Also right at the back next to the random button assortment there are some really nice sketchbooks, cheap but fantastic paper inside. Also by the checkout they have some really cool paints on sale, beautiful colours. The paintbrushes are quite cheap too and normally come as a multi-pack so don't require to much thought." Matt looks around taking it all in.

Sketchbook. Paints. Brushes.

He will get them all.

"That's amazing. Thanks so much for helping."

"Your welcome, I'm glad I could help."

"Macy! How much longer are you going to be dad is waiting!" The girl laughs rolling her eyes.

"My boyfriend. I'm coming Liam keep your hair on" Matt looks towards the door to see Macy's boyfriend poking his head in. Almost hair free.

"You are so funny. I will be in the car." He disappears again. Macy starts slowly walking backwards away from Matt.

"I hope your friend enjoys his treats."

"Me too. Thanks again for helping." Matt drops all three packets into his basket, then at the last second decided to buy a pack of pencils with animal erasers on the end because he felt like Zayn would be a bit of an animal lover.

He grabs the rest of the stuff getting excited as he paid for it.

Xxxxxxx

"Look who gets room service." Matt walks into Zayn's room holding his pills up in the air and shaking them.

"Lucky me." Zayn's voice is void of any emotion, eyes never leaving the wall he is curled up facing. Matt clears his throat moving closer to his bed holding the cup out.

"Medicine time." Zayn sighs, letting a breath out slowly but other then that he doesn't react to Matt at all.

"I will leave them on the side, take them whenever. I'm trusting you." Matt puts the cup down, eyes still on Zayn.

"You will take them won't you? They do help."

"Can you leave me alone please?" Matt leaves the room, stopping to look back before making his way down the hallway.

Xxxxx

Matt was assigned to sit in on phone calls this afternoon. He had gone to a lecture early this morning then had attended two sessions with Stanley's patients and now he was sleepy and admittedly a little grumpy.

He was at right at the back of the room, not close enough to invade anyone's privacy but enough to know if he has to step in and put a stop to the conversation.

Matt had been surprised to know this was even a thing and he hated doing it.

A woman directly in front of Matt was crying softly into the phone as she spoke to her daughter. A man was to her right looking like he was ready to snap. Zayn was to her left looking bored. He was leaning against the wall, ankles crossed, looking up at the ceiling as he twirled the cord in his fingers.

He was talking to his mum and had looked this way the second she had answered.

It must be hard, Matt imagines, to talk to them after all they had done. Getting him here was the right thing, but they where mostly the reason he was here in the first place.

If they had just made him feel wanted and loved Zayn would have had a normal teenage boy life. 

He wonders if he would have met Zayn some other way. He wonders why the thought of them never meeting makes his heart flutter in panic.

Maybe they would have dated. Zayn would have taken Matt back to meet his parents and he would have charmed them. Zayn would have met his parents. What would they be like as boyfriends? Waking up and falling asleep together each night. Sex. There would be sex.  
Husband.  
Kids.

Husband? Kids?

Matt blinks out of his daze, almost slipping of his chair. The plastic squeaks and all three turn to look at him. Matt feels his face heat up as he avoids Zayn's stare.

He was way to tired for his own good.

The man hangs up first, ignoring Matt as he leaves. Zayn is next, barely muttering a bye before hanging up on his mum.

He pauses by Matt.

"Fact?" Matt just blinks back in surprise for a few seconds, not expecting Zayn to speak to him.

"The mouth of a jellyfish is also it's anus"

"That's kinda disgusting. You are so weird ." Matt chuckles, waving as Zayn leaves the room.

The woman is still crying. Matt settles down for a long wait.

Xxxxx

"Bees sometimes sting other bees. This is a fact that has always left me feeling unsettled. Do you think bees know they will die after stinging them?"

"Don't know." Zayn takes his medicine passing the empty cup back to Matt.

"Its nice to see you out of your room more." Zayn shrugs, tugging his jumper around himself tighter.

"Would you like to go for a walk with me later? The garden is really nice and I noticed you haven't been out there, have you."" Zayn frowns, looking down at his feet.

"No I haven't. No to the walk also." Matt doesn't bother to hide his disappointment as Zayn goes. 

He gives out the rest of the medication, hardly paying attention as he marks it down on the files.

After Zayn had passed out he felt like maybe they had made a step towards being friends. He seemed happy to have Matt in his room with him. Now it was back to how it was before. He seems annoyed and agitated by Matts presence. Withdrawn back into himself.

Was it because Matt annoyed him? Was it just because he was a member of staff?

He wanted Zayn to like him.

He packed away, tidying up the pharmacy a little before making sure the files went back to the correct person.

"Matthew." Matt stopped, looking over his shoulder as Stanley quickly walked towards him.

"Afternoon Stanley, is everything OK?"

"Yes, yes all wonderful. I just.. I wanted to talk to you about Mr Malik." Stanley motioned for Matt to keep walking.

"What about him?"

"Nothing bad don't worry. I was actually hoping you would be able to get him to open up a little." Matt slowed his pace, confused.

"Sorry?"

"Well it's just, he doesn't seem to be taking to me very well. I seem to keep hitting a wall, but I couldn't help but notice that when you are in the room he seems to open up more and he looks to you a lot. I think he feels safe in your presence." Matt stops, his heart doing a hard thud in his chest.

"I know its a lot to ask of an intern but I would love it if you could spend some time with him. I think if you talk with him in a more natural setting you will manage to get a lot out of him."

"Is that like spying?" Matt did not want to agree to anything that might upset Zayn and have a negative effort on his recovery. He had been doing so well, he would be devastated with himself if he was the reason it all went wrong for him.

"No, not like spying. I'm sure he is aware of your job here Matthew. I just think he would be willing to share a little more with just you. He seems to like you."

"I'm not actually sure he does." Stanley chuckles, giving Matt a look he can't quite figure out. He certainly seems amused at Matt not thinking Zayn likes him.

"I would put it down on your report of course, how helpful you have been for one of our patients time here. Especially someone like him."

"Someone like him?" Stanley hums, suddenly distracted as he looks at his watch.

"You think you can do it for me?" Matt feels pulled in two different directions. One that is telling him to say no, Zayn is not his project or someone to use to make himself look better on paper, but also he is here to work and this is his dream so if he could get Zayn to open up more and if he could be a major factor in Zayn's recovery it will make him look so good.

"Okay, Yes I can do that."

Xxxxxxxx

"Zayn?" Matt steps into Zayn's room after his knocks have gone unanswered. He hadn't seen him all day and after he skipped lunch and Matt found out he had refused his nausea pills he decided to come find him. He leaves the door open turning to the bathroom where he can hear Zayn throwing up.

He walks the short distance to the door pushing it open slowly. Zayn was on his knees practically hugging the toilet, resting his cheek on the seat.

"Oh love." The word slips out without warning but Matt ignores it as he crouches down behind Zayn, hand pressed to his sweat soaked back.

"Go away." Zayn croaks out, shifting away from Matts touch.

"I have your pills, would you like them." Zayn breaths out, eyes clenching shut.

"I don't want them anymore. I don't want anything."

"They are not bad.. Its just some herbal stuff, it won't do you any harm."

"I just fucking said-" Zayn leans over, back heaving and twisting as he vomits again. Matt lays his hand on his shoulder, rubbing gently as he retches.

"It's Okay, whatever you decide is fine. We can do this." Zayn looks over to him, wiping sick away from his lips with his hand.

"We ain't doing shit. It's just me. Doing this on my fucking own so leave me the fuck alone. Fuck." He slumps down onto the floor, Matts hands slipping from his shoulder.

"You don't have to do it alone."

"I do everything alone, always have and always will. I don't.. I don't deserve- just go will you." Matt stands up, brushing off his trousers his hands shaking.

"It's just a bad day." Zayn snorts, shaking his head.

"That's all I have. Bad days."

"Would you like me to arrange for you to talk to Doctor Middles?" Zayn curls up, hands clasped in front of his face.

"I would just like for you to leave." Matt nods, hand clenched at his sides as he forces himself to leave. He get to the end of the bed before he turns and goes back.

"Zayn, I don't know what you think you done to deserve this but whatever it is, you are wrong. You didn't deserve this at all, to be in this place and to be struggling so much. I'm going to help and I'm going to stick around and maybe you're not used to people doing that but it's what I'm going to do. So deal with it or keep pushing me away, I don't care. I won't be giving up on your regardless. Your stuck with me for your time here I'm afraid, you can ditch me once your better." Zayn keeps his head turned away from him. Matt nods, tapping the door frame with his hand.

"Great. I'm sending Doctor Middles in to talk to you, I will tell him to give you time to get yourself sorted so take it slow." Matt steps back, eyes still on Zayn.

"You're not alone anymore, not everyone is going to end up hurting you, please see that."

xxxxxxxxxx

Matt is walking through the canteen balancing a pile of files in his arms when he sees Zayn next.

He is hunched over one of the tables in the corner, the new art supplies Matt had brought scattered around him. His hand is moving fast over the sketchbooks, his other hand reaching out blindly for the pack of pencils to his left.

He pauses to wipe at his forehead, hand shaking as he swipes the sweat away, his hair clumping together as it moves.

Matt shifts the weight of the files in his arms before slowly walking over to him.

"Hey." Zayn ignores him, switching the pencil over in his hand. Matt looks down at what he is drawing, smiling when he sees its a comic strip.

"That's really cool. Do you write too?"

"No." Matt shifts the files in his arms, flicking his hair out of his face. He knew he should have worn it out of his face when Stanley warned him he had a office day.

"Are you not joining in with any of the group activities?" Zayn sighs finally looking up at Matt. He freezes, eye widening slightly.

"Um...er, no. Not my thing." Matt watches the bob of his throat as he swallows.

"No? How come." Matt places the files down on the table, arm aching from the wight of them. He stretches them out, rolling his shoulders.

"I just don't really like people, even less so when I feel like shit. It wouldn't help."

"You still feeling really bad?" Matt sits own across from Zayn, choosing to ignore the annoyance flashing across his face. Zayn moves the sketchbook closer to himself eyes narrowing.

"Yeah, it's normal though right?"

"Yeah, definitely. It will be worth it. You are doing really well." Zayn lip twitches but then he is looking down again before Matt can work out if it was a smile or not.

"So how come you don't like people?"

"They annoy me."

"Do I still annoy you?"

"Are you not a person?" Matt shrugs, reaching across the table for a sheet of paper and a pen.

"I think so but what if I am some alien that was abandoned on earth at birth and raised by humans who decided not to tell me the truth about my true identity." Zayn raises an eyebrow looking unimpressed.

"What if you are just a really annoying normal person." Matt starts to doodle on the paper. He can't draw for shit and should probably be embarrassed about someone as talented as Zayn seeing his child like scribbles, but it's something he just really wants to do. Sit with Zayn and do something he enjoys.

"How disappointing."

"Tell me about it." He can feel Zayn watching him as he draws but he keeps his head down to avoid eye contact. Eventually Zayn goes back to his own drawings, hand moving in confidante easy strokes.

Matt should probably be getting up now and heading back to Stanley's office. He had only been sent out to get the files he needed so he had no doubt that Stanley was wondering where he was already. Then again Stanley had asked Matt to try and talk to Zayn more and get him to open up. Now was most likely a really good time to do that, while they where alone and he was relaxed doing something he enjoyed. Stanley would encourage it.

"So hater of humans, if you could be anything in the world what would you be?"

"Dolphin." Matt smirked to himself knowing he had caught Zayn of guard by getting an answer out of him so fast.

"Why Dolphin?" Zayn carried on drawing, but Matt could see the grip on his pencil tighten. He was annoyed at himself.

"They have sex for pleasure. I would like to keep that aspect about myself." Matt pursed his lips out, nodding. He was lying. That was not the reason at all, but he was annoyed about giving Matt an answer so now this persona had come up.

"Guess that would be a sucky part of being human to lose, if sex was an important thing to you." Matt drops his pen, giving up on making his markings look like anything other then shit.

"I would like to be some kind of bird. I think it would be pretty cool to just fly you know. Be free. At least i think birds feel free. They look free anyway. I guess Dolphins are quite free to, in the ocean. Clever, beautiful, sexual apparently. Is that how you see yourself?" Zayn slams his pencil down, chair scrapping across the floor as he stands up.

"I think you have asked me that question before, are you going to leave me in peace or do I have to go lock myself back in my room?" Matt freezes, Zayn locking his limbs down to the chair with a fiery look.

"Right, great."

"No I will go, i'm sorry. I just wanted to get to know you more." Zayn lets out a bitter laugh, sitting back down again.

"You don't want to get to know me you want to fix me. That is your job and you get to leave this place at the end of the day feeling good about yourself because of it. Free because of it. Must feel nice little birdy."

"You can be-"

"I can be what? Free too?" He smacks his arm down on the table, yanking his sleeve up. Matt looks away from the angry red marks on his arms.

"I will never be free because I will spend the rest of my life seeing the shit I have done. Being judged and being shit on. Don't think I don't know how you would look at me if you where some random on the street, its how I have been looked at for the passed three years."

"I would never look at you like that." Zayn pulls his sleeve back down, wiping his nose with the back of his hand as he looks away.

"Don't those files need to be somewhere, I believe I asked to be left." Matt picked the files up, annoyance flaring up in his chest.

"Your such a difficult little shit." Zayn gives an empty laugh.

"That is encouraging, thanks."

"Maybe you should encourage yourself a little. You're not the massive dick you try to make yourself believe you are. Why did you even come here Zayn? Nobody made you so just fucking try and fix yourself a bit." Matt walks away without waiting for his reply. He spends the rest of the day feeling sick to his stomach with guilt.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"You are distracted today darling." Matt's mum, Linda, places down a plate of sandwiches, her hand stoking over her sons hair as she sends him a concerned look.

"Sorry mum, I didn't mean to zone out." Linda sits down next to him, pushing the plate towards him more. Matt takes one. Cucumber with the crust cut off, the same ever since he was a little boy.

"Doesn't matter sweetie, I was only moaning about your dad deciding to grown a beard." Matt rips the sandwich in half, eyebrows shooting up in surprise.

"Dad hates facial hair. Thought he said it was the problem with today's youth, too much hair on our faces." Linda laughs, turning to look out the back door where they could see Matts dad cutting the lawn.

"Yes well, I think it might be a midlife crisis."

" He can pull it off I'm sure." She sighs, reaching out once again to push the plate closer to Matt, eyes still on her husband. Matt rolls his eyes picking up another sandwich.

"It's more my face I'm worried about."

"Gross."

"Matthew there is nothing gross about your father and mother kissing. Now tell me what's got you so distracted, I normally have your full attention when you visit." Matt waits until he has chewed his food, the bread suddenly feeling stale in his mouth.

The guilt he felt over snapping at Zayn had not left for two days. He has not seen him since so had not had the chance to say sorry and it was eating away at him.

"There is this patient I am helping Doctors Middles with. I was a bit mean to him the other day and I feel so bad."

"Mean how?" Linda takes a sandwich, holding it delicately between her fingers as she waits for Matt to answer.

"I'm suppose to be getting him to talk a bit more but I just ended up snapping him. He is very closed off, so it's hard. I guess sometimes I feel like I could be right there on the edge of getting him to talk about whatever. Then suddenly it's like he is really far away again. There is just something about him mum, he looks so sad and lost and broken. If I can get him to talk and open up about things then maybe I can help him and make him understand that he deserves a normal life and there is nothing wrong with him and its the people around him that have been wrong. That I think he looks like he has this really good sense of humour inside him, and he probably sounds so good when he laughs and looks like the sun when he smiles and I bet he doesn't even know that he is actually the most beautiful person on the planet. He doesn't see what I see and he should. He really should." Matt takes a deep breath, shoving another sandwich in his mouth once he was done. Linda wipes some crumbs from the table face pinched.

"So you have a crush." Matt frowns, talking around his mournful.

"What? I feel bad cause I snapped mum. I snapped at a boy who is currently trying to not be a drug addict. He is going cold turkey by the way."

"They are letting him?" Matt shrugs, wiping his mouth.

"They can't force him to take anything he does not want to. He put himself in rehab to shut himself away from it all. He stopped taking nausea tablet too."

"But he must be in so much discomfort? Does he know how dangerous it can be?"

"I don't know. I'm not always there am I. I don't know what they have told him. He was offered methadone and said no that's all I have." Linda shakes her head, looking frustrated.

"I would never have let your grandfather do such a thing. That poor boy. Can't believe you snapped."

"Mum!"

"What? You have to stay calm, you are not going to go in there and have a connection with them all straight away. You also can't fancy them." Matt rubs at his face wondering if he can get away with leaving before dinner time.

He was well aware he had a crush on Zayn. He did not need his mum scolding him for it.

"You know that's just like you by the way. All those nurses and lovely counsellors and you decided you like a troubled kid."

"He is not a kid and don't be judgemental. Anyway most those doctors and counsellors so far have been far from lovely. You just want me to find a rich bloke."

"I want what's best for you." Matt leans back in his chair, gripping the table.

"I'm twenty one and about to become a qualified Counsellor, I rent a pretty good two bedroom flat. I'm doing well, I don't need some rich fancy man to achieve the best for myself thanks." Linda huffs, but reaches out for Matts hands.

"I know darling. I just don't want you to ever experience what I went though. It took so much from me." Matt holds her hand back, bringing it to his lips.

"I know mum, but don't overreact he is just a patient who can barely stand to be in the same room as me, it's not like we are going to fall in love and get married. I will count myself lucky if he does not stab me before his stay is over."

"Don't say that, I would rather he married you." Matt pouted looking down at his half eaten sandwich.

"He does have a very nice face, and I have only seen it grumpy. I might die it I get an actual smile" Linda gives a small smile before getting up and going over to the kettle.

"Your grandfather tried to detox once, when I was about your age. It nearly killed him."

"This is different, it's medical detox mum. He has doctors and nurses around him. He is safe doing it I just wish he would take an easier option for his own sake." Matt leans on his hand watching as him mum makes his dad his cup of tea, the lawn mower outside cutting out.

"You worry about him a lot then?"

"I worry about all my patients."

"But him more?" She turns to look at him, her eyes looking straight into his.

"I can't stop thinking about him. He is there in my head all the time. I feel bad when I leave and I want to go to him the second I get back. He has barely spoken to me and when he does he is telling me to leave him alone. There have been a couple of times that it seemed like I might be progressing with him but then he just shuts down again. He is seventeen and this shouldn't be his life I want to help him. I want to be around him all the time." Linda looks worried as she comes back over to the table, cradling his face.

"He is a patient."

"I know."

"He is young and in a bad place. You could ruin your career before it's even started." Matt takes her hands off his face, but keeps hold of them.

"I know that. I'm not going to do anything. It's just a crush. I am going to help him and then he will be gone." Linda nods, going back to the kettle.

"Make sure that's all it is. I want better for you. You deserve better." Matt looks away from his mums back biting down on his lip.

Even his mum who had never met Zayn was writing him off as not good enough.

How many time has he been told he is not good enough?

How many times has he been made to feel less than he is?

Falling for a patient would be one of the worse things Matt could do at this point in his career.

He can't help but think that Zayn would be worth it.

Xxxxxx

When Matt goes into Zayn's room the following morning he is not expecting to find him on the floor with his legs crossed, but that is exactly how he finds him. His eyes are screwed shut, eyebrows pinched together like he is concentrating really hard.

"Um." Matt looks around the room like he can find the answer to what is happening. "What are you doing?" Zayn keeps his eyes closed but his head turns towards him slightly.

"I am trying to meditate. Apparently this is how you do it."

"That's great, what brought this on?" Zayn sighs, rolling his shoulders.

"I'm in a lot of pain today. Whole body fucking aches." Matt frowns, reaching for Zayn's chart that is kept by his door. He seemed like such a long time since he came here, Matt felt like the symptoms should be slowing down more then what they had.

"Is it helping?" Stanley was the last to make a note on Zayn's chart. He had been sick in the night a few times and had a high temperature since dinner time yesterday.

"Good read?" Matt looked back to Zayn who's eyes were now open watching him.

"Have you had your temperature checked again this morning? While detoxing you will be at high risk of seizures-"

"Yeah I know, thanks doc."

"I'm not a doctor. When your temperature is too high your risk of seizures increase, I have no idea how to deal with one to he honest so lets avoid it yeah?" Zayn leans back on his hands, winching like the movement had caused him more pain. Matt can see the sweat glistening on his neck and all he wants to do is lay him back in bed and hold a cold cloth to his skin so he can sleep. That won't help though.

"Guess it's lucky you're not a doctor then."

"Indeed." Matt checks his watch. He is due to sit in on a few sessions today but that is not for another couple of hours. He has some other work to do but if he stays late he can get it done.  
"How do you feel about going outside for a short walk? Just a couple of laps of the garden, there is a nice breeze today and I think you will enjoy it." Zayn looks at him like he is crazy.

"Sitting here right now is hard enough." Matt clasps his hand together, stepping towards Zayn.

"I imagine so but getting some fresh air is very important. You have been shutting yourself in this room, its not good for you. Your recovery, your body or your mental health. Your coming for a walk." Matt holds a hand out for Zayn to take. He looks at it, not moving.

"I'm very happy to stand here asking you all day." Zayn huffs but he reaches up to slip his hand into Matts.

Matt helps him up, desperately trying to stop himself from shaking just because Zayn is holding his hand.

The pain is clear in his eyes, pupils blown and dark. Which just leads to Matt thinking about what they look like when he is in pleasure. Which is just wrong. Turning Zayn pain and discomfort into something sexual.

Maybe not having sex unless he was in a relationship when he was too busy for a relationship was not the best idea.

They walk slowly down the hallway towards the closest door that leads outside. Zayn hugs his body, hunched over at his waist as he moves. Matt glances at him every few seconds, watches the way his jaw clenches and has to curl his hands into fist to stop himself from reaching out to help him.

Matt opens the door for him, glad to see the garden empty, and holds it until Zayn had passed, his eyes squinting in the sun.

He uses the metal rail to get down the stairs shoulder relaxing a little when he steps onto the grass.

"Its um... It nice." Matt gives him a small smile motioning for him to keep walking. He follows Zayn closely, wanting to be ready to help steady him if needed.

"I'm really sorry for snapping at you the other day. Its was really unprofessional and not very nice of me. I didn't mean to, and you are helping yourself plenty. You brought yourself here and that is a massive step and you have been doing so well."

"Its fine, please stop rambling." Matt snaps his mouth shut, looking down at feet with a blush.

"Sorry. I'm just- sorry."

"Like I said it's fine." Matt nods once. They carry on in silence for a bit and then Zayn let's out a small soft laugh. It only last for at second, if that, and Matt can hear the pain in it. It's still a miracle he didn't fall over his own feet as his head snaps towards Zayn.

Its not even a proper laugh but its one of the best sounds Matt has heard.

Oh god, what would it be like to really see him laugh. The head back, belly aching kind of laugh.

"How long have you been dying to get that apology out?" Matt looks away, blushing as a small smile creeps onto his face.

"Since I walked away. Instant guilt. Fuck, I'm so sorry."

"It's cool, I haven't even thought about it that much." He is starting to pant. They are not even to the bottom of the garden yet and he is breathless, steps starting to slow down.

"So you thought about it a little?" Zayn shrugs, the movement slow.

"Only because I needed to hear it." He winches once he has spoken, like he hadn't really meant to say it. Matt likes that they could be reaching a point where Zayn says stuff he didn't mean to say.

"OK. I guess that's... Good?" Zayn shrugs again, eyes flicking towards Matt.

"Yeah, so stop saying sorry. It's really annoying."

"Ah well, you find me annoying so I'm just sticking with the theme that you created."

"I created? You're the one that is annoying so you created it." Zayn stumbles a little and Matt does his best to look like he didn't notice, but he does step closer, ready to catch him if he needs to.  
Which just leads to thoughts about how he wants to be there to always catch him when he needs him to and he has to shake the thought from his head and roll his eyes at himself.

They reach the bottom of the garden and Matt is about to suggest they stop the walk once they get back again because Zayn is getting pale, and he can see the beads of sweat rolling down his head and he can hear him trying to keep his breathing even.

Before he can open his mouth Zayn stops suddenly, his body swaying. Matt wraps an arm around his waist, the other wrapping around Zayn's own hand, steadying him as his knees buckle.

A pained whimper leaves his lips that stabs at Matts chest.

"I got you." He talks softly, his lips close to Zayn's ear as he pushes them forward. Zayn tightens his grip on Matts hand as they walk slowly. Each step seems to send another wave of pain over Zayn until his face is screwing up and he is letting out little groans with each move, his skin paling.

"What your favourite memory?" Zayn closes his eyes, letting Matt lead him.

"Saturday morning cartoons with my sister."

"What's your sisters name?"

"Waliyha."

"Pretty name. Are you close?"

"A little. Not like we used to be."

"She is a dancer right? What type of dancing does she do?" The grip on his hand is loosening slightly, Zayn breathing becoming more steady.

"Ballet. Sometimes she does some street thing but our mum don't like it."

"You ever seen her dance?"

"Only at home. She is good." Zayn's head flops onto Matts shoulder. He has to stop walking and readjust to take more of Zayn's weight before moving again, nearly halfway back.

"How old is she? Maybe she will come visit when you are ready to see her."

"Fourteen. She won't come, they won't let her. I think she is scared."

"Of your parents?" Zayn opens his eyes again, the sun shining straight down on them. Matts breath catches, his heart spinning at the look in them.

"Me. She is scared of me."

"You're her brother, she won't be scared."

"I have done things. Said stuff." His eyes slip closed again, his body going almost completely slack against Matt making him stumble to the side a little.  
"I'm not who she watched cartoons with anymore. I'm not her brother." Matt let's himself press his forehead to Zayn's for a moment. Just a quick moment of weakness before he straightens up. They have reached the stairs, a member of staff standing and watching.

Matt shakes his head when they offer to help and drags Zayn up and back into the building.

"You will always be her brother you know. No matter what you have done in the past she will see what you are doing now. The effort and the strength you are putting into being better. She will know that some of this is for her and she will love you so much for it."

He gets Zayn back to his room, laying him down on his bed.  
"Get some sleep." Matt goes to leave but Zayn keeps hold of his hand.

"I didn't know, how much I need it. I didn't realise. I really need it. I need something. I don't want to do this anymore. Please give me something, I don't care what it is. Anything." Matt sits down on the edge of the bed, Zayn sliding towards him a little.

"You are doing so well. You just have to stay strong for a bit longer. You are nearly there Zayn, you're doing this and you're not alone. Not anymore. We got this."

"Stay." Matt moves until his back is against the wall feet tucked up on the bed. He still has a little over an hour before anyone notices he is not where he should be.  
Zayn's fingers are still loosely holding on to his, his eyes open and watching him.  
"I will stay. I'm staying. You are okay we can do this together, you don't have to be alone anymore okay?" Zayn nods, fingers twitching before his eyes flutter closed.

Xxxxxh

Matt is tired.  
Actually, that doesn't cover it. He is exhausted.  
Between uni and work he has hardly stopped. Which he is fine with. He is loving his work at the rehab centre so much more then he imagined he would. He has definitely found what he wants to do with himself when he leaves uni.

The problem is uni itself. He hates sitting in a classroom with people he dose not really like with a boring old man droning on.

He learns more when he is at the centre. He feels helpful when he is there.

Zayn is there.

Zayn who is finally letting Matt help him more. Zayn who no longer looks pissed off the second Matt walls into the room.  
Zayn who is nearly smiling when he sees Matt.

Zayn who is the reason Matt does not sleep at night because he won't leave his head.

He worries how his night is going. What if something happens and he is not there like he said he would be?

His mother's words won't stop going around his mind too. Crashing and mixing with how he feels about Zayn.

Could he be on the way to ruining his career? The more time he spends with Zayn, the more he starts to see the small snippets that make him who he is the more his heart flutters and his stomach twirls.

Some nights he has to bury his hands into his pillowcase and breath so deeply into the mattress that he nearly passes out, just to stop himself from wrapping his hand around himself at the thought of the flash of a smile he got. The flash of skin.

He likes him. Oh god, he likes him so much.  
If it had been different. If he had met Zayn in a cafe, or the food store or maybe his uni he would have asked him out. He probably wouldn't even have waited to date him. He had never met a boy who looked like Zayn. He would have had him bent over his bed the second he could, kiss over the tattoos he has only managed to see glimpses of.

Its thoughts like this one that have Matt stumbling out of bed to dunk his head in cold water.

It was just attraction. That's all it is. Zayn will get better and he will leave and Matt will forget because it's just attraction.

He hasn't had sex for a long time.

He will get over it.

He will help treat Zayn and then he will he consumed by the next one.

He has to keep repeating this when Zayn walks into Stanley's office, that ghost of a smile aimed at Matt before he takes a seat.

Matt honestly was about to fall asleep. The woman before Zayn, Martha who is a lovely woman and makes Matt laugh so much he snorts, was a bit dreary today and her voice had made his eyelids heavy. Zayn suddenly being in the room had him snapping back to attention. Stanley gave him knowing look that has Matt blushing and hoping he didn't actually fall asleep.

"Good afternoon Zayn." Zayn brings one foot up to rest on the chair, his arms resting over his knee. Matt looks down at his notepad so he doesn't look at the way Zayn's sweatpants stretch over his thighs or the way the muscles in his arms push out where they rest on his knee.

"How has your week been?"

"Good. Better." Stanley grins, clasping his hands together.

"I am so glad to hear it. Are you sleeping better?"

"Yes."

"Fantastic." Zayn glances at Matt and the eye contact has him hiding his smile into his hand.

"Before we get started, your mother has requested a visit." Zayn snorts, shaking his head.

"Request denied."

"Your not ready to see them in person yet?"

"I don't feel the need to. I will call them weekly as promised, because they are paying for this place. I don't owe them anything else." Stanley swiftly moves on, clearing his throat as he caps his pen and leans back in his chair.

Matt makes a mental note to try and get Zayn to open up about his parents more, knowing that Stanley dropped it so easily because he wanted Matt to pick it back up later on.

"I would like to talk to you about guilt." Zayn instantly looks uncomfortable, the top half of his body turning towards the door like he is about to make a run for it at any second.

"Don't worry it's not as bad as it sounds. I picked up from passed chats that you don't think you are a very nice person. I strongly disagree and I would like you to start working on seeing yourself in a different way." Stanley opens a draw in his desk, pulling out a black notebook and a pen. He places them down then slides then towards Zayn.

"You don't have to if you don't want to but I find that when something is too hard to talk about writing is normally the answer. It would just be for your eyes."

"You want me to write what I feel guilty about?" Zayn takes the notebook and pen, placing them in his lap. "Might need a couple more of these." He laughs. It's uneasy and shaky. He is nervous.

"If it would help you can write a list of all the things you have done. Maybe think about why you done them, what you were thinking at the time. What you could do to make yourself feel better about that particular thing. A lot people like to write lists of the things they will do once they are home, to make up for it all. Like a cleanse of the soul I suppose. Or you could write letters, to the people you feel you have hurt. We can post them for you or you can keep hold of them and give them out yourself." Zayn flicks the notebook open, bottom lip pulled between his teeth.

"Or you don't have to do it at all. It's all up to you Zayn. You are in control of how you deal with things."

"I think I like the idea of letters. I would like to apologise to some people. I really hurt them."

"Its not too late. People understand a lot more then you think." Zayn's grip on the book tightens, the spine bending under his fingers.

"What if they don't? What if they just stay hurt." Stanley held his hands out, giving a small shrug.

"Then you try, it's all you can do. People make mistakes, it's what makes us humans. So let's work on your forgiving yourself yes?" Zayn looks to Matt before nodding.

"Yeah okay. I really want to try this."

"That's great Zayn. A great step to take. I won't keep you any longer then." Zayn stands, clutching his things to his chest like they are treasure he is afraid someone will take away.

He has the door open and Matt is starting to pack his stuff away when he stops and turns back to Stanley.

"Am I allowed to request visitors?"

"Yes, of course. If you give me their information I can try and get hold of them." He starts looking around his desk for the form he needs.

"I don't have numbers, I know where they live?"

"That's fine, we can post your request or maybe I can track down a number somehow , ah here we are." Stanley waves the form about. "Write it down for me and I will look into it as soon as I can." Zayn places his stuff down, taking the paper from Stanley and grabbing one of his pens from his desk.

He writes it out quickly, shoving the paper back to Stanley like he is afraid he could change his mind, then he walks out the room closing the door softly behind him.

"Who did he request?" Matt asks barely a second after he heard the door thud shut.

"Nobody he has mentioned before to me. What about you?" Matt reaches out taking the form from Stanley.

"No, they don't seem familiar. I wonder who they could be."

"No idea. I want you to sit in on the visit if they agree. I think he will find it more comfortable with you." Matt hums, still staring down at the names written in Zayn rushed writing.

Harry Styles and Liam Payne.

What could Zayn want with them?

Xxxxx

Matt has been rushed off his feet all day. Stanley has taken on two more patients and had wanted Matt in on their first sessions and then gave him a load of paper work to fill out on top of the paper he has to finish writing for his uni class. Then he had to do room visits. His feet hurt and his back ached and he had a dent in his thumb with how much writing he has done.  
So he didn't notice when he threw himself down on a chair in the canteen, lunch tray rattling as he dropped it down, that he had sat right next to Zayn.

"Busy day?" Matt jumped, knocking his bottle of water over.  
"Sorry, yes so busy. You?" Zayn looked so adorable today that Matt was considering slamming his face onto his food.  
His hair was floppy. Floppy. And he was wearing his very cute oversized hoodie that always made Matts chest do this weird thing because he looked so small and fragile in it.

"Oh totally. Been so busy. I laid in bed until ten, then I went for a smoke while this nurse glared the shit out of me then I went back to bed. Now I am here. Knackered." Matt laughs, taking the film lid off his salad he had picked up. Zayn's sandwich was sitting untouched in front of him.

"I didn't know you smoked?"

"I thought it might be a good time to try and stop but it was stressing me out so Me and Stanley  
both agreed that keeping smoking might not be a bad thing."

"You spoke to him before deciding to smoke again?" If Zayn was going for advice over decisions then it was a really god sign. He trusted someone enough to want them to help him make his choices.

"Well I wasn't really sure if it was allowed here or if it would like, back track me a bit cause its still an addiction, but he said it would be OK to keep that one thing for myself. It kind of sucks cause there is only one spot I can do it and someone has to come sit with me and a lot of the staff here are actually really judgy. Kind of ruins the moment of calm I'm letting myself have."

"I can sit with you" The words shock Matt a little, because he hadn't been thinking it, and he was busy enough without adding another job to his list.

"You would?" Matt stabs his plastic fork into his salad, looking up at Zayn. He was looking back at Matt, his face hopeful. Matt knows it's because he is thinking about getting to relax and smoke but who can blame him for letting himself think it's because Zayn wants to spend time with him. 

"Yes of course I would. If I can of course, just come see it I am free. I'm either in Stanley's office or the intern office."

"The interns have an office."

"Yep, it's tiny though. Down near reception, there is a window so you can just look in and see if I am there." Matt shoves lettuce into his mouth, eyes smiling across at Zayn.

They will get to talk while Zayn smokes so technically it would be working still. He will have time.

Xxxxxx

Zayn looks nervous as he lightly taps on the window to the interns office. Matt and the three others in the room all look up from their computers.

Zayn gives him a small wave before holding up his cigarettes for Matt to see. Matt holds up one finger quickly typing the last of his notes while Zayn leans against the glass waiting.

"Hey, if Stanley comes looking for me can you let him know I'm with a patient outside?" Peter, the intern next to Matt gives him a thumbs up.

"Thanks." Matt takes his jacket off the back of his chair, slipping it on as he leaves the room. Zayn pushes away from the wall, cigarette now tucked snugly behind his ear, his hands shoved in the pockets of his blue jeans.

"Hi." Zayn tilts his head, the corner of his mouth lifting.

"Hey."

"Did you have a good sleep?"

"Yeah, almost the whole night." Zayn starts walking towards him.

"Oh, is the pain still there? Nausea?"

"A nurse dropped a tray outside my door actually." Matt laughs stepping back as Zayn takes another step towards him.

"Can't get the staff." Zayn takes his hands out from his pockets, rubbing at the back of his neck.

"So it seems. So you free to come out with me?"

"Huh what?" Matts eyes widen, a blush creeping up his neck.  
"Oh! Outside. Yes! I can do that, perfect timing actually I just finished and I um.. Yes, out." Zayn gives him a funny look before walking passed him towards the closest door. Matt moves quick to keep up with him, hoping his face is not as red as it feels.

Zayn keeps his back to him and doesn't talk as the walk over to the small corner that as been allocated to patients and staff that smoke. It's a bit grim and cramped, which Matt guesses is their way it putting people off, but surly they deserve somewhere a bit more relaxing to go.

"You smoke?" Zayn asks as he leans against the wall, foot coming up to rest on the brick.

"No, not something I ever really wanted to do." Zayn nods, pulling his cigarette out from behind his ear and placing it between his lips.

"Wish I felt the same." He rummages through the pocket of his jeans until he finds a small lighter. "Although I am glad I have them now, it's the small things right?" Matt leans against the wall watching as Zayn lights up and takes his first drag. He relaxes straight away, shoulder slumping and eyes fluttering closed as he tilts his head back.

"That's what they say." They don't talk for a while after that so Matt crouches down, tugging at a blade of grass. Zayn copies him but sits down fully, stretching his legs out in front of him.

"How long you been working here?" Matt turns to face him, flicking the grass away.

"Just a few weeks."

"You like it?"

"I love it. Its the kind of place I want to work in. It's probably wishful thinking but I'm really hoping they offer me a permanent position once I have qualified." Zayn raises an eyebrow, nodding once before taking another drag aiming the smoke away from Matts face.

"How long have you got left until then?"

"I have a month and a half left here, then a month of studying and exams that will probably kill me. Then if all goes well I am done."

"You think it will be worth it? All the work and stress and time?"

"If I can help people then definitely. I'm willing to put all the time in." Zayn throws his cigarette away, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"Bet your girlfriend loves that." Matt snorts. The idea of him with a girl, quite frankly was hilarious.

"I'm not with anyone. If I was it would be a boyfriend, just so you know." Zayn looks at him, eyes slightly narrow.

"Noted." Zayn goes quite again and Matts unsure if he should get up and leave him alone now that he has finished smoking or if Zayn is okay with him still sitting here with him.

Really he should take the opportunity to try and get him to talk a little, but he feels if he goes on to strong straight away Zayn will just slam a wall up on his face that will be impossible to break.

So he stays and he sits in silence and waits to see how long it is before Zayn either gets up and leaves or talks.

Matts a little surprised when Zayn pulls out another cigarette, lighting it up the turning his body to face Matt fully crossing his legs.

"I um-" Zayn pauses, cigarette still between his lips as he pushes his hair back, the strands sticking up in a way that only Zayn can make look sexy as hell still.  
"I wrote those letters."

"That's good. Did it help?" Zayn shrugs, pulling at his shoelace..

"I guess. I decided I want the people to read them, which is like scary I guess but also good to think I have explained myself and apologised how I want to. It's definitely easier to write it down then try and say it the right way." Matt only let's himself smile the slightest, not wanting to scare Zayn away by being to enthusiastic about it.

"That's a big step, you should be proud of that." Zayn looks away, eyebrows scrunching together.

"I'm going to give them to people on person. Apart from my parents, I'm sending them in the post."

"Why don't you want to see them?" Zayn doesn't answer straight away. He keeps his head turned away from Matt as he takes a few drags of his cigarette.

"I just don't want to be fake with them. I get that they are trying to change and they they want it to be better. They feel bad and they now understand what they were doing to me. But I don't owe them a thing. Helping me when I overdosed, paying for me to be here, it's not enough to show me its changed. This is easy stuff, throwing money around and making the right phone calls. It's easy and I need them to do so much more before I can trust them and put the effort back into the relationship. I don't care if that's mean either. They fucked up. They have a lot to do." Matt can completely understand that. He is shocked Zayn opened up about it so quickly, but what he said makes sense. He doesn't talk much but it seems when he does it's well thought out and straight to the point. Matt likes that. He can certainly work with that.

"I think it's understandable and not at all mean. What they done, when you came out to them, was so far from what any parent should do. I don't think it would be healthy for you at all to jump right into attempting a normal relationship with they after all the hurt you have experienced. If you take the time you need, get the things you need to get from them then it will be a lot more healthy for you. You need to take care of your own thoughts and feelings right now, not others." Zayn starts chewing on his lip, looking thoughtful. Matt focuses on the cigarette between his fingers, ash only missing Zayn's knee as it falls to the ground.

He is still weary of pushing him. This is already more then what he expected.

"Does it not make me selfish? Like- I was selfish and I messed with people's lives and I have said some fucking messed up stuff. I don't want to be like that anymore, so does this make me selfish?"

"Not at all. Look what you are doing, look at what you are putting yourself though to be a better person. You need to focus on yourself and what's good for you in order to be this person you want to be. Personally I already think you are him, you just need to come to terms with that yourself. Deal with what had happened in the pass and just embrace it Zayn. You got to a dark place you said and done things you didn't mean. But you were pushed there. You are seventeen and you have an unbelievable strength to be where you are right now. You know you have a problem and you are facing it head on. You want to make up for it and you are. If that does make you selfish then good. Be selfish and get better." Zayn looks shocked, eyes wide as he blinks back at Matt. His lips part but then snap shut again. Matt wonders how often he has heard anything positive said about himself before. How much he actually believes what Matt says.

"You're going to be good at this shit." He eventually says with a small laugh.  
He notices then that his cigarette has mostly burnt down so he throws it in the same direction of his other one then starts to stand up, brushing off his legs.

Matt scrambles up too, hand pushing into the wall for support.

"Thank you for talking to me." Zayn waves his hand around, slowly making his way back to the door.

"You are easy to talk to. It's fucking annoying." Matt grins walking a few steps behind him.

Xxxxxxxxx

"Can we talk a little about your relationship with Mason?" Zayn huffs, eye rolling.

"Why? Are you the police now?"

"Did the police come to see you about him?" Zayn raises his head, eye glaring at Stanley.

"Yes. but they left. I was not underage."

"But he was your teacher. He was in a position of power. They didn't check up on that?" Matt can tell Zayn is getting more and more agitated, and fast. His hands are starting to tap on the arms of the chair, his feet on the floor. He shuffles about, eyes flicking around the room.

"There was nothing to check up on. Nothing to talk about."

"You mentioned to me before that Mason helped you when you first had trouble with you parents by giving you a place to stay. Did he also help with your addiction?" Zayn laughs, shaking his head.

"I don't want to talk about this." Matt grips the pen in his hand, looking between Zayn and Stanley. Either Stanley was completely oblivious to how pissed off Zayn was getting or he wanted him there.

"Mason was a safe place for you? You felt you could trust him." Zayn doesn't answer, his face growing darker.

"Did he ever provide you with drugs? Perhaps he felt it was helping, giving you them in a safe environment." Zayn stands up, chair flying across the room and smashing into the wall. Stanley barely blinks but the sudden movement and noise has Matt jumping up, notebook dropping to the floor and his heart slamming into his chest.

"Fuck you." Zayn storms out the room. Matt doesn't even think before chasing after him.

He follows him down the hallway and back to his room, shoving his foot on the doorway as Zayn tries to slam it shut. Its hurts, probably more then he realises but all he can focus on is Zayn and making sure he is OK.

"Zayn-"

"It's not like you all think-" he turns, finger jabbing at Matts chest as he spits the words out. "It wasn't fucking like that." Matt doesn't know what to say so he keeps quite. Zayn's chest is heaving, his hand shaking as he scrubs at his face. Matt just wishes he knew what to say, because Zayn really doesn't seem to understand what was happening and Matt does not want to be the one to shatter what he thinks was one of the few good things I'm his life.

"It wasn't like that. He did care. He just wanted to help and that's not abusing anything. I wasn't... I wasn't taking advantage of. I know he didn't love me and I'm angry that he was doing those things with kids but it was different with me and you all need to fucking drop it and accept it. He helped." Matt struggled to breath around the lump on his throat. He looked so lost.

"Did he give you drugs?" Zayn's shoulder slump and he takes a few steps back until he can sit down on his bed, head dropping.

"Zayn, did he-"

"Yes. He gave me drugs. He wanted to make sure I was being safe. He kept me safe." Matt closes his eyes.

"Were you underage when you started sleeping with him?" He can't see Zayn. He can't open his eyes to see the look on his face but his silence tells him all he needs to know.  
Matt turns and leaves the room his stomach churning and his throat burning.

Xxxx

He finds Zayn later in the canteen, actually eating the food in front of him for a change.

"I'm sorry for walking out on you." Zayn looks up at him, fork halfway to his mouth.

"It's fine. Kinda nice when someone knows they are not wanted." Zayn looks back down at his plate, shoving his food into his mouth. Matt ignores the sting to his chest and sits down next to Zayn.

"I think you should talk to Stanley about it more. You can tell him the truth and he won't report it. Not unless he thinks your still in danger, and you're not."

"I was never in danger."

"I know. Sorry, that wasn't what I meant. I just really strongly think you should open up and be honest about it?" Zayn places his fork down, face still calm.

"Honest about what? He was kind and I liked him so I let him fuck me. I let him. I wanted it. I'm not fucking messed up over it. I'm not going around crying about the big mean man who made me do things with him. I like being fucked and I liked him so I let him fuck me." Matt suddenly has the urge to grab Zayn by the shoulders and shake some sense into him, make him see that this is exactly how someone who has been groomed and taken advantage of would feel and think. But its not the way to handle it. He has to come to they realisation alone. Maybe he never will.

"Well maybe you can talk about how it started, how you felt. How he made you feel. How it helped?" Zayn pushes his plate away with a sigh.

"Why does this bother you so much?"

"Because I want you to get the help you need." Zayn laughs, the sound bitter to Matts ears as he stands up.

"No what you want is to be able to brag about how you got me to open up so you can get yourself nice and secure in a job. I'm not your project."

"And I don't want you to be. Zayn I care." Zayn holds his arms out, a few people now starting to look over at them.

"Care? You don't fucking know me. You rub my back a few times while I am throw up and you give me some advice while I'm smoking. That's about all you have done and its all you will do." Matt watches him walk away, face burning slightly.

He knows what Zayn is doing.

He sees someone that could help him. Someone he could trust and he pushes them away. He was pushing Matt away because he does open up to him and it probably frightens him. Protecting himself against people something he has probably had to do for way too long. Matt was not going to give up. Zayn would see he can trust him, he will make sure of it.

Xxxx

"Zayn's request was approved and his visitors are coming later today. If he lets you I want you there." Stanley is leaning in the doorway of the intern office, voice raised so Matt can hear him from his desk.

"OK, I will go find him in a second and ask." Stanley gives him a thumbs up then walks off. The intern in front of Matt, Kevin, spins round in his chair looking annoyed.

"You are so luck you got placed with doctor Middles. I got Fisher and all she does is give me her paperwork, I don't think I have learnt a single thing since I got here other then how to type without looking at the keyboard." Matt signs out of his computer, placing the files on his desk into the draw.

"I get boring stuff too." Kevin gives him a look that show he didn't believe him at all before turning back to his screen. Matt shrugs it off, adjusting his tie and checking he has his notepad before leaving the office and heading towards Zayn's room.

He finds him sitting against the headboard of his bed sketchbook resting against his knees.

He knocks on the door frame before entering.

"Hi, heard you are getting visitors today." Zayn places his sketchbook down, stretching his arms above his head. May tries to ignore the slither of skin that is exposed as he reaches up but fails miserably. His skin looks way to good.

"Yep, I was just about to head over actually."

"Do you mind if I come and sit with you?" Zayn gets up from his bed, grabbing a jumper from the side.

Its warm inside today, and it will definitely be warm in the visitors room so Zayn putting a jumper on is his attempt at covering his track marks. So whoever these visitors are he is not completely comfortable around.

"I guess so, but why?"

"Just so I can keep an eye, make sure your not uncomfortable or being put in a situation that's not right for you."

"Sounds good." Matt is, well more then surprised Zayn agreed so easily. He never knows what mood he will find Zayn in. Its either hey come talk to me or hey fuck off. But neither of them moods normally have him this compliant. This was new. And odd considering last time he saw Zayn was in the canteen when he claimed Matt didn't really care about him.

Maybe it was to do with the visit. Whoever it was he preferred the idea of Matt sitting with him then having to sit alone. Which just made Matt worry this was not going to be good for him.

"Great let's go then." Matt steps back so Zayn can walk passed him, then closes his room door before following. He keeps quite, greeting a few people as he passes eyes mostly staying on the back of Zayn's head as they walk.

He seemed really good today. There was no obvious signs of discomfort. He had been welcoming when he saw Matt. This was good. He just hopes it stays this way.

They are halfway to the visitors room when he notices the top of the envelopes sticking out of Zayn's pocket.  
So whoever was visiting was getting a a letter.  
This could be a bad thing, the letter are for people he has hurt.  
This whole visit was giving Matt a bad vibe.

"Are you even qualified to do stuff with me alone?" Matts eyes snap back up to where Zayn is looking at him over his shoulder.

"Yes, well no. You're not being assessed or anything. I'm just making sure you're not putting yourself at risk. If things go well and you want me to leave the room just say." They stop outside the room, Matt leaning around Zayn to put the code into the door. It unlocks with a heavy thud. Zayn steps back a bit, his shoulder pressing into Matts.

"Are they already in there?" Matt places a a hand on Zayn's arm, squeezing it lightly.

"Should be. Are you okay?"

"I'm nervous. I really messed up."

"I get that, but you are making up for it now. Sure you are ready for this?" Zayn let's out a long breath shaking the sleeve of his jumper down over his hands

"What if they are really angry?"

"Then you can leave. Just get up and leave whenever you want." Zayn takes a few more breaths then opens the door.

There is only one person sat waiting for them. Zayn stops in the doorway so Matt does the same, staying close and trying to work out how Zayn is feeling.

Zayn seems to sink into himself, pulling at the sleeve of his jumper again before stepping towards the table.

"Hi Harry." Matt sits down a couple of tables away to give them a little more privacy.  
"Is Liam not here?"  
"I didn't want him to come?" Zayn looks over to Matt, who gives him a reassuring smile before he turns back to Harry.

"Fair enough. How have you all been?" Matt can see the shake to Zayn's hand, and it takes a lot to not move closer. Close enough that he could cover Zayn's hands with his own to help steady them.

"I think it's best you just let me know why you wanted me here? I'm not really in the mood to sit and have small talk with you Zayn." Matt frowns, not happy at all with the way he was speaking to Zayn, not when he knew how much courage it took for Zayn to walk into this room.

"OK, I understand. I just um... I wanted the chance to say sorry to you both in person." Harry's head tilts to the side, his eyes roaming over Zayn's face.

"Sorry?"

"For the trouble I caused, between you all. You always helped me and I should have left him alone when you asked. I shouldn't have done anything in the first place." Him? Who was him? Liam maybe. And who was Liam to Harry? Matt jotted down the questions in his notepad eyes still flicking between Zayn and Harry.

"You took advantage."

"Yes, I did." Zayn looks down at the table, fingers curling together in front of him.

"If you had left him alone he would have been fine. It would have all been fine." Zayn nods, reaching into his back pocket for the letters.

"I wrote you both a letter." There are three in his hand, he places two down and slides them over to Harry. Harry doesn't take his eyes off Zayn, he doesn't pick up the letters either.

"Obviously I don't expect you to read it now. I just need to let you both know how sorry I am. For what I caused. And my words get muddled sometimes. Its better like this." Harry slides the letters closer to him and Zayn's shoulder relax slightly, relived that Harry seems to be willing to take them.

"I have one for Niall. Could you give it to him for me?" Harry flinches at the name, gaining Matts interest.

"He left remember."

"I thought maybe you knew where he was. What address I could use."

"Well I don't." Zayn looks disappointed, his grip on the letter tightening. It's important. Whatever is written on there and whoever this person is. Its important to him.

"Harry. I'm sorry for what I have caused."

"I guess that makes it all Okay then. Doesn't matter that everyone got hurt, because you are sorry because you sat and wrote some letters." Zayn sits up straighter, hand flattening out the letter on the table as he shakes his head squeezing his eyes shut. His legs starts to bounce, something Matt was learning he done when he was really struggling.

"I've had a lot of time to think while I have been in here. I pushed him, a lot. I knew he was hurt and angry and your right I used that to my advantage. And then when he was my friend I was scared that if we lost the drugs then maybe he wouldn't like me anymore so I kept pushing them on him. Then eventually he did stop being my friend because you and Liam were more important and at the time I felt really angry at that and I manipulated him again. I knew he was stressed about exams so I knew it would be easy. I made sure Liam saw. I'm sorry that my actions split you two up." Harry wipes at his face. Eyes red. Matt notes how tired he looks, face drawn in.

Zayn pushed drugs on someone?  
Someone close to Harry.  
Split them up?  
This Niall was Harry's boyfriend?

Matt pen scratched across the paper, Harry's head turning to look at him as he spoke to Zayn.

"You purposefully ruined everything. I helped you and you didn't give a fuck about the pain you were causing."

"I was in a bad place, I couldn't see what I was doing to people. I was selfish." There was a desperate tone in Zayn's voice. A shake.

"His dad doesn't think he will come back. He hasn't told me that but I heard him talking. It's not just a year, they don't think he will come back."

"I am so sorry." Zayn lowered his head, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"He wasn't going to go. He said he was going to stay. For me. We were going to see places together, never spend a day apart. Then you messed it all up and I thought-" He stops, rubbing at his eyes, head shaking.

"-I thought it would do him good. He needed that time to grow up a little more and experience being a teenager and then he would come back and we would start fresh. I didn't actually think- I thought he would come back, but now I don't think I will ever see him again. I love him Zayn and me and him would have been so good. You took that from me."

"I lost him too." Harry laughs, a look of disbelief on his face

"Excuse me? You didn't lose shit other then someone to use. I am in love with him, I had a future that I was looking forward to and you fucked it, you made him lose himself."

"I'm so fucking sorry for that Harry. All I can do is apologise. I don't know what else I can do." Harry slumps back in his chair, running his hands though his hair. It stay quite for what feels like hours. Zayn looking down at his hands his foot tapping constantly on the floor. Harry breaths out, running a hand over his face as he leans back on the table.

"I'm not yet at a place where I can accept your apology. I know that's not what you wanted from this, and if it effects your recovery then sorry. But I can't forgive you. Not after what I lost. But I will try to get there." Zayn's head snaps up. Eyes wide and hopeful. It probably more then what he expected.

"I would really like that. You will read my letter won't you? And give Liam his?" Harry picks the letters back up, signing loudly.

"You remember the first time we met?"

"Yes." Harry folds the letters before slipping them into his pocket.

"You where asleep on Cassie's sofa and you looked like shit. All I wanted was to help you. Cassie told me about your parents and the trouble you had got yourself in with some pretty bad people. I just wanted to help you. I thought I was. Sometimes I think we should have just left you alone to rot." Zayn winces, hurt flashing across his face.  
"You're just a kid who's had a really shit time and because of that you want to hurt others. A bully. That's what you where to him and he still let you in." Harry laughs, shaking his head.  
"I should hate you, but I don't. I'm just so angry at the moment." Harry gets up chair scrapping loudly on the floor.

"I'm not certain but I think Niall is in Italy. Venice. He sends postcards and that was the last one and it's been a few weeks. I believe that might be where he has decided to settle. If you can contact his dad he will probably have an address for the letter. That's the only help I can give you for that."

"Okay, thank you. And thank you for coming to see me." Harry clears his throat, glancing at Matt again.

"Are they treating you OK in here?" Zayn nods, standing up.

"Yes, they are nice. It's helping."

"You need anything? Money?"

"No, even if I did I can't ask that of you. Not anymore" Harry pushes his chair back into the table, hand smoothing down his jumper.

"Your parents step up?"

"Yeah, scared the shit out of them I think. I think they love me. Who knew." Zayn let's out a small laugh, fingers awkwardly tapping on the back of his chair.

"OK, good. Don't you ever fucking do something so stupid again. Get yourself sorted and have a good life. Don't contact Liam. I don't want him near you."

Harry turns to Matt, finger pointed at Zayn.

"Look after him."

"I will sir." Harry looks once more at Zayn then walks to the door leaving quickly. Zayn's body slumps a little, looking relived to finally have it over and done with.

"How are you feeling?"

"I need some air. Come for a smoke with me?" Matt agrees grabbing his stuff before following Zayn out of the room and down the hall towards his room.

"It will have to be quick i'm afraid as I have some reports I really need to type up, and I have to meet with Stanley and then I have this paper I have to work on for my class and god I had no clue how much i had to do until I said that out loud. That's gross." Zayn looks over his shoulder giving him a weird look.

"Sounds amazing." They stop outside his room so he can go in and grab his cigarettes and lighter. He comes back out clutching the pack in his hand and pulling a beanie over his head.

"Cute." Matt's eye widen and he quickly turns away from Zayn before he can see his reaction. "Practical, cause like its a bit chilly today." He is pretty sure he hears Zayn laugh but he keeps his back to him until they get to the door. Matt pushes it open then stands to the side to let Zayn pass before letting it shut behind them.

There are quite a few people outside today,but when they turn the corner into the smoking area it's just the two of them and the overgrown damp grass. Matt puts his notebook and pen into the back pocket of his trousers as Zayn lights up, leaning against the wall.

He takes a long drag, eyes closing as he tips his head back to blow smoke out. He looks more relaxed already. Matt rests on the wall next to him, giving him a moment of quite to collect his thoughts over what just happened.

Matt would probably have to go and talk to Stanley about it once he went back inside. And then no doubt another report would be added to his pile.

Zayn takes another long, deep drag before moving away from the wall and starting to slowly pace in front of Matt.

"Ask me some questions then because I know you want to and its making me all fucking jittery because you haven't yet and i would actually like to talk about it but I don't know how so ask me stuff."

"Who is Niall?" Zayn huffs, pushing his beanie back as he scratches at his head.

"Straight in with the fucking difficult shit." Matt just shrugs. To be fair how is he supposed to know what the difficult shit is.

"I went to school with him. He is-or was best friends with Liam who is Harry's son. He is also Harry's ex boyfriend."

"Wait, but Harry is-"

"Older but not by much really. Like thirteen years? He is not Liam's biological dad and he was like super young when he meet Liam's mum and Liam was already born or some shit."

"Was Niall friends with you?"

"I bullied him. Taunted him for being gay. I fucking teased him when his mum died. And then his brother like fucked off and his dad lost it for a bit and i teased him about that too. Got physical a few times, but he got a couple of punches in. Then I used the fact he was messed up over his mum to get him to take drugs which ruined his friendship with Liam and broke him and Harry up. He tried to stop but that pissed me off so I kinda set him up to take drugs and made it so Liam saw us together, like together . And then he broke my nose and left and now it seems he is not coming back so i really broke them up for good which i kind of feel shit about. So yeah, i'm an arsehole" Well that was a lot more then Matt expected. Matt tries to break it down, deciding what part was more important to talk about right now.

"Why did you taunt him for being gay when you are gay yourself?" Zayn stops pacing, kicking gently at the ground.

"It made me angry that he was so open about it. Like he did not give a fuck what people thought which made people not care somehow. I hated that I could not do that. When I told my parents it was the first time I had let myself say it out loud and it went so fucking wrong that I could never imagine myself being out and proud. I wanted to hate him."

"Did you hate him?"

"No." Zayn laughs, placing his cigarette between his lips. "God no I didn't hate him. I just really, really wanted to. So I acted like I did. I wanted him to feel just a small bit of what i was feeling every second of everyday because it just felt so unfair that it was so easy for him."

"So you didn't hate him but you bullied him and you teased him about his mother dying."

"I told you I was an arsehole." Zayn turns away from him, smoke drifting up over his head. Matt tilts his head back, watching it twist and curl as it vanishes towards the sky.

"You were sad and hurt and I imagine terribly lonely, but not an arsehole. I think it's perfectly normal to want to act out towards a person who is maybe everything you wish you could be, or think you should be." Zayn doesn't reply, but Matt can see his body tense up. It was hard, especially for someone like Zayn to open up and face everything they had done and the reasons why.  
If Matt wanted to help him he would have to push a little and not worry about upsetting him or hurting his feelings.

He can't let his crush on Zayn hold him back from putting a little pressure on him. He can't treat him different.

"You talked him into taking drugs? Did you want him to become an addict? You wanted him to end up the same as you? Or did you just want someone who was like you in the way of your sexuality and give him something else in common with you? Ruin him?"

"Jesus." Zayn throws his cigarette down on the ground, grinding the toe of his show onto it. "I don't fucking know. I don't know why I done it but after the first time- I had fun with him. I wanted to have that again. He became a friend. When there was drugs he was my friend. I didn't want to lose that. It was nice." Matt walks over to stand next to Zayn, wanting to be closer. He keeps his head turned away on purpose knowing Zayn wouldn't want him looking at him while he is trying to open up about something that in Matts opinion probably contributed a lot to his overdose.

Him and Stanley had been focusing on his relationship with his parents and his teacher. But it was Harry and Liam he wanted to see. And the letter to Niall seemed important. These were the people they had to focus on for now.

"Being gay is so much harder then it should be and that will never make sense to me. Some people never admit it and can never be themselves. The fact that you, at the age of fourteen felt ready to tell you parents is just another level of brave. Being gay when you are made to believe it is wrong must be one of the loneliest feelings in the world. I was lucky so I can't even imagine what it must have been like for you. I'm not surprised you felt you had to do something so drastic to keep a friend." Zayn turns his head to the side. Matt has to clench his hands into tight fist to stop himself from reaching out. To take his face in his hands and make him look at him to see he is telling him the truth.

"It's understandable Zayn. Why you would do that. I know it's going to take some time but you will see that one day. You were on your own and you just wanted someone and when you did you just done what you thought you needed to do to keep him."

"I just had to be nice. If I was just nice he would have been my friend and everything would still be OK. Its my fault he lost Liam and its my fault him and Harry spilt up and it will be my fault if he never comes back. I just had to be fucking nice."

"Well the world hasn't been very nice to you. I don't think we can blame you for being a bit mean right back." Zayn turns to face him then, eyes watering and red. He looks young and innocent and it cracks at Matts heart.

"Do you think they could ever forgive me?"

"Anyone would forgive you. You are doing everything you can to make yourself better. You are already making it up to them by apologising and taking responsibility for what you done. It's maybe just still a little painful for them, give them time. Nobody is going to hold a grudge for something you done at a terrible point in your life. They just need to heal too." Zayn walks away from him, leaning against the wall, looking out across the garden.

Matt wonders if things had been different. If he had met Zayn another way, would he have been able to stand behind him, wrap his arms around his waist and comfort him the way he really wants to? Instead of staying back, keeping the professional distance.

Sometimes words are not enough. Matt just wants to hold him.

"Could do with one of your super random facts right now." Matt rocks back on his feet, shoving his hands into his pocket, eyes glued to the back of Zayn's head.

"Smoking is the biggest preventable cause of cancer" Zayn let's out a surprised laugh head snapping round to look at Matt.

Its still not a proper laugh but the sound still sends a tingle all the way down to his toes and has him grinning at Zayn like a madman.

"You're such an arsehole." Matt just shrugs.

"I must be catching that from you."

Xxxxxxxx

"Mum, what are you doing here?" Matt doesn't mean to sound annoyed but it's late and he is worn out and he had been looking forward to getting showered and crashing.

His mum stands up as he unlocks the entrance door holding it for her.

"I was worried. You haven't been answering my calls or my texts." Matt holds back his sigh as he walks up the stairs.

He was twenty one. When was his mum going to learn the world was not ending if he didn't talk to her for a couple of days.

"I have been busy with work." The tut she let's out almost has him jamming his key too hard into the lock.

He loves his mum. He loves her and she is showing she cares.

"Your part time internship?"

"Oh don't act like you didn't expect me to put extra hours in. Plus I have uni." Thankfully his flat is clean. Mostly because he had not been home much the past few weeks for it to be anything but.  
He just prayed his mum didn't check the kitchen and find he has zero food in, apart from a mouldy load of bread he keeps forgetting to throw out and two day old milk.

"I just want to make a good impression. I promise I am not overworking myself. I'm eating healthy and I'm sleeping." She walks passed him and straight into the kitchen where she promptly starts slamming cupboards open and shut before venturing into his fridge. Matt waits for the lecture, slipping his shoes and jacket off.

He was way to tired for this.

"Well there goes my hopes of a nice cup of tea with my son." The fridge wobbles with how hard shuts it.  
"And let's not pretend your extra hours are anything to do with making the right impression. Not on the people that matter anyway." Matt forces his face to go blank as she marches back into the room.

"Is this seriously what this is about? One of my patients? Mum I told you it was not a problem and I don't see him anymore then the others."

"Good, because he is an addict Matthew."

"So was Grandad!"

"Yes and look how that turned out!"

"He is getting himself sorted. Mum he is doing so well."

"An addict is always an addict. You know this. It will be with him for life and it would be with you." Matt laughs, shaking his head.

"Your acting like I'm in a relationship with him mum. Yes I have a crush I like him so what? It's nothing more, I can't believe you are that worried you came here to argue about it."

"I didn't come here to argue actually." Her shoulders slump and she suddenly looks so stressed that Matt can't even be annoyed with her anymore.  
"I came here because I was worried you were doing too much. Which clearly you are. I will make a list and get to the shops for you."

"You don't have to do that. I will make time." Matt moves to the sofa, patting the seat next to him, giving his mum his best smile. She rolls her eyes letting out a frustrated sigh as she sits next to him.

"I know I don't have to but I want to. I like taking care of you. Gives me something to do."

"You always take care of me." Matt takes her hands in his, squeezing them lightly.

"I just want more for you then what I had." He feels so guilty. He had grown up watching his mum struggle everyday with looking after his Grandad. She had been doing it from such a young age whilst also trying her hardest to be a wife and a mum. It's not really surprising she would be scared at the thought of him heading towards a similar life.

"I know you do. You do a really good job of it so thank you."

"But why him Matthew?" Matt falls back into the sofa, keeping a grip of his mums hands.

"I see something in him. And he is just so beautiful."

"Promise me you will let him go. When he leaves you have to forget about him. Don't live my life." Matt smiles, pressing a quick kiss to the back of her hand.

"I told you, its just a silly crush. It's nothing to worry about mum." Matt has never lied to his mum before. Not intentionally anyway. But this definitely feels like a lie. The words almost burn at his mouth as he speaks.  
"He is just a patient. Nothing more."

Xxxxxxx

"Stanley I am so sorry I'm late." Matt drops his bag by the door of Stanley's office, flapping his shirt to cool himself down from how fast he had just ran from his car.  
"My uni lecture ran over and then I didn't have my ID on me so had to go home to get it." Stanley waves his hand towards him, smiling kindly as he moves around his desk.

"No worries, you didn't miss much. We all run late on the occasion, you are a very busy boy." Matt relaxes, glad he is not going to be scolded and marked down for it. He had worked his arse of to get to the top of his class he would be devastated to lose it suddenly because of something so stupid.

"Thank you for understanding. It has been a bit mental."

"Ah the life of an intern. I remember it well. Try being an intern to a surgical madman like I was. No idea how I managed." Matt really wants to know more about that but his attention is caught by an acoustic guitar leaning in the corner of the room.

"You play?" He asked as he carefully picks it up. Matt has always wanted to learn to play a musical instrument but had never really giving himself the time too.

It must be such a wonderful skill to have. Music was just, well everything to a lot of people.

"No. God no I would be terrible I imagine. My fingers are to clumsy." Matt laughs, placing the guitar back down.

"That's worrying for a man who used to cut into people." Stanley chuckles, pulling a folder out of his desk and holding it out for Matt to take.

"It's Zayn's. So if you could take it to him after dropping that file of at the pharmacy for me I would really appreciate it."

"Zayns?." Matt heart does a little flip on his chest like it does every time he learns something new about Zayn. He plays guitar?

Of course he does. He can picture that so clearly in his mind.

"Yes. His mother sent it. Said he was probably missing it. How did the visit go yesterday? I went to check in with him but he was asleep."

"Um good. It went good, I think. Better then he expected anyway. I don't think he got everything he wanted from it but he seems to understand these things take time. We spoke after for a bit and he seemed in a good place." Matt picks the guitar up again, fingers brushing over the strings where Zayn's fingers would have moved.  
He wants to hear him play so badly.

"Sounds positive. Why don't you head off and let him have that them? Might do him some good. Maybe talk to him about some of the group activities today. Find out if we are any closer to getting him to interact with the others." Matt nods, feeling a little dazed as he leaves the office, mumbling a bye to Stanley as he leaves.

He almost forgets about the file tucked under his arm and has to backtrack quickly to drop it off doing his best to avoid getting sucked into a conversation with the two girl there.

He doesn't know why he is suddenly so desperate to get to Zayn.  
Isn't he always though? A part of him always seems to be itching to go to his room. To talk to him. To learn something. Everything.

Its just a silly crush.

He has to stop for a second and catch his breath. It had felt like a lie at the time and god was it a lie.

Zayn door is open so he walks straight in. Zayn is just coming out of his bathroom, black jogging bottoms hanging low on his hips, one hand scratching at his bare chest while the other holds his toothbrush to his mouth.

The urge to drop the guitar and smack the toothbrush from his hands so he can kiss him hits him with about the same force as a bus.

A double decker bus. He has never felt it like that before. He has thought about what it would be like to kiss him. Would his lips feel as soft as they look? What would he taste like? What noises could he pull from him? Would he let him trace the outline of his tattoos after. Ask about them. Tell him all the things that made him who he was.

But it's nothing compared to how strong he feels it now. How he just want to grab him and kiss the breath out of him.

Holy fuck

"Music." Zayn frowns, moving the toothbrush away from his mouth and wiping at his lip with the back of his hand.

"What?" Matt shakes his head holding the guitar up. Zayn face brightens. Actually brightens as he surges forward to take the guitar from Matt. And he smiles. Matts knees shake a bit as Zayn drops his toothbrush on the side then sits down on the end of the bed, guitar in his lap as he starts to tune it.

"How did you get it?"

"Your mum had it sent." Zayn doesn't seem to hear his response, head bowed down as he listens to the notes he plays.

"We have a really good music therapy session. I didn't know you played" Zayn shuffles back onto the bed more, crossing his legs. He continues to ignore Matt as he starts to play properly.

An actual song, his fingers moving quickly.  
Matt slumps against the wall and considers what his chances are of not falling in love with Zayn.

Slim. They are slim.

His mum is going to kill him.

"Harry has this music shop and he does guitar lessons there. He taught me. For free, cause he does nice shit like that. He said he wanted me to have something, that like made me happy or whatever." He doesn't stop playing as he talks and it's almost too much. Watching and listening to him play while he gives Matt something without him having to ask.

"I used to go to his shop a couple of times a week and I would just play and he would be so patient. When I asked my mum for a guitar for my birthday I obviously didn't get one. I didn't even have to moan to Harry about it. He didn't even know I had asked or wanted my own. But I let slip it was my birthday and he gave me this. Just took it down from the wall and handed it to me." Matt moves slowly over to the bed, sitting down as far away from Zayn as he can manage. A little afraid he will ruin the moment if he moves to fast.

"It was the nicest thing someone had done for me for a really long time. And how did I replay him." Zayn shakes his head, fingers pausing. The silence is loud. Matts ears ringing as he watches Zayn.

"I want to get better." he lifts his head slowly, turning to look straight at Matt.  
"I'm going to get better. Right? It's possible?" Matt leaves forward, hand sliding across the bed until the tips of his fingers brush across Zayn's knee.

"It's possible. If you let me help you." Zayn looks down at Matts hand, hugging his guitar closer to his chest.

"I will." He looks back up at Matt, eyes wide and honest. "I want you to."

Xxxxxx

It become a whole lot easier after that. And all it took was handing Zayn that guitar.  
Something that was his. Another piece of him.

Art and music. Two thing that make Zayn who he is. His core.

That's all it took to make him take that last step and really want to have help with doing thing.  
Zayn was making a massive effort to open up and say stuff that he has probably been wanting to say for a really long time.  
Talk about things he has always felt he had to keep close to his chest to protect himself.

Matt spends most his nights laying in bed, all the things they have spoken about swirling around in his head.

He can see the weigh lifting off Zayn more and more each day. He looks almost happy to see Matt each morning or afternoon.

Matt had become an expert at avoiding his mum because there is no way he wont give himself away it she asks him about Zayn now.

He has feelings for him.  
Full on, strong feelings that make his heart double in size.  
They also make him wake up most mornings with his dick hard and aching as his hips push into his mattress. But that's another thing altogether.  
Anyway, he refuses to get off on the thought of his patient.  
He has made the line quite blurry by letting himself grow feeling for him. Best not to cross it completely by wanking over said feelings.

"I think mostly it was just nice having someone actually stop and ask if I am alright." They are currently spread out on their backs in the garden, sun shining strongly down on their faces. Matt has his eyes closed, hands by his side as he pulls as the grass.

Zayn had brought up the subject of Mason almost as soon as they had settled down together.

"I knew what everyone else was saying. About how I looked and how it was pretty obvious I hadn't washed for a few days."

"That must have been hard."

"It was embarrassing." Matt opens his eyes but Zayn is looking away from him, the skin on the back of his neck red.

"Nobody wants to be the dirty one at school do they. But I was. And some of them had seen me sleeping rough a couple of times. At the park mostly. Nobody actually asked if I was okay until Mason."

"What about Harry and Cassie?"

"Mason came first." Matt turns and leans up on his elbow

"Do you think if you had their help first things would have been different with you and Mason?"

"I don't know, maybe. I still don't think what i had with him was bad. He gave me comfort. Made me feel like someone actually wanted me. Cassie and Harry they helped, they made me feel like i might have a chance and it was obvious they wanted something better for me. But with Mason, he wanted me in that way and it made me feel good about myself. And he didn't lecture me about how I could be better and I felt like he understood why I took drugs. I felt safe while I was with him and he did look after me." Matt pushes himself into a sitting position, forcing away the sick stirring he always got at the thought of Zayn and Mason together. How naive Zayn was and still is over what what being done to him.

Of course Matt is aware there is a small chance it was the way Zayn said it was.

He is also aware that most normal men in their late forties don't start fucking a fourteen year old kid when they find out they are practically homeless and on drugs.

"Talk me through how is started. He spoke to you when he realised something was wrong, how did you go from that to having a sexual relationship with him. What made you want that?" Zayn turns his face back towards Matt, looking thoughtful.

"I'm not actually sure. It was not planned. At first he just offered me the chance to sit in his classroom when it was empty so I could get some sleep or do some school work. He helped me with that too, got some of my grades up. Not enough to pass my exams but enough that I felt proud of myself." Zayn sits up, crossing his legs as he turns his body towards Matt.

"After a couple of weeks he saw me standing outside the school as he was leaving and asked if I wanted a shower and something decent to eat. I wasn't stupid enough to say no to that. It was nice. I got to wash up and he cleaned my clothes and cooked a proper home cooked meal. Never thought i would be excited to eat vegetables and healthy shit. I think after that he could tell i didn't want to leave so he offered me to sleep in his spare room."

"That was all?"

"Yeah, for a while. I didn't go there that much. I didn't like asking for help. Or relying on people too much. Sometimes I went to Cassie and just crashed on her sofa. She always called Harry and he wound turn up with some money and an offer to stay with him. Mostly I stayed at the park and slept. I got into my parents house sometimes. So I was only with Mason maybe once or twice a week. He would cook while I had a wash. Then he would help with school work or let me shut myself away with my guitar or sketch book. It really was innocent. He was just helping."

"But then it changed." Zayn sighs, folding his arms around himself.

"I turned up high. And he was really calm about it and didn't lecture me at all. Just asked me why I wanted to be that way. I think I told him about my parents reaction when I came out as gay. How I felt like I was wrong being the way I was. At some point we kissed and I guess we had sex like on the sofa."

"It was your first time?"

"Yes. He was nice about it."

"You don't seem like you remember it well." Zayn frowned, deep enough that lines appear on his forehead. He had probably never spoken about this out loud before. Never had the chance to really lay it out and think about how things played out. The more he spoke the more confused he was likely to become. There was a high chance he would push Matt away again as he realised thing might not be the way he was letting himself remember.

"I was high so I guess some of it was blurry. But I don't remember being scared or anything. I had been going there for weeks and he had kept his distance. He is not a horrible person. I mean... he slept with kids so maybe... but that was with them. We were different. We carried on for a couple of years, so it meant something else. And he never pushed me into sex at any point. If I didn't want to be around him he accepted it."

Because when he didn't have you he had someone else. Matt has to bite down on his tongue to stop himself from saying it.

"Can we talk about something different now please." Matt forces a smile onto face. He can see Zayn is getting distressed. Eyes flicking about as he thinks.

"Of course we can. Anything you want." Zayn let's out a breath, nodding.

"Maybe I could just go in. Get my sketchbook." Matt stands up pushing down his disappointment as Zayn stumbles up to his feet and walks off.

After that Stanley and Matt agree that any talk of Mason should only be during sessions. Matt was close to be qualified but he still would rather Zayn be in the hands of Stanley for that subject from now on.

Matt kept things pretty light for a few days. Asked about his sister and his childhood, things before it got bad. Although Zayn didn't seem to have the most loving parents as a child it was nice to hear about his happier times.

They walked around the garden loads and if the weather was a little chilly or Zayn was not feeling up to it then they sat in the rec room. Zayn drawing and Matt asking him a million questions about anything they came to mind.

Matt thought about Zayn the second he woke up. Excited to start his shift and find out more about him. He was really starting to hate leaving him though. But he had other patients and his own work to be getting on with. A couple hours hours per shift just did not feel like enough anymore. Days off where like torture and he had quite often ended up volunteering to come in and help with group activities just to have an excuse to stop by Zayn's room and offer his company for a bit.

It was going well.

Or at least he thought it was.

Matt is only ten minutes into his shift when Stanley comes to find him in the office.

"A word please Matthew."Matt glances around the room, exchanging confused looks with the others before switching off his computer and walking out into the hallway.  
He could tell something was wrong the second he really looked at Stanley.

"What's happened?" He starts going though the patients in his head. They had a few new ones that had not been settling in well.

"Zayn was caught breaking into the pharmacy last night."

"What, how?"

"He stole the ID card from one of the nurses after night checks."

"He didn't get in though?"

"He got in but he was caught before he took anything. He had three boxes of Tramadol on him." Matt slumps again the wall, dropping his face into his hands.

"Where is he now?"

"His room. We have him locked in for now." God. God. He was really hate that. But Tramadol?

"Why do they have Tramadol in the pharmacy?"

"Different people with different needs. Why do you think it's locked up."

"Bit pointless locking it up if they don't keep track of their IDs. Jesus that would have ruined everything. Can I go see him?"

"Yeah I will let you in." Matt follows Stanley towards Zayn's room.

He can't work out if he is more disappointed, pissed off or sad.  
He was so sure Zayn had got to a really good place. He knew it was normal for any kind of relapse to happen at any point in time. It still surprised him.

He could almost hear his mums voice saying I told you so.

"He hasn't spoken to anyone. He hit the nurse who found him and they had to call security to help get him back to his room. I went to see him about an hour ago and he told me to fuck off before I could even get a word out." Not surprising at all. He is going to be feeling let down by himself. Angry at giving in and also about being caught. At least he was taking it out on other people and not himself.

By the time they reached Zayn's room and Stanley had unlocked the door Matt had come to the decision that his mother would not be right about this.

"Here take this. I will leave you to it." Stanley drops the room key into Matts hand, squeezing his shoulder once before walking off. Matt waited until he had turned the corner before going on, shutting and locking the door behind him.

Zayn is pacing back and forward, hands clasped together behind his head. His breathing is loud and harsh, chest heaving, his eyes screwed shut.

Matt suddenly doesn't know what to say. Scared that he might choose the wrong words that send Zayn spiralling deeper into the mess he had got his head into.

"I want to leave my room. This isn't a fucking prison." Matt slides the room key into his pocket.

"I know. Its for everyone's safely, including your own." Zayn laughs weakly, tugging at his hair.

"I'm more of a danger to myself locked up in here trust me." Matt looks around the room, trying to spot anything Zayn could possible use to hurt himself.

His cigarettes. His lighter. Did he have a razor? Did anyone have a chance to check his room for everything?

"What happened? Why don't you tell me where your head was at."

"Why don't you let me out of this fucking room."

"I'm not going to do that until you are calm. So talk to me." Zayn stops pacing, unclasping his hands and dragging them over his face.

"It's hard. It's so fucking hard and I just want to fucking get high. I miss it. Its so much fucking easier to just get high."

"Is that all you were trying to do?" Matt moves towards the bathroom, switching the light on. There was an electrical razor laying on the counter so he picked it up, winding up the lead and shoving it into his back pocket.

"What are you doing?"

"Answer my question." He pushes passed Zayn to go back into the bedroom snatching up his lighter before Zayn notices.

"Yes that is all i wanted to do. I'm not trying to kill myself if that's what your worried about."

"But you could have done. So what were you doing? What made you want to break into the pharmacy and attempt to steal enough medication to not only send you right back to where you started but also enough to very successfully kill you." Matt opens the bedside table, moving Zayn things about. He takes a pen and adds that to his pocket.

"What the fuck are you doing with my stuff?" Zayn grabs Matt's arm pulling him away and slamming the draw shut.  
"You have no right you arsehole." Matt doesn't know where the anger suddenly comes from. Or maybe he does. Maybe it comes from how much he worries about Zayn. How much he thinks about how good he wants his life to be. The memories of his Grandad and how he dragged his mum down again and again because he couldn't get better, didn't understand that he could get better if he asked for help. How he didn't want that life for Zayn or anyone he had the chance to help.

It hits him quick and before he can tell himself its a terrible idea he has Zayn pinned to the bed, shirt tightly wrapped around his fist, his other hand pushing down on the side of his face, pushing it into the mattress.

"I have every right to make sure there is nothing you can do to hurt yourself. I don't know if this is your attempt at pushing away everyone who wants to help you but it won't work. You push me then I push back twice as hard do you understand?" Matt leans down until his nose is almost touching Zayn cheek. Zayn keeps his eyes on the wall, a stubborn look to his face as he refuses to react to Matt. His body is tense under his and Matt has no doubt that Zayn could overpower him if he wanted to, especially when he was so hyped up.  
"I said do you understand?" Zayn gives him a small nod, body going taunt against the bed. Matt let's go of him stepping back, hands shaking as he pushes his hair back out of his face.

Zayn sits up slowly, head bowed down as Matt checks the rest of the room for anything Zayn could use to hurt himself.

"When will I be let out my room?"

"That will be up to Stanley." Zayn huffs and it sounds so much like a spoilt child that Matt can't help but get annoyed by it.

He turns, eyes meeting Zayn's for a moment before he is reaching for Zayn's guitar by the end of the bed.

Zayn face falls and he is off the bed in a flash.  
"No." Matt lifts his arm, pushing Zayn back until he has him against the wall arm across his chest. 

"There is a group session in the rec room at five. I will tell Stanley you want to go and he will make sure you are let out for it."

"I'm not going to some stupid fucking group." Matt drops his arm, walking over to the door.

"You want this back." He holds the guitar up, trying to not feel terrible when Zayn's eyes go wide and sad.  
"Go to the session." Matt leaves then, locking the door behind him.

He stops to drop of the razor, lighter and pens with Stanley quickly letting him know about Zayn wanting to leave his room. By the time he gets to his office he is shaking again. He places the guitar on his chair then practically runs to the closest fire exit desperately trying to catch his breath.

Xxxxxx

He still feels guilty when five o'clock hits.  
He feels less guilty when it gets to ten past six and Zayn storms into the office, face like thunder as he snatches his guitar from beside Matts desk.

"I went to the stupid fucking session so fuck you. Prick." Matt switches off his computer. Smiles at the other interns who are giving him confused looks. Then he finally let's himself go home like he was supposed to five hours ago.

Xxxxx

"I got you a date!" Matt freezes, halfway to walking into his flat, phone pressed to his ear.  
He is weighed down by books and also from his day and these are not the words he wants to hear come out of his mums mouth right now.

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean silly." she is being purposefully upbeat which just makes Matt want to throw his phone against the wall then stomp on it until it's nothing but dust.  
The opposite effect to what she probably thinks she is having.  
Matt lets the door shut with a thud, sliding his bag off his shoulder and he walks over to his sofa.  
"It's Friday night. And I know you don't work Friday nights or have any classes so no excuses."

"Mum, I hardly have time to breath I can't go on a date. I have to revise, my exams are so close. Why are you setting me up on dates now?"

"Because it's been so long since you went on a date that I figured you must have forgot how to organise one." Matt drops down on the sofa, letting his head fall back  
How did his mum even know enough about his dating life to know it had been a pathetically long time since he went on a date with a boy. Even longer since he last had any action at all.

"I haven't forgotten, there just hasn't been anyone." Lie. "I have more important things right now. Once I am qualified and settled somewhere I'm sure i will date. Why do you care so much anyway? Please don't tell me your thinking about grandchildren. You have a long wait for that trust me."

"I'm thinking about you and that's all. He is a really nice boy." Matt smooths his thumb across this forehead feeling a headache starting to build up.

"How do you even know him?"

"It's Bianca's son. You remember Calvin right? Left to go to Ghana to build schools." Matt holds his hand up in a chocking motion. He defiantly remembers Calvin and the way his mum had hinted at them dating from the second Matt came out to her.

"Well tell Calvin you made a mistake. I'm not going. I shall be revising."

"I will do no such thing."

"Well then he will be stood up. I won't even feel guilty about it." He actually will but not enough to go.

"He won't because I gave him your address and he will be there at seven." Matt groans, sliding down the sofa closing his eyes.

"Mum! You can't just give my address out and set me up with people without asking me first. This is all I need right now." His mum goes silent long enough for Matt to check his phone to make sure he had not lost the connection.

"Mum?"

"Whats happened?" Matt sighs, grabbing a cushion and laying it over his face.

"One of my patients almost relapsed. Which I know is going to happen, a lot, but it just upset me a bit I guess. I wasn't expecting it."

"This Zayn boy?"

"Please don't lecture me right now." Matt puts his mum on speaker, dropping his phone to his chest as he pushes the cushion back off his face so he can rub at his eyes.

"Is he alright?"

"Yes I think so. He got hold of some medication but he didn't take any. Just knowing how close he was is enough to scare the hell out of me. It's just so messed up Mum, he doesn't deserve to go through this. I'm just-" Matt drops his hands, eyes feeling too heavy to open again. The idea of having to get up and make dinner before he goes to sleep is actual hell.  
"I'm glad I had you and Dad. I'm lucky you have been so understanding and accepting. He didn't have that and it would have made all the difference you know. It would have changed everything for him. And not just for him. It's for all of them. All of them would have had such different lives if just one thing went differently for them. It's so unfair."

"That's why you want to do this love. To do good. To be one of the things that gets them to a better place. Just remember that he can't be fixed permanently he will have to keep working on himself."

"He doesn't need to be fixed. He just needs to be loved. He need to know he is good enough just as he is. Perfect actually." He finally get his eyes open, looking up at the white ceiling above him. His mum is quite again but he can hear her breathing, and the soft click that gives away the gentle tap of her finger against the phone. He has seen her do that many times, normally when the person on the other side is annoying her.

"You said it was just a crush." Matt picks his phone back up, the screen lit up and showing a picture of his mum smiling back at him.

"I think it might be a bit more then that now."

"Go on this date Matthew. Seven on Friday. Trust me with this. He is a good boy. He will be good for you." Matt taps on the red button on his screen before throwing his phone to the side.

He loves his mum with all his heart. He would not change her for the world, but right now he wished she was a bit more understanding.

He doesn't bother with dinner after that. He just rolls onto his side and let's himself drift off, ignoring the ding of his phone.

Xxxxx

He comes across Zayn the next afternoon in the corridor outside the rec room. He doesn't see Matt at first, looking down at his feet as he walks towards him a small thin paintbrush in his mouth. When he looks up and meets Matts eyes he stops. So Matt does the same, shoving his hands into his pocket and giving Zayn a nervous smile. He looks tired, the skin under his eyes dark and puffy. Beautiful though. Always beautiful.

Zayn takes the brush out of his mouth, wiggling it between his fingers as he starts to slowly walk towards Matt.

"I just needed to get something from my room and didn't want someone to steal it." Matt nods once, smile growing bigger,

"Fair enough. How are you feeling today?"

"Good. I um..i spoke to my sister on the phone last night. So that was nice."

"Great. You keeping busy today?" Matt closes the gap between them, the toes of his shoes almost touching Zayn's.

"Yep. Not too busy to head outside for a smoke if your interested? Or have time yourself of course. You might be busy." Zayn slid the paintbrush behind his ear, a look in his eyes that Matt can't quite work out. It's not what he expected. Not after the way Matt treated him yesterday. He expected anger and to be ignored. He though he had properly messed everything up between them.

"I can definitely do that." Zayn sucks his bottom lip between his teeth before stepping around Matt motioning for him to follow.

They walk in silence, close enough that Zayn's arm and hand keep brushing up against Matts. It makes him feel like a teenager. Stomach swooping as he wonders if it was an accident or on purpose.

He feels closer to him today. Like maybe what happened yesterday was what Zayn needed. Someone to get angry and show they actually care about what he does to himself.

At least he hoped that was the way Zayn saw it.

"So how did the group session go yesterday?" Matt asked once they are settled down on the grass, Zayn leaning back on his hand as he smokes.

"Lame. Only done it to get my guitar back. So nice try." Matt pouts, tilting his head back towards the sun.

"Did you speak to Stanley too?"

"Yep. Don't worry I got my head back on straight. I guess these things will happen right?"

"Yes. You just need to find ways to cope with it when it happens. Support groups or a buddy system. Family too."

"Stanley told me about the buddy system. I think I would prefer something like that over going to my family. I don't want to rely on them too much." Zayn falls back onto his back, hand tucked behind his head and eyes closed against the light.

"What about Cassie?"

"No way. Her and Harry are like a team. I'm not sure she will be so cool with helping me again now I have helped Harry get his heart broken."

"You know that's not all on you right? Niall made the choice to take drugs with you and behave the way he did."

"I don't want to start talking about this." Zayn sits up again, adjusting the brush behind his ear before crossing his legs.

"Let just sit here quietly enjoying the silence and having no thoughts." Matt shuffles back until he can sit against the wall, watching Zayn as he lays back down again placing his cigarette between his lips. He last about five seconds.

"This seems like and awful waste of time. also i'm not sure how to have no thoughts." Zayn lifts his head up, looking baffled.

"You are so odd. But fine. Tell me your thoughts for once. What has been bothering you lately Matthew?" Zayn rolls onto his side, propping his head up with his hand.

I want to kiss you. hold your hand for a bit make you smile everyday. kiss you some more.

"My mum set me up on a date for Friday night cause she doesn't think I remember how to date people." Zayn gives him a blank look before covering his mouth as he laughs. A proper laugh. That has him curling his legs up and his eyes crinkling at the corners and his eyes shining.

It probably has Matt falling a little in love too.

"Holy crap that is the best sound I have ever heard." Zayn laughter dies down, his eyes on Matt and a soft smile still on his face.

"Really?" Matt nods, bringing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them.

"My new favourite sound." Zayn blushes, but he keeps looking at Matt, biting down on his lip.

"Are you going to go on this date?" Is he going to go on this date? Should he?

It would do him good.

Get away from work and studying.  
Clear his head and have some new company. Some hopefully decent food and drinks. When was the last time he even got drunk? Or went out for the night?  
Maybe it could be fun. Maybe a quick fumble with some random boy is what he needed.  
Not his normal style but then again he had never actually gone more then a year without being with someone. Maybe his style had to change up a little.

"I haven't had fun for a really long time."

"What do you class as fun?" Zayn seems generally interested. His attention fully on Matt. Which is just... Well it's making Matt's heart beat a little faster and a flush crawl up his neck but he loves it.

"I kinda enjoy what I do now. I like working here" Zayn tuts, leaning over to stub his cigarette out against the wall.

"Yes but what do you do for fun. How do you let loose." Matt silence seems to give Zayn the answer he needs.

"Dear God. Right your at uni, so you must go to parties? Get pissed and like fuck about or whatever."

"I don't really have time?" He has no idea why he is saying it like it'd a question. He knows he has no time. He knows he has more important things to do. It just sounds really lame saying it out loud.  
"My uni classes can start pretty early and sometimes finish late. Then there is the studying and the essays and also my hours I have to put in here." Zayn waves his hand about like that's not a big deal.  
"Weekends Matthew. Weekend are when you party and get laid."  
"I don't do casual sex actually."Zayn's eyebrows shoot up as he scrambles to sit back up.  
"You don't do casual sex? That's what uni is about!"  
"I think you will find it's about getting an education. I just don't enjoy sex as much if I don't really like the person I'm with. Why are we talking about sex?" Zayn laughs, the sound once again smoothing over Matt.

"When did you last have sex?"

"I'm not telling you that." Zayn narrows his eyes, a smirk on his face as he states at Matt.

"Okay. Christ. A while ago."

"Be more specific." Matt huffs, face burning.

"If I tell you then you have to answer a question of mine." Zayn shrugged.

"Easy. Tell me." matt sighed loudly covering his face with his hands.

"12 months."

"Hmm, sad for you but not too bad."

"Plus another 8."

"Holy fuck dude. Do you have a dick anymore." Matt drops his hands to glare at Zayn, amusement all over his face as he laughs quietly.

"It's not my fault. There just hasn't been anyone. It's not a big thing for me anyway. I don't miss it. It's more the other stuff that comes with relationships I miss. The company and the comfort. Someone to talk to or to cook for. Hugs and kisses. I'm not a prude mind you, if I'm with someone then you know let's go wild. It's not the best part though." Zayn looks surprised, the smile slipping off his face. Matt clears his throat looming away from him.

"You owe me an answer now."

"Okay. Ask away." Zayn voice is quite and soft. Matt hates the idea of Zayn feeling sorry for him. Of him thinking Matt might be lonely.

"What is Niall to you? Why don't you like talking about him?" Zayn shifts back a little, arms folding across his chest.

"He is-" His face screws up and for a second Matt thinks he might actually be about to cry. But then his face softens again.

"He is the first person who really made me want to change. The first person who listened to me talk shit and didn't judge. My friendship with him was short but it will probably always be the best I had. He is the reason I lost control and ended up in hospital but he is also the reason I'm sat here today wanting to be better. Niall is who I want to be. He is special."

"You should talk about him more." Zayn shakes his head looking down at his hands.

"Thinking about him kinda hurts. Nobody has ever made me hurt before, not in this way. Thinking and talking about him really makes me think how much I fucked up. I'm not ready to face all the emotions that come with that." Matt reached for Zayn's hand given it a light squeeze.

"Thank you for being honest."Zayn looks down at their hands, his lips twitching before he let's go.

Xxxx

It becomes a thing after that. Zayn getting to ask Matt things and in return of an honest answer Matt gets to ask Zayn something.

Of course Zayn questions are always ridiculous things aimed to make Matt as embarrassed or annoyed as possible.

How many times a week do you wank? What do you think of? What porn do you watch? Is your mum hot? Is your dad?

But it makes Zayn laugh and Matt has discovered he is happy to answer any embarrassing and personal question if it makes Zayn laughs.

Apart from the one about his mum being hot. Zayn got a face full of grass for that one.

Zayn is still a bit of a closed book. He opens up a little about Mason before shutting down when Matt starts to push to hard. He remains tight lipped about anything Niall related.

But he talks about his parents and his childhood. He tells Matt about the first few nights he spent sleeping rough. How scared he was but how surprisingly fast he learnt to cope with it. They talk more about sexuality, because Zayn admits that sometimes he still struggles to know he is okay the way he is when it's the cause of everything. They talk about forgiveness towards his parents and himself.  
Matt even manages to get him to talk about Harry and Liam for a bit but that also gets shut down pretty quick as both of them seems to lead directly to Niall.

Matt doesn't end up going on his date on Friday. Which leads to a very angry visit from his mum Saturday morning after she has found out that sending someone to his flat really doesn't stop him from standing them up.

She storms out in a mood when Matt admits he was at the rehab Friday night doing his revision in Stanley's office so he could focus. She probably knows that he mostly just wanted to stay close to Zayn.

At some point there is a slight shift between him and Zayn.  
He could probably say they are friends.  
Sometimes, and Matt is aware its most likely just him getting to hopeful, but sometimes Zayn seem to move a little closer to him. Or he gives him this look which Matt is sure holds a little more then friendship to it.  
Sometimes he thinks he could kiss him and Zayn would let him.  
When he is laughing and his body is titled towards him, head back and all Matt would have to do is lean down just the slightest and he would be kissing him.

The fact that he can't makes him want to scream.

Zayn is his patient. He can't do anything unprofessional. It could backfire. Zayn might not want it and Matt would be reported. He can't be the person who took advantage of someone. If anything was to happen he would have to be more sure.

Currently they where both sat outside under the big oak tree at the bottom of the garden, eating lunch. Matt had brought two teas from the staff room which had sent Zayn into an outrage when he declared the staff got the better teabags. Nothing was going to make him believe they were the exact same so Matt left him to it. When he had finally settled down and started eating his lunch he started asking Matt about his childhood. A subject Matt is always happy to discuss. He loved his childhood. As overbearing as his parents can be, they gave him a really good life and endless love and support.

"I think it's nice, how you grew up." Zayn said looking down at the grape in his hand before popping it into his mouth.  
"Your mum and dad sound really loving."  
"They where. I'm sorry you didn't get that as much. You deserved so much more." Zayn lays down on his back.  
"Yeah, things happen for a reason though right? Maybe all this... Shit leads to something. You think that's possible? That it could work out in the end?"  
"I think so. What would be your perfect life?" Zayn laughs looking away.  
"I don't know. Its stupid. Something I don't think will happen." Matt moves the food out of the way before laying down on his side next to Zayn.  
"Tell me." he whispers, his fingers ghosting over Zayn's arm.  
Zayn sighs, rolling onto his side and shuffling closer to Matt.

"I want a husband, I want to marry someone who makes me laugh and is patient and understands me. I want kids, like I really want kids." a small smiles creeps onto his face as he talks his eyes getting a small glow to them.  
"I would love to be a stay at home dad. Just shower them with love and attention. Maybe do some art on the side. Just the idea of showing them all the love in the world, acceptance and kindness. I want to do what my parents couldn't. I would love all my kids equally. No matter who they decide to be or what they are good at or bad at. I would love them all the same and I would make sure they felt that. I think I could be a good dad." Matt reaches out before he can stop himself, brushing his fingers into Zayn's hair as he moves to tuck a few strands behind his ear, thumb brushing his cheek.  
"Me too. I think you could have all that. Think you could have the world if you wanted to." Zayn blushes, but he leans into Matts hand head turning slightly.  
"You don't really know me, how can you think so much of me already?" Matt moves closer, thumb brushing near Zayn's lip.  
"I know you. I see you." Zayn's eyes flutter closed, his top lip catching on Matts thumb. Matts breath catches and it takes everything he has to not kiss him.  
"I lied to you when I said I would be a dolphin." It startles a laugh out of Matt. That conversation had felt like such a long time ago. Zayn had felt like a completely different person then.  
"Why?" Zayn takes a deep breath hie hand coming up to gently curl around Matts wrist.  
"Because I wanted you to think I was a twat so you left me alone. I would actually like to be a penguin."  
"Why a penguin?" Zayn licks his lips, eyes meeting Matts.  
"They are super cute. Also they mate for life."Matt cups Zayn's cheek.  
"Well whoever gets you as their penguin will be incredibly lucky." Zayn closes his eyes, pushing his nose against Matts hand.  
"Thank you"

Xxx

"Matthew!" Matt stops in the corridor, stepping to the side so he is out of the way as Stanley jogs over to him.

"Afternoon Stanley. Is everything OK? I was just on my way to see Leah." Stanley cups Matts elbow moving him future up the hallway where it was a little quieter.

"Everything fine, i just wanted to check in and see how you were getting on with Zayn? I'm afraid my sessions with him are still very closed lipped when it comes to certain subjects." To be honest Matt had completely forgot that Stanley had asked him to talk with Zayn to begin with. His time with Zayn was so much like spending time with a friend that it didn't even feel like work anymore.

"Sorry I haven't been reporting back to you. He is doing really well, he seems to like talking to me. It's been good."Stanley smiles, patting Matt arm.

"That is good news. Maybe we should meet in my office after you have seen Leah and you can get me up to date." Matt gets an unsettling feeling in his stomach at the idea of sitting down and discussing Zayn. He didn't think Zayn would want him to tell Stanley some of the stuff he had said.

"I'm really sorry but I don't think he would want me talking to you about it. I promise I will come to you if I think you need to step in. But other then asking you to talk to him about Mason and Niall i really would rather keep the rest between me and Zayn."

"I understand. As long as your sure its going well. I know I was asking a lot of you to spend extra time with him and get him to start opening up so I really appreciate what you are doing. It's all going into your report and will look fantastic on paper." When Matt first started here that would have filled him with so much excitement. Anything to make him look better was all he wanted. Now it doesn't mean half as much as the idea they he could simply be helping Zayn.

"That's great thank you." Stanley waves a goodbye before turning and rushing down the corridor again.  
Matt hopes that will be him soon. Rushing around these corridors with a purpose.

Matt turns back round, his smile growing when he spots Zayn standing a few feet away from him.

"Hey you. Did you-"

"You have only been talking to me because you were made to?" Matts stomach drops when he notices the hurt look on Zayn's face.

"No, Zayn of course not." Zayn shakes his head, stepping back.

"Don't be a fucking liar. You are such an twat. But at least you look good on paper yeah? Fuck everything else." Zayn walks off and Matt is still trying to work out what the hell is even happening.

He overhead Stanley talking to him.

Fuck.

"Shit" Matt knows how bad it must have sounded, but surely Zayn can't think that's the only reason he has been talking to him.

He must know. How can he not know that Matt loves those moments together more then anything else. That his conversations with Zayn are the most fun he has had for months.

How can he not bloody know that Matt is mad about him.

Matt runs after Zayn, pushing past anyone who gets in his way.  
His whole body feels shaky and hot with the dread that this could be it. Zayn didn't seem the type to forgive easily and he didn't seem the type to give second chances. Not when so many people had fucked him over already.

Matt doesn't even care about how good his report is anymore. He hasn't for such a long time. All he cares about is Zayn and helping him and being there for him.

"Zayn!" He catches up to him as he is entering the corridor to his room, almost slamming the door in Matts face as he reaches him.

"Zayn please, its not what it sounded like at all." Zayn keeps walking, yanking his arm out of Matt hand when he reaches for him.

"So he didn't ask you to talk to me?"

"Yes, this is my job and you are my patient so of course he asked me too but that is not the only reason I have been spending time with you. I honestly completely forgot he even asked and I haven't told him anything personal you have told me I swear. Zayn I love spending time with you, please don't be angry with me." They have reached Zayn's room now and he opens the door still not looking at Matt.

"You're a liar Matt. I was stupid to think I could trust anyone" Matt stares in shock as Zayn steps into his room closing the door on Matt.

This was so fucking bad. Not only for the relationship he had been building with Zayn but also for his recovery. Thinking he had been betrayed again could set him back so much.

"Please let me in. You can trust me."

"Just go away!" Matt presses his forehead to the door, hands flat against the wood. He can hear Zayn shifting around inside. Pacing like he always does when he gets mad.  
He has to make this better. He can't walk away and leave Zayn like this.

"I'm not going anywhere until you talk to me about this. I would never do anything to hurt and upset you. You know that right?" Zayn doesn't answer. Not that Matt expect him too. The shuffling stops though, and Matt is sure he can feel Zayn standing just the other side of the door. He pushes his fingers into the wood until the tips turn white.

"Zayn please." Matt closes his eyes. People where walking passed him but he tried to ignore how weird he must look talking to a closed door.

"I will be honest, when he first asked me to talk to you I was excited about making my report look better. This job means a lot to me and I have been working so hard and I want it so bad. But I was also really happy to have an excuse to spend more time around you. I was already so-. " Matt sighs, hand curling into a fist.

"It stopped being about anything but you a long time ago. I forgot about the report and Stanley. I forgot I was even working half the time. I just wanted to be there for you. I swear I haven't told him anything, I just told him that I was going to be keeping things between me and you. Zayn i'm-" Matt lifts his head up, looking around the corridor at the few people walking around.

"Zayn, I can't say what I want to day to you through a door." He waits a moment. Hoping for a reply or for Zayn to open the door. Anything to let him know Zayn was listening.  
He gets nothing, other then what could possibly be the sound of Zayn's hand brushing against the door.

"Did you know I spend more hours here then I need to because I hate that I get to leave and go home to my normal life while you are still here struggling." Matt keeps his voice low, hoping nobody has stopped to listen to what's happening.

"I stood my date up. The one I told you about, that my mum set up for me. I stood him up because I spent my Friday night here in the office doing revision so I could feel close to you." His palms are starting to sweat, nerves making his blood pump to fast.

"I think about you all the time Zayn. Like all the fucking time and it's driving me crazy. I always want to be around you. Even if your in a bad mood and want to smoke a hundred cigarette and glare at me. I just want to be with you. Zayn i-" Matt pauses, taking a deep breath.

"Open the door so I can say this to your face please. I can't say it out here."

"Then don't say it." He sounds panicky. Matts sure it obvious what he is going to say, and he is fine if Zayn doesn't feel the same. He really is. He is happy to embarrass himself if it means Zayn knows the truth.

"I'm falling for you Zayn." The door clicks open. Matt nearly tumbling into the room as Zayn pulls it all the way open. His eyes are red and the fact that he is crying has Matt reaching for his face without thinking about it, swiping tears away with his thumbs.

"I told you not to say it."

"You wouldn't open the door." Zayn knocks Matt hands off him, backing away to put some space between them.

"You didn't mean it. You're only saying it to make me trust you again." He sounds unsure, almost like he is asking Matt not telling him.

"I mean it. I said it because it's true. I have feelings for you. Pretty big ones."

"But I'm a mess." He holds his hands out, a few more tears slipping from his eyes as he does.  
"I'm a mess Matt and I don't deserve anyone. Especially not you." Matt reaches for his face again, Zayn letting him gently cup it.

"Well then you're a beautiful mess. And I'm not much but you deserve the best. You deserve it all really. You don't even understand how amazing you are."Zayn sniffs, turning his face into Matts hand.

"You can't stuff like that. I'm suppose to be angry with you not crying and wanting to kiss you." Matts hearts does a extra hard thud.

"You want to kiss me?" Zayn wraps his hand around Matts wrist, fingers digging in slightly.

"I would really like it if your kissed me." Matt licks his bottom lip as he looks down at Zayn's mouth.

Its risky. Its not what he is suppose to do. He could get into so much trouble. Everything he has worked hard for since high school would be gone before he really got it. If he kissed Zayn once he knew there would be no turning back. He knew he would never be able to stop.

Was he worth the risk of losing it all?

Matt slides his hands round to the back of Zayn's head, hair soft as it brushing through his fingers.

Then he leans forward and closes the gap between them, lips pressing softly together.

Zayn let's out a sigh, and Matt breaths it in head tilting to the side as he deepens the kiss.

Its like summer and autumn all mixed in to one. Warmth spreading over his skin and beautiful colours bursting behind his closed lids. It's lazy mornings and late nights.  
Its all the good things in life wrapped up in one beautiful parcel that is Zayn Malik.

Their lips part, tongues meeting in the middle and Matt knows as soon as he gets a proper taste that this is it now. He will happily live and breath for this man for the rest of his life if he let's him. 

Matt turns them, the door thudding shut as Zayn's back collides with it.

The kiss stays slow, Matts hands still wrapped in Zayn's hair. Zayn still clutching onto his wrists finger digging in with just a little more pressure.

Nothing has felt like this.  
He would be scared nothing would ever again if he wasn't so happy with the idea of never having anything else.

He is going to fall in love and its going to be the best feeling.

Matt only breaks the kiss because he want to taste Zayn's skin. Kissing eagerly down his neck, eyes fluttering when he feels Zayn swollow beneath his lips. He didn't even know that could be sexy.

Zayn let's go of Matt's wrist, moving them to rest on his hips as he moves his head to the side to make it easier for Matt to kiss. Gently so he doesn't mark. God does he want to mark him up.

"I don't have condoms but I have lube. Sorry. I was tested at the hospital so its fine but I can give you my mouth." Zayn's knuckles brush over his dick as he goes for Matts button, and Jesus he is half hard just from kissing, the slight touch makes his hip buck up. It takes everything in him to cover Zayn's hands with his own and pull them away.

"We are just kissing, no rush OK. Keep it slow." Zayn looks confused and not for the first time Matt wants to find the person who made him this way, who gave him these thoughts, and batt the shit out of him.

"It's not about sex. Not for me anyway." Zayn looks almost childlike with how he is staring at Matt. All wide eyed and confused.

"Are you OK? Is this OK? You look lost." Zayn gives a nervous laugh, gently wriggling his hands out of Matt grip and holding them to his chest.

"Nobody has ever kissed me like that before. With no purpose other then just wanting to kiss me." Matt drags his thumb across Zayn's lips, breathing out when Zayn kisses the tip.

"If kissing you was all I got then I would be the happiest man alive I swear. I've never kissed anyone and felt that before. I really like you Zayn. A lot." Zayn smiles into Matt hand, eyes closing.

"Should have known you would be soppy."

"You really should have."

"Kiss me again." Matt has his lips to Zayn's before he has finished getting to words out, arms wrapping around Zayn's waist to bring him closer. Zayn goes soft in his grip, his own hands sliding up to Matts neck as he opens his mouth for him.

He's not sure how long they kiss for. He knows that his lips feel puffy and a little sore. He knows it would never be enough to make him stop.

Zayn taste like cigarette smoke and something that makes Matt think of Art. He doesn't think there is anyone else in the world who would have a taste quite like it.

His pager buzzing in his pocket between his and Zayn's leg is what pulls them apart in the end.

Zayn's cheeks are red, his lips wet and his eyes dazed.  
How does this man keep getting more beautiful?

"My pager." Matt says when Zayn raises an eyebrow. Followed by a 'shit' when he finally gets it out of his pocket.

"I was suppose to be with a patient. I completely forgot. You turn my brain to mush." Zayn looks quite proud about that as Matt steps away from him attempting to flatten his hair down and hide the fact that he is slightly more then half hard the best he can.

"I'm sorry I have to rush off. I want to stay."

"Hey no its cool. You are working. I'm fine. I'm sorry about getting angry with you then. I should have known you were being honest." Matt kisses him again. Short and sweet even though stopping is the hardest thing.

"It's fine. At least it led to this." He tugs at Zayn's lower lips,. Laughing when Zayn gives him an annoyed look and bashes his hand away.

"Go. Before they come looking for you. This has be stay between us right?" Matt winces at that because he feels like a jerk putting Zayn in this position once again.

"Yeah. But only while you're my patient. Once you're out we can do and say whatever you want. If you want anything. This doesn't have to be a thing or it could be I just want to do what's best for you."

"Matt shut up. It can be a thing. I really like you too. Feel free to come kiss me anytime you want." Matt smiles, brushing his nose with Zayn's.

"Okay. I will. You're super beautiful by the way." Zayn laughs, hitting his shoulder gently.

"Go."

"Okay. Okay I'm going." Zayn steps away from the door, opening it for Matt. It's hard to leave. When Zayn is smiling bigger then he has seen before. It's event harder to leave because he now knows what it's like to kiss him and walking away from that is hard as hell.

"Wait."Matt stops just outside the door, leaning the top half of his body back in.  
"Why do you have lube?" Zayn rolls his eyes, pushing the door against Matt slowly.

"Why do you think? Got to treat myself once in a while Matthew."

Matt never claimed to be very strong willed so if he goes home and wanks himself into oblivion over the thoughts of Zayn spread out on his bed with his finger buried in his own arse who can blame him?

Xxxxx

They don't actually kiss anymore after that. Partly because Matts uni professor was a dick and gave them all a load of practice exams to work through. Mostly because Matt was terrified of being caught.  
Kissing Zayn while he was staying at the centre was just to risky.  
Zayn seemed to be pretty understanding about it and wasn't pushing for anything to happen.

Things where still different. Zayn always sat closer to him. Smiled in his direction more and just generally seemed a lot happier in himself.

He had even walked passed the Rec room a few times and spotted Zayn inside joining in with the group activities, talking with other patients.

The way he was socially changed a lot actually, Matt finding Zayn spending more of his free time with a couple of people.

Even Stanley had noticed the change in him, saying Zayn had been starting to open up to him more, seeming quite keen to talk things though so he can start working through it all.

Its good. It's amazing actually. They shouldn't be doing whatever they are doing but if it's doing this much positive things for Zayn then it's nothing but good.

"Chocolate Bar? I think I just jizzed my pants." Matt kicked his shoes off before falling onto Zayn's bed and rolling onto his back, grinning at Zayn as he switches the bathroom light off.

"You look cute in your jimmy jammys." Zayn laughs, crawling onto the bed making grabby hands towards the chocolate bars.

"My granny used to call pyjamas that." Matt hands the bar to Zayn watching him as he puffs his pillow.

"Were you close to her?"

"I guess so?" Zayn flops down next to Matt, tucking his feet under Matts legs. "We used to go to hers for Christmas and special occasions. She always got us pretty cool gifts and she was an amazing cook. I'm a vegetarian and she would make this amazing nut roast just for me, I used to pig out so much. She died a year ago."

"I'm sorry." Zayn shrugs ripping open the wrapper of his chocolate.

"It's fine. My parents stopped taking us there after I told them I was gay. I think my mum was scared she would find out. So I hadn't seen her for such a long time anyway. Pretty sure she died thinking I was a well loved straight A student who my parents couldn't have been prouder of. I'm glad she thought that of me. " This is what scared Matt the most. How matter of fact Zayn was about everything. Like it was normal. It was gut wrenching and honestly Matt had no idea how he was going to face Zayn's parents without telling them exactly what he thought.

"What was it like after that? Christmas at home." Zayn finishes his chocolate before he answers. Scrunching up the wrapper and throwing it towards the small bin in the corner of his room. He misses and let out a sigh before turning onto his side and resting his head on Matt's chest. Matt instantly placing one hand into his hair and another on his back, rubbing it in a smoothing circle. 

"The first year was not so bad. I um- my sister got the dance shoes she really wanted and I always pretended to hate her for being so perfect to them but I was pretty stoked for her."

"What did you get?"

"A roof over my head for the day and night. A hot shower. A home cooked meal. Although she didn't make a nut roast like my Granny but I got to eat the roast potato's and all the trimmings." Matt presses his face onto Zayn hair, breathing him in as the dark strands tickled at his face.

"What about the other times?" Zayn starting playing with the buttons on Matt shirt, breath coming out a little shaky.

"They were a bit different."

"In what way?"

"In the way that I watched them though the window, while I tried to work out if I was going to freeze to death in the night because everyone I could go to for help was away enjoying their Christmas time and I was just left to find some park bench or ally to sleep in." Matt closes his eyes tight, biting the inside of his mouth to stop himself from crying.

"I'm sorry you had to go though all of that. I wish I could go back and change it all for you." Matt starts slowly running his fingers though Zayn's hair, chin pressed to the side of his head.  
"If I could go back in time I would find you. Take you home and wrap you up like a little burrito all safe and warm." Zayn laughs quietly, turning his face into Matts chest more.  
"Take such good care of you. Make sure you knew how beautiful, kind, talented and amazing you are." Zayn sighs, wiggling out of Matts arms.

"I'm sleepy. I'm gonna go brush my teeth. Will you stay with me until I fall asleep?" Matt nods, smiling as Zayn rolls off the bed.

"Would love to." Zayn stretches, sending Matt a wink before going into the bathroom. Matt gets under the blanket, arranging the pillow how he knows Zayn like it while he waited for him to come back.

Zayn comes shuffling back in, jumping onto the bed and quickly getting under the blanket with Matt.

Matt waits until he has settled, face squashed against the pillow and eyes closed. He kisses his cheeks then lays his head close to his.

"Tell me what your family would do over Christmas." Matt searches for Zayn's hand, curling their fingers together when he does.

"Nothing to exciting." Honestly Matt just felt guilty. Christmas with his family had always been his favourite time of the year. He wonders if it will always feel a little tainted now. Knowing how much he enjoyed the last two. Laughing and feeling so loved while Zayn was somewhere in the same city freezing cold and alone.

"Just tell me. Wanna fall asleep hearing your voice." Zayn throws a leg over Matt waist, letting out a slow, sleepy breath.

"We have quite a big family Christmas. Everyone goes to my parents house on Christmas eve. My grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. There are a lot of us. Christmas eve we always plays games and ate too much chocolate and put the gifts under the tree. Christmas day is just madness. Some of my cousins are still quite young so there is wrapping paper and toys everywhere and one of my aunt make the most amazing bread and butter pudding. Then we go for a walk before we all help mum cook Christmas Dinner. You should see the table she sets its so ridiculous, like the bloody Queen is coming- Matt cuts off with a laugh when Zayn let's put a snore, hand going limp in his. Matt brushes the hair off his forehead, leaving a kiss there before carefully sliding off the bed.

He slides his shoes back on, looking once more at Zayn fast asleep, looking peaceful and more relaxed then he ever manages to look when he is awake.

Like always he feels like he left a small part of himself behind as he shuts the door and walks away.

Xxxxx

"I think I would like to change the way I done high-school. I don't feel like I got the proper high school experience." Matt and Zayn are laying out in the garden, under the oak tree once again. Zayn's lunch is sat next to him, ignored like it often was. Today Matt was surprised to find him wearing a black loose tank top. It's not like he has not seen Zayn's arm before, but normally he would wear something with long sleeves so he could keep his track marks covered as much as possible. A tank top showing off all his arms and also giving him a good eyeful of his collarbone was a little distracting. The few tattoos he had were a little distracting also.

"Hate to break it to you but no high school experience is normal." Zayn flops onto his stomach, chin resting in his hands as he looks at Matt.

"What were you like?"

"I think people found me weird. I always knew what I wanted to do so I just stayed focused. I didn't have time for friends and stuff. I figure I can have all that once I am where I want to be. I was a complete nerd " Zayn reaches out to wrap his fingers around Matt's tie, a small smirk on his face.

"I kinda like nerds. Something super hot about them."

"I am the biggest nerd. Nerdy pants me." Zayn laughs tugging on his tie.

"How come you where always so sure about what you wanted to do?" Matt takes Zayn's hand, gently taking it away from his tie and placing it on the ground next to him. Mindful of how careful they had to be around each other in public. He was still not sure what they were to each other. They were stuck in this weird sort of limbo while Zayn was still here so technically he was doing nothing wrong, but if they where seen being to close and affectionate it would bring up a load of questions that Matt did not want to answer. Zayn's smile falls a little and he looks away from Matt and down to his hand. Matt looks up at the sky, squinting slightly yin the sun to avoid the disappointed look on his face.

"I grew up in a household that was really effected by addiction." Matt doesn't look back at Zayn but he can fee his eyes suddenly burning into the side of his face.

"Who?"

"My Grandad. Mum's Dad. He suffered from depression since before she was born. That turned into alcoholism then by the time my mum was ten he was on all sorts of drugs. She spent all her time taking care of him. She gave up everything. When she met my dad and moved in with him my Gran had already divorced him so she felt too bad to leave him so he came with her. He didn't die until i was fifteen so I got to see some really bad stuff." Matt lets out a breath finally turning to face Zayn. He slides his hand across the grass, touching the tips of his fingers with Matts.

"I always remember something she said when I was about eleven. That if he had known it was okay to talk about his feelings and his thoughts. If he was not embarrassed or too stubborn to just admit he needed help instead of staying silent because he was a man and men don't talk about their weaknesses then he might have got better, her life might have been so different. It was not always bad. Sometimes we felt like a normal family but then other times she would be lost for a bit. That's how I used to refer to those times. The times mum was lost. He would shout so much and break things and I would not see her for days sometimes. It was just me and Dad and mum would just be a shadow." Zayn curls his fingers around Matt's, shuffling his body to the side to hide their hands from view.

"So I decided I wanted to be someone who could help. Someone people could go to, to talk about whatever they need to talk about. People who are struggling themselves or people who are struggling to cope with other people. It's just I know how much it sucks, so I could be good at helping. I know I could be. I want to help." Matt clears his throat, suddenly feeling emotional.

"Anyway, what about you? Did you know what you wanted to do?" Zayn stares at him for a moment,but seems to accepts that Matt wants to not talk about it anymore.

"I always knew I wouldn't go to collage. I knew I could get the grades if i wanted too and that it could help me get away from a lot but it made me feel unsettled thinking about it. Its not right for me. Classrooms and deadlines and all the things that come with it. Art though, I always knew art was a love for me. I just want to create things all the time. I love giving someone something, bringing their ideas to life for them. And I love doing it just for fun for myself. I'm always thinking of what I can do next or what I can do to improve what I have already done. Its just- It's my happy place. It's helped me a lot. I know its not a proper goal in life. It's not going to get me anywhere." Matt sits up, hands slipping from Zayn's.

"No. No Zayn, you can do that." Zayn pushes himself up to his knees, hands resting in his lap as he shakes his head.  
"I dunno. Mas- I was always told if you didn't go to collage then it's supermarkets and waiting jobs only." Matt rolls his eyes at that.

"Some people are just small minded. Plus we have the Internet now, social media does a lot for us if used correctly. You don't need degrees or whatever, just put yourself out there, advertise yourself. If people see what you can do they won't care that you didn't sit in a stuffy classroom for hours a day being taught what you can already do so well." Zayn draws his knees up to his chest, head tilting to the side as he thinks.

"You think I could do that?"

"Without a doubt. If you wanted to that is. It would be something that could give you really good focus once you go home. You would just need to put a portfolio together and then make some accounts online. It might take some time but if you do it right then you can get wherever you want to be. I defiantly believe in you."

"Nobody has ever said that to me before." Matt places his hand on Zayn's cheek, heart skipping when Zayn leans int the touch his eyes fluttering closed.

"You are capable of so many great things. We just have to get you to see that."

xxxxx

It become routine for Matt to sneak into Zayn's room when his shift ends, arms full of snacks from the staff vending machine. He was sure Zayn was always more excited to see the food more then him.

"Fuck yes cheese puffs! Oh my god this is the best thing to happen today." He stares at the bag with a dreamy look on his face, while scooping the other packets towards him. "I love you." Matt laughs, kicking his shoes off as Zayn kisses the bag.

"Should I leave you and the food alone?"

"Yes always." Matt picks up a packet of biscuits throwing them at Zayn's face before sitting crossed legged in front of him.

"How has your day been? Sorry I had to be in the office for my shift." Zayn rips open the cheese puffs shoving his hand straight in and grabbing a handful.

"Dull." He shoves them into his mouth, crunching loudly. "I went to a group session this morning then I tried yoga." Matt gasps, leaning forward as he wipes some orange powder from the corner of Zayn's mouth.  
"I know shocking right. I'm never doing it again, I have never needed a fag so much in my life after. Then I spent the afternoon with Stanley. How was uni this morning?" Matt picks some sweets, using his teeth to open them before answering.  
"Not to bad. Everyone is getting pretty stressed about the exams coming up so it all feels a bit tense at the moment. I'm glad to get out and come here to be honest."

"When you graduate will you be a doctor like Stanley?"

"Nope. He was an actual doctor until he got married. I will just be me still. Hopefully a fully employed version."

"Of course you will be employed. You are super cute." Zayn snatches the bag of sweets from Matt, dodging his hand as he slaps out at him.

"You think I'm cute?" Zayn raises an eyebrows taking some sweets from the bag before throwing it back on his lap.

"Course I do. Cute and pretty sexy."Matt smiles, feeling his cheeks heat up as he leans back on his hands.

"Yeah?"

"Yep. Now stop fishing for compliments. Did you bring fizzy?" Matt gets off the bed to grab the cans of cola he left by the door, throwing one towards him.

"So when did you realise you could draw?" Zayn pops the can open, taking large mouthfuls his free hand diving back into the bag of cheese puffs. Matt wonders if it means he is too gone for him if he enjoys seeing him eat like a pig as much as he does.

"It's something I have always done and loved, not just drawing and painting but anything that involves making things. I guess I was about twelve when I realised I might be more then just good at it. That sounds big headed but you know fuck it, its probably the only thing I'm really good at so I'm going to own it. I'm fucking good." Matt nods in agreement, offering Zayn a biscuit before taking one for himself.

"You should own it. I've seen what you can do and it's beautiful. By the way you are going to have so many crumbs in your bed tonight." Zayn shrugs guzzling some of his drink.

"It's alright. I will just eat them as a midnight snack."

"You animal." Zayn throws a cheese puff at his head, then reaches across to wipe away the powder left on his forehead.

"How did you get your tattoos? And when?"

"Is this question time?"

"Yes. I have many. I want to know as much about you as possible."

"Why?"

"Because I think knowing you would be kind of wonderful." Zayn looks shocked. Hand pauses halfway to his mouth. It makes Matt feel so sad for him. That Zayn is surprised that someone might want to know him.

He has idea how special he is. How much everyone else is missing out on by not knowing him.

Zayn suddenly pushes the food away from his lap, brushing his fingers on his jeans as he shuffles closer to Matt.

"One of the boys who done runs with me, his older brother was a tattoo artist and he taught him to do it too. We would steal his kit sometimes and tattoo each other. I was fifteen when I got my first."

"Is that how you got into drugs? Running for people?"

"Yep. Sometimes they would pay us with drugs, mostly Ecstasy. I needed money pretty badly so I used to sell them on to people but things just kept getting shittier and everyone who was taking them just looked free. So eventually I started taking them. I just thought what the hell, what's the worse that can happen." Zayn laughs, short and bitter, looking down as he started tugging at the duvet.

"It happened so quickly and just got so put of control you know? Before I knew it I was being taught how to do a line without feeling like my head was going to blow up too badly and injecting myself with god knows what shit was handed to me. And now I'm here."

"Exactly Zayn. Now you are here. You have come so far baby." Zayn's eyes soften at the pet name, cheeks tinting red.

"You should be so proud of yourself. You have come so far."

"I'm not so sure about that. I think about it all the time. I have a long way to go." Matt takes Zayn's hand, tugging him until he crawls into Matts lap, arms wrapping around his neck.

"But you are going to do it and that's all that matters. You are going to do this."

Xxxxxxx

Matt is heading indoors with one of his other patients when he spots Zayn coming out of another door clearly upset.

"Nellie, do you mind if I just rush off? Will you be OK the rest of the way."

"Yeah, thanks Matt." Matt waits until she is up the steps and the door has shut behind her before he rushes across the grass towards the smoking area where Zayn had vanished too.

When he get there Zayn is struggling to light cigarette and he is crying.

"Love, what's wrong?"

"I am so fucking fed up with crying and fucking talking. This is why I don't open up to people. It shit. Its all so fucking shit and i don't want anyone to know anymore because you all fucking twist it and make it all so fucked up." Zayn's hands are shaking as his thumb frantically works over his lighter. Matt takes it from him, lighting the cigarette.

"Tell me what's happened please?"

"I just had a session with Stanley." Zayn crouch a down, so Matt does the same his hands resting on Zayn's knees.

"How did it go?" Zayn takes a moment to collect himself, wiping at his nose and eyes with the back of his hand and taking a few long drags of his cigarette not even bothering to blow it away from Matt like he normally would.

"We talked about Mason." Zayn take a deep breath, pushing the heel of his hand into his eyes and he breaths out slowly. Matt waits taking his hand and stroking his thumb across his skin as he does this a few times. He eventually drops his hands looking straight into Matt eyes.

"He used me didn't he? I'm just like the others? I was... Stanley thinks I was groomed. Was I?"  
Matt kisses his hand, holding it against his lips.  
"I think so baby yes. But it's OK" Zayn drops his head, sniffing and wiping at his eyes again.  
"I'm so stupid."

"No, you were sad and alone. You were a kid." Zayn shakes his head, yanking his hand out of Matts as he stands back up walking away from him a little.

"I was fucking stupid. And I can't believe- it's like the small bit of good I thought I had is just gone and I can't believe I'm that stupid fucking idiot that thought they were different when all it comes down to was that he saw I was weak and I was just another kid for him to manipulate into bed."

"Zayn you can't think of it like that. You're the innocent one in this." Zayn spins around throwing his cigarette to the floor and stomping on it hard.

"You know he only used to fuck me when I was off my face? He said it made it feel better for me. That it would be so good and I would be so happy. And I listened. I believed. Why do you think he done that?" Matt doesn't answer. He doesn't want to. He doesn't really know why and he can't put ideas into Zayn's head and make this worse.

"Why did he make sure I was high before he fucked me Matt?" Matt closed his eyes, wishing more then anything they he was in on Zayn session today. So he could have controlled this more. So he knew what Stanley said and how Zayn came to this realisation suddenly.

"Because he was protecting himself." When Matt opens his eyes again Zayn looks angry. More angry then Matt has seen him before.

"Because if I decided to tell someone they would just see a messed up kid on drugs looking for attention. Some stupid fucking fucked up kid. And they would be fucking right. I was-I am so fucking stupid." He tugs his hair, starting to pace back and forward.  
" Zayn-"  
"I wouldn't have even told anyone. He could fucked me anyway he wanted and I wouldn't have told anyone because I thought it meant something. The policed came round, just after he was arrested. Even then, when I found out he was fucking children I didn't tell anyone. And the way they all looked at me, like they knew I was protecting some sick disgusting paedophile. I fucking protected that piece of shit. Because he took care of me so I wanted to help. I should have told them. They had all worked it out anyway. Probably had a right laugh about it. Fuck!"

Matt stays quite, his own tears burning at his eyes as he watched Zayn pace and process everything.

"I was one of those kids Matt." His voice breaks and suddenly he turns and rushes towards Matt, arm wrapping tight around his waist. Matt holds him back just as tight holding his face to his chest as he let out a sob.

"You were baby. But it's going to be okay. You are going to get through this. We will get you through this."

"I just want to forget. I want to take something, anything, and I just want to forget."Matt holds him even tighter whispering anything he can think of to comfort him as he cries.

Xxxxx

Stanley comes into the staff room as Matt is putting his bag and phone into his locker.

"Is everything OK?" Stanley leaves against the locker next to Matts, looking tired and stressed.

"I got called in last night. Zayn had a bad time. I think I pushed him too hard yesterday. I thought he was up to it. He seemed to be doing so well." Matt closed his locker trying to not look more worried then he should.

"What happened?"

"A member of staff went in to his room during the night checks and he attacked them. They had to get security in and sedate him. I stayed with him most the night."

"You could have called me." He doesn't mean to but he snaps the words out, heading towards the door desperate to get to Zayn.

"He settled. There was no reason too." Stanley follows him.  
"He is still in bed now. Nobody can get him out. He won't talk, drink or eat. I don't think he has even moved. I think we just need to give him the day to let some things sink in." Matt turns the opposite way to Stanley, who wa expecting him to follow him to the office. There was no way he could go about his normal jobs without checking Zayn first.

"Matthew. Where are you going?"

"To see Zayn."

"There is no point right now. We have other patients to see."

"I'm seeing Zayn." Stanley doesn't say anything else, just let's Matt go without a fuss. Which he is thankful for considering he really didn't want to have to shout at his mentor.

When he reaches Zayn's room a member of staff is coming out with a tray with his uneaten breakfast on it. She sees him coming and holds the door for him, giving him a sad smile as he passes.

Zayn's room feels stuffy when he goes in and it's dark. Matt switches the lamp on first before crossing over to the bed and dropping to his knees.

Zayn is laying on his stomach with his head turned away from Matt, arms curled under the pillow.

He doesn't move or show sign that he knows Matt has come into the room.

"Love. Can you look at me?" He gest nothing, but Zayn doesn't move away from him when he starts to move his fingers through his hair. Slightly greasy and knotted from laying in bed for so long.

"Baby, what can i do?" Matt lays his head on the bed, his free hand sliding under the pillow to cover Zayn's. He doesn't try anything else. Just sits by him and holds his hand. He can tell he is awake by the way he is breathing but if he doesn't want to talk he is not going to push him.

He needs to let him take as much time as he needs.

He remembers this with his Grandad. Sometimes he would go looking for his mum in his room and she would just be sitting there holding his hand while he stared into space. Sometimes she would speak to him. Random things, memories, sometimes about Matt.

Because no matter what he went through his Grandad did love him. Sometimes he even put a smile on his face.

"You know, when I was eleven my cousin was staying over because his mum and dad just got married and were on their honeymoon. My dad's sister. I was so excited because I thought it would be like having an older brother for a week. I had so many plans. Movies to watch, comics to read together and pranks to play on my dad. I thought he would show me cool music and let me use his phone, because I still wasn't allowed one and that sucked. I even thought we would play murder in the dark. Did you ever play that? Where you turn off all lights and hide and someone comes to find you?"Matt pauses, just in case.

"I spent the day before looking for some cool hiding places convinced he would find me super cool when he couldn't find me." Matt gets up from the floor to sit on the edge of the mattress.

"Turns out sixteen year old don't do all that stuff. He hardly came out of his room. He smelt funny. He kept calling me squirt. Pretty sure I heard him wanking a few times. Anyway, I was really upset and went into my Granddads room because my mum was in there changing his bed and I moaned to her for ages. I even cried. I was not a cool eleven year old. A few hours later my mum comes out and tells my cousin that Grandad wants to talk to him. My cousins were not as used to him and me so he proper shit himself. Turns out my Grandad torn into him for being so mean to him and the rest of the week he done loads with me. Even took me out for a milkshake. It was super cool." Matt brings his legs up onto the bed, leaning over until he can see Zayn's face. His eyes are open, staring at the wall in front of him, but they are blank. Unseeing.  
His nose is red from crying, his eyes puffy.

"Just don't forget how strong your are Zayn. There will be things that might knock you down. Things that will be hard to face. You just have to remember how far you have come and how badly you want this. I'm so proud of you and these bad days are okay. It's okay to feel like this. You are not alone anymore. We will help you get back up again and you will be okay." Fresh tears fall from Zayn's eyes, his chin wobbling slightly. Matt leans down, pressing a kiss to his cheek, his tears salty against his lips.

"I'm going to get Stanley. Tell him to come back and see you again." Matt goes to stand but Zayn suddenly grips his hand tugging him back down onto the bed.  
"Keep talking please." Matt let's out a small sigh of relief, laying down and hugging Zayn to him.

"I think about you all the time." Matt pushes his face into the back of Zayn's neck, breathing in the smell of his skin mixed with sweat and bed.  
"Always on my mind. Last and first thing I think about each day. I told my mum about you. Cause I had to tell someone. I've never looked at anyone before and just known they would be something more to me. The more I get to know about you the more I feel. Its going to be so good when you are home. Going to take you on dates and kiss you and hold your hand. Going to share all the things I love with you."

"I'm not worth all this." His voice sounds so empty. Matt hates the idea of him feeling this way. Empty himself.

"All what darling?"

"This place. You. You're wasting your time. I'm going to leave this place and the first thing i will do is find a way to get high. You understand that right? This place and you will not be enough to change me for good." Matt holds him tighter, leg sliding between his.

"But you are enough. You don't feel it now but you are going to be strong and you are going to do so good for yourself Zayn. There will be bad days but I will be right there for them all."

"What if I don't want you to be. What if I would rather the drugs. What if they make me happier then you ever could." Matt pushes away the hurt. This is what will happen. He will have days that are hard and he will want to push away the people that want to help. He is protecting himself. People have hurt him and he just wants to protect himself. It's Matt's job now to make sure he understands he will never be paused away.

"I'm willing to try. I plan to put up quite the fight for you."

"I just not worth it." Matt gently cradles Zayn's face, pulling his head round to face him, Zayn letting him.

"You are worth it all. The moon, the stars and the sun." He kisses Zayn's cheek, thumb brushing over his lip.

"I'm never turning my back on you. You can push and push but I will be pushing back twice as hard. The life you deserve is right here baby, you got it, you earned it back and together we will keep it. Everything you want, that dream life of yours, you are getting it. I'm going to make sure you never have to give it up." Zayn looks up at him, eyes wet.

"You really think so? It's going to be okay?"

"It's going to be hard but it's going to be more then okay. It's going to be perfect. Just like you." Zayn closes his eyes, the tears slipping between his lids as he curls his body into Matts and once again cries into his chest.

Xxxxxxxx

"What you are asking for is risky. How do I know this won't backfire tremendously and ruin everything."

"You don't know that. I don't know that, but I think it will do him the world of good. He is going crazy Stanley. Its the same thing everyday and if we don't give him something then he will just give up. I think showing him some trust will make him see how well he is doing. Just for today. A few hours." Stanley leans back in his chair, hands clasped behind his head as he stares across at Matt.

"Why do you want to do this?"

"I just want to help him. He needs this. I promise I will be with him the whole time. I won't leave his side." Stanley still looks unsure, so Matt holds his hands together and gives him his best smile.

"I'm not sure I agree with you but technically I can't stop you. He came here on his own accord so we don't have the right to stop him from walking out the door. Just please make sure your not making a massive mistake. He has come a long way do not mess this up for him."

"I won't!" Matt pulls the door open, grinning from ear to ear.  
"You will see a difference I promise. I will send him straight to you for a session and I bet you anything he will be easy to talk to. Thank you!" Matt leaves, practically running to Zayn's room.

His door is wide open when he gets there and he is laying across his bed with a book. He is wearing black skinny jeans they make his legs look long and lean and a big grey jumper that makes him look so soft. Such a mixture of man and boy that Matt can't help but lean against the door frame and just watch him for a bit. He hasn't noticed Matt, lost in his book, eye flicking across the page. Matt tilts his head to the side to see the cover.

"Karin Slaughter, I love her." Zayn startles, letting out a breathy laugh as he marks the page.

"Yeah well, I thought i would explore the library. Never heard of her before but she got my hooked. Sara is a bad ass."Matt nods his agreement stepping into the room, hands sliding into the back pocket of his trousers.

" How do you feel about getting out of here? Me and you hitting the town. "

"Hitting the-what are you on about."

"It's a lovely day. You are out of bed and looking beautiful. We are leaving and going into the city and spending some time doing normal things together. We can eat and walk and just be us." Zayn places his book by his pillow, pushing himself up onto his knees looking confused.

"I can do that?" Matt spots Zayn's red converse laying by the bed so he bends down to pick them up, carefully throwing them onto the bed next to Zayn's legs.

"Yep. I just spoke to Stanley. I did say you would go talk with him once we get back. Worth it though right? To get to go out with me." Zayn grabs his shoes, wiggling to the end of the bed to start putting them on.

"That sounds amazing actually. Getting out of this place, and spending time with you doing normal people things. It's not a date though." Matt pouts, bending down to his knees to help Zayn with his laces.

"Okay, can I ask why?"

"Because I don't want to look back on our first date and be reminded of that time I was in rehab thanks." Matt looks up to make eye contact with him, fingers still working the lace of his show.

"But we will have a first date? Eventually." Zayn bites his lip, eyes roaming Matts face before he nods, teeth releasing his lip as he smiles.

"Oh for sure. If you don't ask me the very second I leave this place then I will probably say no. So remember that." Matt laughs, tapping Zayn's foot of his knee before grabbing the other.

"Will do sir. Now come on you are laced up and good to go. Did I mention you look beautiful" Zayn leans down until his forehead is resting on the top of Matt's head, his breath ghosting through his hair as he let out a breath.

"You did. Thank you. You look handsome. Love you in your work clothes." Matt closes his eyes, enjoying have Zayn close to him. It's still a bit surreal to him. Sometimes he is sure he can still feel Zayn's lips against his. The burn of the touch still there. Its the only thing that's making it possible to not mess this whole thing up and kiss him again.

"I spoke to Stanley yesterday about my progress. He thinks if I carry on like I am now I could be good to be at home in a few weeks."

"That's good. Are you going to be staying with your parents?" Zayn lifted his head up, gently pushing Matt away from him so he could stand.

"It's the best option I think. Until I feel up to being on my own. Then I guess I will have to find a job and someplace to stay. Stanley said there are some programs that I can join that help get people independent." Matt stands up, wrapping his arms around Zayn's waist from behind, his chin resting on his shoulder.

"I can help with that. Getting you into programs and stuff. I can help you look for jobs too. You will let me help yeah?" Zayn turns his head, his nose brushing Matt cheek.

"I will. It might be fun. I want to get it right."

"And you will. Even if you don't then we will try again. Now come on. We only have a few hours let's not waste them standing in here. Let's get you out." Matt steps back, tugging on the sleeve of Zayn's jumpers.

"Are you sure I can leave?"

"Yes. Do you really think I would be doing this if I had not got permission?" Zayn went easily with Matts tugs, grabbing his cigarettes as he passed.

"No I guess not."Matt let's go of his sleeve once they are out in the hallway, Zayn keeping a bit of distance between them as they walk towards the reception area.

Matt has to scan his ID to get into the main reception, the lady behind the desk looking up as the door clicked shut behind them.

"Hey, I'm signing Zayn Malik out for the day. Doctor Middles patient. There should be a note on his file." Zayn fidgeted next to Matt as she started clicking on the keyboards looking Zayn up in the system.

"You good?" Zayn nods, tugging at his jumper as he looked around.

"Just feel weird." A piece of paper is shoved under Matts face for him to sign and then both of them sign out in the log book.

"Doctor Middles has requested Mr Malik be back by four for a session." Matt grinned, sliding the book back.

"Perfect, thank you" It was more then perfect. It gave him five hours to enjoy Zayn in the outside world.

Zayn looks hesitate as he steps outside into the car park.

"You want to tell me what your thinking." Zayn let's out a long breath, hand pushing through his hair.

"I'm thinking that I really hope that car is not yours." Zayn points towards a rust bucket of a car, face twisting into a grimace. Matt laughs, nudging him with his hip.

"Nope, real answer please."Zayn drops his hand, looking down at his feet.

" What if its too much. Do you know how easy it would be to just slip away from you. I'd be lost in the crowd in seconds Matt. I would be at the door of someone I know who would would happily put drugs in my hand within half an hour." Matt clicks his tongue against his teeth rocking back on the heel of his shoe.

"It could be too much and yes you could do that. I think I trust you enough to tell me if it's heading that way so I can get you back here. You have to do it eventually love. Best to have a go at it now and see how you do. I think you will be surprised with how far you have come. And this is my car." Matt takes his car keys out, pressing the key fob.

Zayn raises his eyebrows walking slowly over to the car they had lit up.

" Umm.. " He walks round the the passenger side letting out a laugh." How much do they pay interns now? Enough for a BMW apparently." Zayn crouches down, disappearing. Matt could still hear him muttering to himself, feet scrapping across the concrete.

"7 series right?"

"Yep." This is why he hates having this car, it makes him feel like a dickhead.

"Dude seriously-" Zayn pops back up again, eyes wide. "How much are they paying you cause this is like, what twenty grand?" Matt wines, walking over to his car.

"My dad has made some very wise business choices so... surprise."Matt holds his hand out, fingers stretched wide, his car keys hanging.  
"I'm a spoilt rich kids. Go me."

"You're rich?" Zayn runs his hand over the hood of the car, somehow managing to look uninterested and bored but also impressed.

"Well not really. Personally no. But yes. I happen to have quite a bit of money. I don't really like people to know. My dad got the car when I got into uni and I felt too bad to tell him it was a bit to flashy for a student. Oh god can we stop talking about it now." Zayn just sighs, taking a deep breath as he opens the door.

"I can't decide if I want to suck your dick now or later." Matt let's out a startled laugh which turns into a groan as he rests his body on the car.

"If I could I would say both." Zayn sends him a wink before bending down and getting inside. Matt takes a moment to get rid of the imagine he has of Zayn on his knees, mouth tight around his cock, then gets in too.

Zayn is pressing buttons and flicking switches the second Matt starts the engine, turning the music up loud.

"A nice car, money in the bank and a twenty one pilots fan. We gonna get married Matthew." Matt laughs, turning the volume down as he pulls out of the car park.

"Careful I might take that as a promise. Where do you want to go?" Zayn shoulders raise in a shrug, his head turning to look out the window.

"I don't care man. I'm just glad to be out for a bit. It's a little scary but I feel like I've been in prison so also nice. You choose. Take me somewhere you like to go." Matts rumbling belly makes the decision for him and he starts heading towards the part of the city that holds his favourite place to eat.

Zayn relaxes back in the seat, finger tapping along to the music his head bobbing side to side slightly. Matt glances at him whenever he can, a smile tugging his lips up. It feels so normal. It's way too nice. Matt could definitely get used to it.

He reaches across to place his hand on Zayn knee, the tip of his finger slipping under the small rip in his jeans to smooth over his skin. Zayn turns to him with a soft smile, his hand covering Matt's.

He could definitely, definitely get used to this.

His grip on Matts hand tightens as they get more into the main city. Matt squeezes back and talks about whatever comes to his head to keep Zayn distracted from whatever thoughts being close to home is giving him.

His face brightens when Matt pulls into the car park of the diner.

"I've never eaten here but it always smells so good."Matt let's go of Zayn's hand to unbuckle his seat belt and switch the engine off.

"It's my favourite. I come here way too much. Best burgers ever, I've never tried the veggie stuff but I am so sure it will be good." They get out the car, Matt waiting for Zayn to walk around to him before heading toward the entrance.

"How are you feeling?" Matt looks down at how close Zayn's hand is to his, suddenly feeling shy at the idea of reaching out to take it in his.

"Not to bad at the moment. I forgot that so many people could be in once place to be honest."Matt looks around at all the people and cars rushing about as he holds the door open for Zayn, the smell getting stronger making Matt stomach growl.

Thankfully it's not as busy inside, only four of the many booths taking up as Matt leads Zayn over to his favourite at the back by the window. Zayn is taking it all in, eyes shining as he sits down.

Matt can only imagine how inviting this place must look after living on nothing but hospital like food for weeks at a time.

"Have whatever you want." Zayn's attention snaps back to Matt, hands smoothing out over the menu on the table.

"I will pay you back."

"You must certainly won't. Get used to me treating you. Benefits of knowing a spoilt rich kid."

"You're not spoilt. Or at least you don't act it." Matt smiles to himself, watching Zayn scan the menus with his tongue sticking out slightly.

"What do you have?"

"Banana milkshake, bacon burger and dirty fries." Zayn looks up, eyebrows raised.

"Huh, I always pegged you for a healthy eating kinda guy. I think I will have a banana milkshake too. With a veggie burger and cheesy fries." Matt nods, sliding out of his seat to go up to the counter and order. He keeps his eye on Zayn while he is ordering. He looks a little more nervous sitting on his own. Eyes roaming around while his hands fidget and play with the cutlery and napkin on the table.

"We have a fresh batch of those melty cookies if you want some?" Matt grins at the girl serving him.

"I always want metly cookies. Is Haley cooking today?" She nods, tapping Matts order into the computer.

"Awesome, let her know its me if you can, Matty, she normally throws in a extra one." He pays then heads back to the table, throwing himself down on his chair.

"We are getting cookies too and they melt when you eat them and it's a big gooey chocolate haven so be very excited about it." Zayn chuckles, placing his cutlery and napkin back down.

"Who do you normally come here with?" Zayn holds his hand out on the table, palm up with his finger wiggling until Matt holds them in his.

"Alone mostly. Between uni and work if I have time. Come with my mum once a month, it's something we have been doing since this place opened when I was eight."

"That's cool, that she done that."

"Yeah well, she felt a bad a lot for being busy so it was a day for us." Zayn squeezed his hand, thumb brushing over his skin lightly.

"You said you told her about me. What does she know?"

"That you are my patient and I think you are super cute." Zayn sucks his bottom lip between his teeth, looking down at their hands.

"So she knows I'm a druggie."

"She knows you're a recovering addict yes."

"What does she think about the idea of us, like if we ever-" Zayn cut off unsure of how to finish his sentence. Matt leaned forward, eyes meeting Zayn's.

"The idea of us possibly being together officially one day?" Zayn nods, a blush crawling up his neck.

"She... Well she wanted to make it clear that it could be hard." Zayn wiggles his hand out of Matts grip, slumping back in his chair.

"So she wouldn't like it? If we started dating or whatever when I get home?"

"I think she will be worried but once she had met you i'm sure she will feel comfortable with it. She would find something to worry about no matter who I was with."

"She will hate me. Mum's don't like me. I fuck up a lot."

"No you don't. People fuck things up for you. Zayn you really don't have to worry about this yet. Even if she did decide she didn't like you it wouldn't change my thoughts and feelings."

"Your mum is important to you."

"She is but so are other people. She is not always the top of the food chain in my life. Sometimes she has to take a step down." Zayn still looks worried so Matt quickly takes his hands again.

"Honestly you have nothing to worry about. She will have whatever opinion she wants but she will respect my decision. Let's not even worry about it. This thing between us is new and we will go at whatever speed you want. Nothing will happen before you are ready. If the idea of you and my parents meeting worries you then we don't do it until you no longer feel like that." Zayn relaxes slightly, smiling sheepishly.

"I'm sorry I started to freak out a little. You're right, if that's going to happen it won't he for a while. Plus you have it bad too. You have to meet the parents who are pretending not to be homophobic twats." Matt snorts, rolling his eyes.

"Oh please. It's me they should be worry about. I have a habit of not keeping my mouth shut around small minded people." This makes a small smile creep up on Zayn's face.

"I will look forward to that then." Their food comes, cutting off the subject. Matt tries not to worry to much that he could be doing something that puts too much pressure on Zayn too soon. Which was why he was happy to take it slow and at Zayn's pace. The only problem is that Zayn had never had anyone really look out for his best interest so he doesn't really understand that Matt means what he says.

"This look amazing, thank you." Matt nods along with Zayn, popping a fry into his mouth.

"Thank you." Their waitress places a tub of sauce on the table then leaves them to eat in peace. Zayn grabs at his burger, groaning when he takes his first bite, eyes closing as he slowly chews.

"Oh my god. Real food. I mean no offence to the chief but the food at the centre is crap. Nice to eat something that is not dry or out of a vending machine."

"I'm glad. Knew you would like it. Once we have finished you can decide what you want to do next." Zayn looks thoughtful, taking a few more large bites of his food before wiping his mouth.

"Can you pick? I feel like a lot has been about me and what I want and how I feel and stuff from my past. Which I know is the point of want I'm doing, but I would like to know more about you. Go somewhere that shows me more about you."

"Okay. Not sure where that is though so I'm gonna have to think. My life is really sad I am literally at work, uni or home." Zayn grabs some tomato sauce squirting a dollop by the side of his fries.

"Don't you have friends?"

"I guess so. Not close friends, just people I see at Uni in my lectures. Everyone mind of got swept up in the parties and sex lifestyle so I just got left behind a little. Not that I mind." Matt picks his burger up, noting the way Zayn's face does a small twitch as he bites into it.

"Do you hate people eating meat around you?"

"Not at all. I just can't help but get a little flash of cute little cow eyes." Zayn laughs as Matt moves his burger away from his face.  
"I'm messing. Enjoy it. I don't care what people eat. Have you had many boyfriend then? With this strict lifestyles of yours?" Matt puts his food down, wiping his fingers on his napkin.

"It's not that strict, I just don't want to mess up. I have had four boyfriends, only one was serious. I have always gone for men slightly older then me, professional I guess. That always seems to backfire though. Especially if they turn out to be married." Zayn splutters, hand covering his mouth.

"Fuck. The serious one?"

"No thank god. I left the serious one actually."

"Why?"

"He didn't want to ever have kids or get married. Took him two years to tell me that." Zayn pokes at his fries, pulling a string off cheese away.

"That's a big thing for you then? Kids and marriage."

"Oh god yeah. I can't imagine not having either. Kids the most, it must be so rewarding and it's just so much love you know." Zayn smiles, throwing a fry into his mouth.

"Yeah I know. You already know I want kids so... Snap." They share a look, Matts heart jack hammering in his chest. He can suddenly see it so clearly. Zayn with kids. It's a little too much and he has to look away, swiping up his milkshake glass to distract himself.

"Where you taking me then?" Matt bites down on his straw before letting his slip from his lips.

"Only one place I can really think of for you to see more about me." Zayn tilts his head to the side, dropping the small bit of burger back onto his plates.

"Cool. Can we eat the melty cookies there?"

"We definitely can. You ready to go now?" Zayn nods wiping his hands.

"I just need to use the loo first." Matt stops at the counter to pay their bill before going into the toilets.

He let's himself panic for a second about what he was about to do, then pushes it away. Today was about doing things to make Zayn happy. He asked to see more of him. So that's what he will get.

Matt finished up, washing his hand before leaving the toilet.

The table is empty when he walks back into the restaurant, Zayn nowhere to be seen.

"Fuck." Matt rushes over to the table, frantically looking around.  
"Oh shitting fuck." If he has managed to lose Zayn and mess everything up for him then he was going to be in so much trouble. Oh god, he would be fired. Zayn would be in god knows what state before Matt even knew where to begin looking for him.

How the hell was he going to even begin to tell Stanley and Zayn's parents that he lost Zayn in the middle of the city because he went for a bloody piss.

What the hell had he been thinking just walking off an leaving Zayn alone.  
This was bad.

"You thought i had left?" Matt startles, spinning round to face Zayn who is standing with a white box in his hands.  
"That's why you look like your having a panic attack right? You thought I ran as soon as you turned your back."  
"It's not li-"  
"I was at the counter. Asking for a box for the cookies." He holds the box out, not looking at Matt as he takes the box's from him.  
"I'm sorry." Zayn shrugs, stepping back as he runs the back of his neck.  
"It's fine. Just whatever yeah."

"No it's not whatever. I told you I trusted you and then I jumped to conclusions way to quickly. I'm really sorry. I just worried about you. I trust you completely, I also care enough to worry. Please don't be angry with me." Zayn finally looks at him. He doesn't look angry. A little sad maybe, but not angry. Matt relaxes slightly, clutching the box's to his chest.

"It's fine. I'm not angry with you but we agreed if it gets too much I would tell you so you could have saved yourself the heart attack. Let's just move on now." Matt agrees, even though he thinks they should discuss it more so Zayn understands that Matt does trust him.

Zayn is quite as they leave the diner and go back to the car, taking the box back from Matt and placing it on his lap as Matt starts the engine up and pulls out of the car park.

He doesn't talk for the short car journey but when Matt reaches out for his hand he doesn't pull it away so Matt tries not to worry about it too much.

"Thanks for lunch. It was really nice." Matt smiles over at him, relived that he is finally talking.

"You're welcome. It was nice to have company there." Zayn squeezes his head, leaning to look out the window as Matt pulls into another car park, pulling into a space and switches the car off. Zayn looks around, a small frown on his face as he unbuckles his seat belt.

"Please don't get the wrong impression. I just couldn't think of anywhere else that I could take you to show you more of me." Zayn shakes his head, clutching the cookies to his chest as he looks up at the block of flats.

"No. No wrong impression. It's perfect actually. Do you have milk?"

"Yes."

"Great. Let's go have some milk and cookies." Matt takes of his seat belt, sliding the keys out of the ignition before getting out the car, Zayn doing the same.

"This is like the nice part of London. These flats are actually nice. Must cost a lot." Matt joins Zayn at the front of the car, hand ghosting his lower back as he led his towards the entrance door.

"The bonus of having no social life is that you save a load of money." Zayn seems nervous as they walk into the entrance hallway. Matt feels his own nerves start to swell in his chest. Bringing Zayn back to his flat felt slightly seedy. Like he has got him out for the day just to get him in bed. Even though he was one hundred per cent certain that it was not going to end with then in actual bed. They still had the agreement that nothing would happen between them until Zayn was done with his program and settled back home. He was just overly aware of how it would look to others if they found out this is where Matt had brought him.

"It's five floors up. Lift or stairs?"

"Lift." they cross the hallway to the lift, Zayn's hand shooting out to press the button. Matt drops his hand from his back as the doors open. Zayn glances at him before stepping in, standing in the middle of the lift. Matt presses the number five, nerves building as the doors slowly shut.

"No music. Disappointing." Matt laughs, crossing his arms over his chest as he leans against the mirrored wall.

"Never noticed before. I mostly takes the stairs. There is something a bit freaky about being stuck in a lift alone."

"It wouldn't still be scary with another person? Stuck in some small box for god knows how long." Matt shrugs, smiling at Zayn.

"Wouldn't be scary with you." Zayn blushes, looking down at his feet as his cheeks puffed out with his smile.

"Cute." Matt mumbles to himself just as the doors slide open again, revealing the hallway to Matts flat.

They walk to his door in silence, Zayn glancing around a small frown on his face when he hears the music coming from the flat before Matts.

"That's Mrs Reynolds. She is pretty old and practically deaf so she has to have stuff loud but she goes to bed at seven so it's never a problem." Zayn nods once eyes flicking to Matt's door as Matt put his key in the lock.

Matt's flat is not really anything special.  
Most his furniture he picked up from charity shops with the plan to replace once he was settled but never did.

The living room and kitchen were opened planned, a breakfast bar acting as a divided between the two rooms. Zayn slipped his shoes off, spinning slowly as he looked around.

It felt strange seeing Zayn in his home. Or maybe surreal is a better word.

Surreal to have his socked feet pad around the floor as he ran his hand over the tatty red sofa. He takes time to look at the photos nailed to the wall, head tilting to the side at the one of Matt curled around his mum both smiling wide at the camera.

He stops for a moment on the fluffy grey rug, toes curling before he moves into the kitchen, hand skimming over the surface of the breakfast bar as he looks around at the small amount of gadgets on the worktop. Mostly unused and gleaming still.

He backtracks, passing Matt as he walks around the living area again.

"Pass me the cookies. I will go put them on a plate and get that milk."His hands are shaking as he takes the box's away from Zayn and he really hopes Zayn doesn't pick up on how nervous he is.

He takes a few deep breaths as he busies himself in the kitchen.

He wonders if this is love.

If he could be in love.

This feeling.

Being able to picture so clearly Zayn here all the time. He things cluttering up the side. The smell of paint always drifting around the rooms.  
His voice. His laugh. His smell. His body wrapped in the bed sheets every night and morning.

Is that love?  
Wanting all that in his space.

When he turns back Zayn is gone.

Matt swollows the lump in his throat at he crosses the living room and walks down the hallway pass the bathroom and to his bedroom.

Zayn is spread across his bed. White bed sheets puffed up around him as he lays on his back, arms and legs stretched wide.

"Mate, this bed is the shit." Matt has to lean against the door. The sight of Zayn laying on his bed enough to knock the breath out of his for a second.

"How do you even get out of bed in the morning? I would just live here." Matt closes his eyes, dropping his head down to rub at his forehead.

"Maybe we should go somewhere else. You don't want to waste your time here." He hears the shuffling of Zayn's body on the sheets.

"Why? It's nice here. Quite. You don't want me here?" Matt shakes his head, opening his eyes but looking at the wall instead of at Zayn.

"No its not that. I just-" Matt groans, finally meeting Zayn's eyes.

"I just didn't realise how much I would like you being here. Also Its kind of hard to resist you when you are laying all across my bed like that."

"Then don't." The words fall so fast from Zayn's lips its like he didn't even have to think about them.

"You're my patient. We agreed."

"Not right now I'm not. Right now I'm just Zayn. Stop being so afraid to do the wrong thing Matt." 

"Your recovery is the main-"

"Can we just not for a second please. Can we not talk about me being a bloody patient and recovery and programs and can you stop seeing me as some delicate person just for a couple of hours." Zayn shuffles to the end if the bed, feet dropping to the carpet.

"Can we just be normal for a bit. Just two people who like each other and show it. You kissed me before. You can kiss me again. I really want to kiss you again. Its not going to send me spiralling and right now nobody can walk in on us or overhear us." Matt sighs walking closer to the bed, reaching out his hand to cup Zayn cheek. Zayn leans into the touch, wrapping his hand around Matts.

"I just want to do the best for you. You understand that don't you? Everything I do is because I want you to be happy." Zayn moves Matts hand away, pressing a kiss to his wrist before dropping it and falling onto his back. His body bounces a couple of times before settling. He reaches out for one of Matts pillows, dragging it closer to his head.

"I like laying where you sleep." Butterfly flap in Matts belly, his hand pressing against his stomach like it could do anything to help settle them.  
"Bet you look adorable in the mornings. I only get to see you all fresh and professional. Always wonder what you look like when you're just chilling or sleeping." Zayn chews on his lip, fingers spreading over the pillow.  
"You make me think things and say things that should be hard to say. What is it about you that makes talking and being honest so easy?" Matt parts his lip, but he doesn't say anything, voice stuck in his throat.  
"I feel safe with you. I feel like it's okay to be myself. I've never really had that before. I need you to understand that there is nothing you can do to stop me from trusting you with what's best for me. I trust you." Zayn moves up the bed, positioning his legs either side of Matts.

"Kiss me? Please." Matt finally let's out the breath he has been holding. His heart is beating so fast he can hear it, can feel the blood rushing around his body as he bends down pressing his hands flat into the mattress either side of Zayn's head. Zayn licks his lips, eyes dropping to Matts mouth.

"Do you think about me?" Zayn slides his hand up Matt's arms his shirt sleeve rucking up under his touch. "When you come home, do you lay here touching yourself and thinking about me." His hands move to grip at the back of Matts hair, pulling him down a little. Matt breaths in deeply, dick twitching when Zayn tugs his hair.  
"Yes." Zayn tilts his head back, neck exposed. Matt watches the bob of his throat as he swallows, the flutter of his eyelashes as he closes his eyes.

"Think about how I taste? How I feel? How good I would take you?" He lifts his head up again, eyes opening.  
"I would take you so well." Matt curses dropping his head down to rest on Zayn forehead.  
"Zayn."  
"Kiss me." Matt closes the small gap, lips sealing over Zayn's.  
They both moan Zayn's leg wrapping around Matts as his back arches off the bed. Matt keeps his body raised up, licking across Zayn's lips before parting his own to deepen the kiss, sucking Zayn tongue into his mouth.  
Zayn hums into the kiss, hands realising Matts hair to drop round to his chest, fingers working on undoing the top button.  
Matt takes his hand away, pressing it to the bed and holding it there.

Its as good as he remembers. Possibly better. Kissing Zayn makes his while body buzz. His insides jump. Goosebumps. Butterfly's. All the cheesy things he would normally roll his eyes at.

Zayn seems just as into it as he is. Free hand gripping at him, body arching to get closer, soft little moans and groans rumbling in his throat. Its hot. Knowing he is wanted just as much as he wants.

Zayn tries to pull him down, hips lifting up and rolling. Matt trails kisses down to his neck, Zayn breathing in and out heavily thorough with his nose, body shaking.

"Slow." Zayn nods quickly, turning his head to capture Matts lips back in a kiss, teeth biting down gently on his bottom lip.

Matt can't remember if he has felt like this from just kissing someone before.

He knows this is the closest to love he has been. Literally on the edge, moments from losing his balance and falling head first.  
But had someone made him feel anything like this? He doesn't even remember if he has been made as hard as he is right now just from kissing. Hard to the point that it took a lot of willpower to not just push his own trousers down and do something about it.

He's pulled from his thoughts by Zayn's hand sneaking to his belt tugging slightly at the buckle before sliding towards his dick. Matt lifts up, hands releasing his wrist as he sits up on his knees. They are both breathing heavily, Zayn's face flushed mouth swollen. Eyes dazed as he reaches out for Matt again.

"Come back. Its fine, this is what kissing is about. You don't have to play the gentleman card, I know what to do." Matt holds his hands up, eyes wide as he back away from Zayn.

"Okay one, I'm not playing the gentleman card I'm just being a decent person. Two, whoever taught you that kissing was about getting into someone's pants needs to be punched real hard in the face. And three, they also need to be castrated. Kissing is about kissing. I just want to kiss you. I'm happy to just kiss you. I'm also happy to just talk to you or just cuddle you or just be in the same room as you. I don't need more." Matts hands drop to his sides. Zayn sits up, bringing his knees up to his chest. He looks confused. Eyebrows pinched together and his mouth turned down.

"You don't want me?"

"What the- Zayn I want you, like God do I want you. I can want you and not be fucking you or anything else sexual. That's not how I am, it's not how you should expect me to be. If your into moving fast then that's fine but it seem like your-" Matt cuts off, frustrated with the situation. Frustrated for Zayn.

Matt climbs back onto the bed, sitting next to Zayn so he can pull him into his side, arms around his waist.  
"It's like your only doing it because you think it's expected of you. Like it's something you have to do rather then want. When we first kiss you thought I was going to have sex with you then didn't you." Zayn pulls away from him slightly, looking down at his fingers as he starts to twist them together. Matt can tell he is starting to close up. The subject obviously still a sensitive one for him.  
"You said nobody has ever kissed you without there being a purpose. Can you tell me more about that?"  
"I don't want a session."  
"Its not one. This is just me and you talking. I need to know where your head is at with this stuff Zayn otherwise I don't know how to be around you. I'm going to be to scared to kiss you again if that's how your going to respond every time." Zayn shrugged, straightening his legs out.

"I've only ever really kissed one person before. Mason." Matt stays quiet, waiting for Zayn to continue. He was not really surprised by the information. Even though Zayn and Mason had never been in an actual relationship, in Zayn's head they had meant something. Matt had always presumed Zayn had only been sexually active with Mason during this time. Loyal when there was nothing to be loyal too.

"Our first kiss led to sex. All our kisses led to something. So I guess it's habit. It's just what I'm used to. Kissing is like a means to an end right?"

"Kissing is the best part. Kissing is.. There are so many people out there you could have sex with and enjoy it you know. Be satisfied and happy with the experience. Kissing is different. I know I wouldn't be able to find many people out there who make me feel the way you do when we kiss. I don't know how it is for you but for me it doesn't need to lead to sex or anything else because you are already making me feel something so intense and special and good. It's a whole mind boggling, body tingling experience and its enough." Matt turns Zayn's face towards him, kissing his lips once.

"One day, when we have been doing this for a bit longer and we have dated and just been together I'm going to lay you on this very bed, slowly undress you and take you apart in every way possible." Zayn lips tremble against Matts, a puff of warm breath tickling over his face.  
"I will make it so good for you I promise. Until then you have to promise me you won't keep thinking you know what I want you to do. That you will understand that me not wanting to have sex with you now is because I care about you and your well being. That I fancy you a lot. I want you a ridiculous amount. That I have never felt so bloody turned on from just a kiss before. I'm already like you so much."

"I really like you too and I want to show you that but i guess i'm getting it all wrong"

"You don't have to show me like that. The way you have been around me has let me know. This is still so new. I don't really move that fast, I don't feel the need to." Zayn tugs at his top, mouth twisting as he turns away from Matt.

"Okay. That's cool."

"You seem sad."

"I'm not sad. Just confused."

"Can you talk to me about that?" Matt takes Zayn's hand, linking their fingers together as he presses a kiss to his knuckles.

"I guess that I'm struggling to work out how you feel about me, cause we don't kiss or touch and if we are not doing those things then how is this any different to you being my friend." Matt tucks Zayn's hair behind his ear,brushing his thumb down the side of his neck.

"Relationships start as friendship, that's not a bad thing. Do you want to put a label on this? Would that make you feel better?" Zayn shakes his head.

"I don't think I want to be boyfriends or anything. This just doesn't seem like the best time while I'm going though all this. When I'm back home I would like that to be a thing maybe."

"Okay that's fine. So how can I help in the meantime?" Zayn turns his body towards Matt, their hands resting on his knee.

"Kiss me more. You told me to let you know I like you by telling you. I think i need you to show me. Does that make me a bad person? Needing something a little more physical from you"

"No, not at all. The only reason I have not been kissing you is because I don't want to do anything to risk my job. I know that's shit and you had to keep your last-thing a secret and asking you to do this is probably so unhealthy."

"Its not I promise. Mason was completely different. He was a lot older and my teacher and it was so much more messy. We only have to stay secret while I'm your patient right? A few more weeks and I am out and this can be just a normal thing." Matt leans forward, pressing his head to Zayn's as he breaths in deeply. Zayn's sent fills him. Smoke and soap with a slight hint of the diner.

"Yes, that's what I really want. I want to be with you."

"I want to be with you too. And it's nice to know we are heading towards that. I will get better and I will get back home and we can have a normal healthy relationship. Can you please just give me some kisses on the meantime. Its just kisses, nothing more. In private when we know nobody can see us. It's kinda hot actually." Matt laughs, tilting his head down to kiss him. The conversation they just had shows how far Zayn had come and Matt felt so proud of him. He did not get angry and lash out he actually willingly let Matt know exactly what he was thinking and feeling. He opened up completely and so easily.

"Why are you smiling at me like a crazy person."

"No reason. I just-" Mat kisses him again, dragging his teeth over his bottom lip as he pulls away. "-I'm going to kiss you so much from now on. In private." Zayn smiles, head dropping down.

"Thanks. And um, I just want you to know that you have been really helping me and i'm sorry for any times I may have been not so nice. I kinda fancied you as soon as I saw you and you were so nice it scared me a little. I think I knew you could be something and it made me want to shut you out and this is way to many feelings talk so let go eat cookies." Zayn gets up off the bed, walking quickly to the door. Matt laughs to himself, stumbling up to follow him.

"No more kissing?" Zayn bounces down the hallway, socks sliding on the floor as he goes through the living area.

"Cookies first. I want to experience this melt in the mouth stuff. Can we eat on the sofa or are you all anal about that. I can imagine you being all anal." Zayn swipes a cookie off the plate, taking a large bite his cheeks puffing out as he chewed. "This is fucking amazing." Matt laughs, going to the fridge to grab some milk.

"You are safe on the sofa. I'm only anal about my sex." Zayn laughs, crumbs flying out of his mouth. He slapped his hand over his mouth eyes going wide.

"I'm sorry"

"Messy. Go take the plate and sit down I will bring milk over. " Zayn takes another large bite before picking up the plate and moving to the sofa, throwing himself down dramatically.

"What the hell, this sofa is super comfy. Now i understand why you kept such a ugly thing." Matt puts the milk back, closing the door with his hip.

"I think its more like the sofa kept me then me keeping the sofa." Matt places the glasses down on the small coffee table, as he sits down next to Zayn who instantly lifts his feet up to place on Matt's lap.

"Thanks for getting me out for a bit. It's nice just getting to hang out with you."

"Everything is nice now you're not trying to push me away with your bad attitude." Zayn give him a sheepish smile, breaking off a bit of cookie.

"I don't want to push you away anymore. I don't normally get good things. You are good. You're gonna be good for me. This is new to me though, being so open and honest so you have to be patient with me. You might have to help me a little sometimes." Matt smiles at him, placing his hand on his knee and squeezing lightly.

"I will always be here to help you."  
xxxxxxx

Matt rolls back on the heel of his shoes tongue clicking against the top of his mouth as he watches Zayn though the glass door.  
Stanley is standing right next to him hands twitching with his tie.

Zayn laughs suddenly at something said in the small group he is sat with and if Matt was in a better mood he would be smiling and laughing himself just from the sound.

"Well at least he is in a good mood." Matt huffs, glancing down the hallway towards the visiting rooms.

"I don't think that's going to help." Stanley sighs, flattening his tie down to his shirt.

"They are right you know. Zayn could potentially be released very soon, but I'm going to have to assess his relationship with his parents before he lives with them again."

"He doesn't like things not being on his terms. It's not the way things are suppose to be for him anymore. This is not fair."

"I am aware of that. There is not much I can do. If he refuses enough then I will ask them to leave." Zayn parents showing up unannounced and demanding to see Zayn without consulting them and Zayn himself first just proved to Matt how not ready they are to have him under their care again.

"You will be in there with him won't you?" Stanley looks at his watch, eyebrows pinching together.

"We certainly won't be leaving him alone for a second but I have a busy day today. I really was not expecting this. You will have to go in with him first, it is a lot to ask considering how badly this could go but I should be able to join shortly. I just have to go back to my office to make a few phone calls to free myself up." There is a flurry of movement from inside the rec room. Chairs scraping and raised voices as everyone starts to tidy up from the group session. They can still see Zayn, folding up chairs and looking to be in deep conversation with Nellie, one of Matt and Stanley's other patients.  
She was a few years older then Zayn but their situations were similar enough that the two had been drawn to each other quite quickly during group sessions and activities.

Stanley checks his watch again, letting out a huff.

"They show up unannounced and make out like we are the unorganised ones by making them wait. You know I try to be professional but from want we have heard they really should not be thinking so highly of themselves." Matt and Stanley share a small smile, Stanley pretending to zip his mouth up after his statement.

The noise from the rec room spills out into the hallway as the first group of people leave. Zayn is one of the last, still chatting to Nellie, hands flapping in front of him. He stops when he spots Matt and Stanley, saying a quite goodbye to Nellie before heading over to them.

"Are you waiting for me?" Stanley clears his throat, glancing at Matt as he clasps his hands behind his back.

"We are" Zayn frowns, looking between them both.

"OK. Because?" Matt presses his hand to Zayn's back, walking him future down the hallway. Stanley follows but keeps back a little.

"Zayn, your mum and dad turned up a few moments ago. They want to see you. They seem quite determined." Zayn's face drops. He takes a step away from Matt shaking his head. His fist curl up at his side.

"No. I don't want to." Stanley steps forward, hand resting on Zayn's elbow.

"I'm not going to pressure you to do anything you don't feel comfortable with. We do have to take into consideration that when you leave here it will be to your parents home. Do you not think it might be a good idea to start trying to spend time with them so that when you do leave you are all in the best possible place."

"Will it change how soon I can leave? If I don't see them." Stanley shrugs, looking strained.

"Honestly no, but I strongly advice against going home unless you have spent some time together first under observation. This is a time to heal and talk over whatever you feel you need to. We can help you get answers and solve any problems that you feel might come up once you are living with them again. If you see them in here then you are in control and its with our support." Zayn looks at Matt. He knows the look, he knows Zayn wants his opinion. Just not the opinion of Matt the intern trying to impress his boss. He want the Matt who sneaks into his room every evening.

Stanley looks at his watch again, clearly getting agitated with the way his day is going.

"I will be in the room with you." Stanley looks up watching Matt. Matt keeps his eyes on Zayn, hoping he can understand that Matt is going to be there for him. For whatever he needs.

"Okay. Fine. Let's just get this over with."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes I just fucking said." Matt ignores the snap, turning to Stanley.

"You go make your phone call. I will take Zayn in."

"Good lad. Make some notes for me please. I will be as quick as I can be". Matt watches Stanley rush off, grabbing his small notepad from his back pocket as they are left alone in the hallway. Zayn scoffs, tugging at his fringe.

"Do you always have that bloody thing on you." Matt taps his pen against the pad, eyeing Zayn as he keeps playing with his hair. He's not playing with it out of nerves like Matt thought. His eyes follow Zayn as he flattens the dark stands down. He is trying to make himself look better. Be more presentable for them. He wants their approval when he walks in.

"Stanley asks for a lot of notes so it's become a habit." Zayn rolls his eyes. He stops fussing with his hair his hand dropping down to straighten out his t shirt.

"You look beautiful." Zayn freezes, eyes darting around the hallway.  
"If you don't want to do this it really is fine. We can ask them to come back after you have had time to make yourself feel more ready. They shouldn't have shown up unannounced like this. Stanley is pissed about it." Zayn steps forward, putting himself closer to Matt.  
Matt checks the hallway again, ear strained for any footsteps heading their way before he wraps his arms around Zayn shoulders to pull him against his chest.

"You will be sitting with me?" Zayn hands slide up Matts back, gripping gently at the material of his shirt as he pressed his face into his shoulder.

"Yes. I will be right by your side." Zayn steps back, face more determined as he once again straightens his clothes out.

"Right okay. Lets go get this over and done with then. Probably just want to make themselves feel better. Wont take long i'm sure." Matt gives his hand a squeeze before leading him further down the hallway. He can hear the nerves in his breathing. Loud and shaky as they approach the visitors room. Matt just feels himself getting a little angry. The idea of coming face to face with the people who put Zayn in this position making his hands shake and his pulse quicken.

"Try to stay professional Matthew." Matt lets out a small laugh, Zayn's tone surprisingly light and joking.

"Is that what you actually want?" They stop outside the door. Matt looks behind him where Zayn is standing. Zayn looks back, a small smirk on his face as he shakes his head.

"No but I also don't want you getting in trouble." Matt just shrugs, using his ID card to unlock the door.

His eyes land on Mrs Malik first. She is a lot more put together then Matt had been picturing. Hair immaculately pinned back, not a hair out of place. She looks professional in a mint green blouse, her hands clasped together on the table in font of her. She looks more like she is waiting for a business meeting to start then waiting to see her son for the first time since he left hospital from an overdose. There was some warmth in her eyes, something there that Matt thinks could be some resemblance of an actual motherly look.

Mr Malik was just the same. Dressed smart and looking tidy. He struggled to place Zayn with them. This wild free creative soul. Maybe they were the ones who had gotten a little lost.

Matt and Zayn both reach the table at the same time, both his parents standing to their feet as they both greet Matt.

"Hello, I'm Trisha Malik, Zayn's mum." Matt just smiles and nods. Zayn's dad holds his hand out.

"Yaser." Matt gives him a limp handshake, already annoyed at them both for greeting him before their son.

"My names Matthew, I am an intern under Doctor Middles. He will be here soon he just had to make a few phone calls to reschedule some things around your unexpected visit." Matt pulls a chair out, placing his notepad and pen down on the table. They still have not said anything to Zayn who was hiding behind Matt. Heat prickles over Matt's skin as he sits down.

"I'm extremely homosexual I do hope that wont be a problem for you both." Zayn lets out a startled laugh, the sound making Matt's lip twitch into a small smile. They both looked shocked but Matt keeps the smile on his face as they both sit down again. He pulls one out for Zayn motioning for him to sit down.

"I'm not sure if you are aware but your son is also in the room." Yaser fish mouths for a second, his ears growing red.

"Yes. Yes of course. Hello Zayn." Matt almost scoffs at the formal tone, eyes rolling as Zayn slowly sits down next to him.

"It's good to see you love." Trisha reaches out for Zayn's hands but he slides them away and into his lap. She looks hurt which surprises Matt.

"How have you been?" Zayn doesn't look at them, focusing on his lap where he has tucked his hand away from the table and his playing with the small hole in the knee of his jeans.

"Good."

"Hows your room?"

"Fine"

"Is the food nice? You have been eating?"

"Yes I have been eating."

"Did they pass on the guitar?"

"I don't think these are really the things Zayn needs to spend his time discussing with you." Trisha looks surprised, a little embarrassed. Matt can feel Yaser stare burning into him. Possibly angered at the attitude Matt was showing towards both of them. He found it hard to care.

He knew he would struggle with meeting them both but he had no idea the amount of dislike he would feel upon meeting them for the first time.  
A feeling he hopes will fade if they manage to make things up to Zayn.

"Of course. What would you like us to talk about love?" The pet names made Matt twitch. A mother can't go from throwing her son out on the streets to calling him love.

"I think he would like an apology." Zayn's head snaps up to look at Matt.  
"I think he would like to make sense of the way you treated him. If that's possible. Maybe what your problem is with people who's sexuality doesn't match yours. Why something as simple as being gay made you think it was okay to make him sleep out on the streets. To neglect and abuse him." Zayn places his hand on Matt's. His mum and dad look at their joined hands then back to him.  
"It's okay Matt. I don't need that from them. Not anymore. I don't care enough about them." Trisha looks upset, her hands going to her chest. Yaser let's out a sigh, head dropping.  
"Oh course we are sorry. Zayn's overdose was a massive wake up call. We have been beyond stupid with the way we have been behaving."Matt laughs, shaking his head.  
"Stupid? And could you talk to him not me. I'm not the one who needs to hear this"

"Matt." Zayn pulls at his shoulder, making him look away from Yaser and towards him instead.

"Thank you but please, you are going to get in trouble." Trisha is watching them closely as they have a silent conversation that ends with Matt relaxing back in his seat.

"Sorry for being unprofessional." Matt clears his throat, glancing at the clock on the wall. He hopes Stanley would be here soon.

"let's try to use this time for you to explain to Zayn what made you do the things you chose to do. Then Zayn, if he wants to, can discuss his feelings on the matter." Trisha nodded, looking keen while Yaser started to look uncomfortable. Obviously not one to talk about his feelings.

Matt makes a note, Yaser's eye darting down to watch him. His eyes and the look in them as he tries to read Matts notes are so similar to Zayn it almost makes Matt soften towards him.

"Okay great. From what Zayn has been discussing with both myself and Doctor Middles it's safe to presume the problems between the three of you started when Zayn opened up to you both and admitted he thought he might be gay. Could you explain to Zayn why this was a problem for you both." Matt feels Zayn tense next to him, his unease over the subject clear on his face. He curls up, trying to make himself smaller as both his parents look towards him. His mums hands reaches across the table again, but she keeps it on her half this. An invitation to take it if he wanted.

"It's no excuse and both me and your father have been talking and we have been to see people to try and get a better understanding of it all, but we grew up in a very sheltered religious environment. We have only ever been taught that it is wrong and sinful and we have never known any other view on the matter." Matts stomach twists, the word sinful burning his insides. "We reacted to fast and to harshly. We were scared Zayn. It was like, it sounds awful but I want to be honest with you, it felt like something evil was in our home." Zayn looks away from them all, jaw tense as he tries not to cry. Trisha whips away her own tears, Yaser looking ashamed.

"I am so sorry Zayn for everything. We should have talked to you and tried to understand you. We should have told you how things were for us and that we did not understand these kinds of things. We should have let you teach us about it."

"I didn't know myself." Zayn tugs his sleeve down to cover his hands, wiping them over his eyes. "I also didn't understand why i was this way and I was scared and confused and I thought telling you would make it easier. I just ended up feeling ashamed and wrong. Dirty." Trisha leans across the table, her chair scrapping as she moved.

"love-"

"Can you stop calling me that." Zayn pushes his chair back, avoiding his mums touch as he stands. "Saying you are sorry and trying to understand and blaming it on fucking religion is not enough. You threw me out of the house. I was scared and alone and I had no fucking idea what to do. I was fourteen and you left me out there. Your fucking son." Zayn voice breaks so he takes a deep breath to steady himself, hands clasping together behind his head as he starts to pace.

Matt keeps his eyes on his parents, watching their faces. He is gripping his pen hard enough to almost snap it in two with the effort it takes to not stand up and comfort Zayn.

"How does it make you feel now?" Zayn drops his hands, walking back over to the table. He drags the hair to the side, leaning down with his hands flat on the surface, leaning over to look directly at his mum.

"I'm gay." He turns to look at his dad. "I'm gay. I like men. I like men fucking me."

"Zayn." Matt places his hand on Zayn's arm but he pushes it away.

"Are you still feeling understanding? When its here right in your face. Your son lets men fuck him because he likes it. Your son will marry a man. Your son will have children with a man." Yaser looks right back at Zayn, hands clenched tight.

"We understand. You are gay. It's fine. We fully accept you." Zayn laughs, shaking his head. The door opens behind them, Stanley rushing into the room.

"So sorry I am late Mr and Mrs Malik. How are we getting on?" He looks between Zayn and his parents his face dropping slightly at the obvious tension and anger coming off Zayn.

"My parents accept me. Problem solved so we can all go home now. Doesn't matter what I had to go through for the past three years while they sorted their small minded judgemental fucking heads out." Stanley grabs Zayn's chair, placing it back behind him.

"Ah I see." He gently pushes Zayn back down to sit before getting his own chair from one of the other tables, sitting down on the other side of Zayn to Matt.

"Well that sounds like a positive step lets discuss this more shall we? Sexuality. Mum and Dad why don't you ask Zayn anything you would like to know on the subject." Trisha smiles awkwardly.

"We have been speaking to people. Reading too." Stanley claps his hands together, smile growing bigger crinkling his face up.

"Fantastic, its great to get as much understanding about what our children have been going though. Every person is a little different though. Zayn experience with discovering his sexuality has been his own." Zayn looks mortified, eye widening at Stanley. "So maybe its best you learn about his thoughts and feelings on the matter. I believe it would do you the world of good to learn who your son is. I personally have found it an absolute pleasure getting to know him. Matthew would agree." Stanley looks around the table, letting out a small sigh when nobody talks.

"Lets start with something easy. Zayn it might help if you tell your parents how you first realised you might be gay. How you felt maybe?" A small smirk replaces the tense look on Zayn's face as he leans back in his chair. Matt shares a look with Stanley. They both know this Zayn well and both know its going to take a bit of a push before Zayn actually lets his parents into something so personal.

"Pirates of the Caribbean." Yaser frowns. Matt looks down hiding his smile behind his hand.

"What about it?" Zayn rolls his eyes leaning his elbow on the table.

"Well when your dick gets hard because Johnny Depp looks good in eyeliner and not because of all the big boobs in tight dresses you start to think something might not be quite right." Zayn's foot loops around Matt's ankle.

"It was Orlando Bloom for me." Zayn laughs, nudging Matt's shoulder with his own.

"Figures."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Matt is laying on Zayn's bed looking up at the ceiling as he waits for him. He came off his shift half an hour ago but Zayn was still in a session with Stanley discussing how he felt about seeing his parents.

He had eventually after some coaxing from both Stanley and Matt had a long honest conversation with his parents about how it was for him discovering his sexuality and the events that it lead to. They had sat in the visiting room for hours, Matt and Stanley only leaving to grab drinks for everyone. Zayn had opened up a lot quicker then Matt had expected and had spoken about a lot of things with them. He was proud and exhausted and he could not wait to give Zayn a hug.

Zayn comes into the room, dragging his feet with sleepy eyes.

"Hey you. How you feeling?" Matt sits up, loosening his tie as Zayn pulls off his jumper. His hair falls into his face but he leaves it crossing over to the bed placing himself straight onto Matt's lap, legs either side of his waist. Matts hands go to his hips to keep him steady as Zayn crashes their lips together his fingers curling tightly in the back of Matt's hair.

Matt kisses back quickly, stomach giving a pleasant tug as he rolls them over. Zayn wraps his legs around Matt, groaning into the kiss, his hands sliding down Matt's back to slowly pull his shirt out from the waistband of his trousers.

"You blow my mind." Zayn moves his hands up to cup Matt's face placing small kisses over his cheeks and back to his lips. "The way you talked to my parents. So hot." Matt smiled into the kiss, pecking Zayn's lips once more before pulling away.

"Hot? I was rude. I thought they would complain and get me fired." Zayn shuffles up the bed a little. Matt breaths out of his nose, Zayn's crotch brushing against his as he moves.

"No, well yeah you were but-" Zayn laughs softly, brushing his nose with Matts. "Nobody has ever wanted to stand up for me before. You make me feel looked out for. It shows me you care and I'm just thankful so thank you for being on my side and i'm really happy you are here." Zayn leans up to kiss him, a light blush on his cheeks. Matt runs his hand up Zayn's side, sucking his bottom lip between his. Zayn pushes his hips up to flip them over, hands pressing into the mattress either side of Matt's head as he hovers over him lips still moving together. Zayn tongue dips into Matts mouth, gentle but demanding at the same time, tasting and biting as Matt's hands wonders down Zayn's back, tugging at the waist of his jeans before they slide into his back pockets. Kissing Zayn is the first time Matt understands why people refer to it as melting. He does feel like he is melting. Into the bed under him but also into Zayn. He carefully pushes against Zayn, rolling his hips just the slightest, dick hardening between them.

He has never wanted someone like this before. To the point that his veins pulse with so much heat, his heart expanding in his chest with each brush of lips and taste of his mouth. Matt flips them again, his hands moving up to grip at Zayn's hair, his hips rolling once more as Zayn whimpers into his mouth. All he can smell is his shampoo and cigarettes and that thing that is just him. All he can feel and smell and taste and see is Zayn and he doesn't think he ever wants it to change or to stop. There is the slight hint of stubble on his face and it feels kind of wonderful against Matts face, and it somehow makes him want Zayn even closer to him.

Zayn attempts to flip them again, his leg slamming into the wall. They both breath out a laugh, Matt kissing down Zayn's neck. His body arches up into Matt as he tugs Zayn's top down a little so he can kiss across his collarbone.

"Jesus Christ your lips." Zayn's hands are all over him. Running down his back and across his chest before dripping down to his stomach.

"You are so right about kissing. It is the best part." Matt presses their lips back together, raising his hips slightly as Zayn's hands slowly move lower down his stomach.

"Can I?" Zayn kisses the side of Matt's mouth, nose brushing across his cheek. His eyes are almost black, his lips swollen and bitten. "It doesn't have to turn into anything." Zayn's finger hooks into Matt trousers, his thumb running across the metal buckle of his belt.

"Just a small touch. Wanna be able to think about it tonight when you are gone. And you can think about me too." Matt closes his eyes, forehead dropping to Zayn's. He wraps his hand around Zayn's wrist, tugging his fingers away from his belt before moving his hand down between his legs, moaning quietly when Zayn wraps his hand around him. Zayn rubs him once, his lips parting as he feels him.

"God." He drags his teeth over Matts ear. "I can't wait to get my mouth on that." Matt groans, his body juddering as Zayn squeezes him. "Bet you look so fucking sexy when you come." Zayn lets go of him, head lifting off the pillow as he takes Matt's hand and places it over himself. Matt stares down at his hand, covering the bulge in Zayn's jeans, his own dick twitching in his trousers as he feels how hard he is.

It's so innocent somehow. Touching each other like this with no goal to make it anything more. Just feeling each other. Slowly getting to know each others bodies. It's innocent but also the sexiest thing Matt has ever done. Zayn pushes Matt's hand down harder against himself, eye fluttering closed as he rocks his hips up.

"You are so beautiful." Matt leans down, whispering the words into the skin of Zayn's arms. "So beautiful that I think I might die when I see you naked." Zayn giggles, letting go of Matt's hand to wrap his arms around his neck.

"I hope not. I kinda want to keep you around. I really, really like you." Matt pecks his lips, pulling away enough to talk but staying close enough their lips are still touching.

"I really, really like you too. I'm so proud of you for today. My brave boy." Zayn blinks up at him, eyes wide and sparkling.

"I've never been someones brave boy before." Matt smiles, stroking Zayn's cheek.

"Well you are now. You will be my brave boy for as long as you will have me." Zayn sighs happily, tugging Matt down onto his side, slinging his leg over his waist.

"Thank you for being here. You are exactly what I needed. Thank you." Matt throat burns, his grip on Zayn growing tighter as he holds him against his body more.

"You are what I needed too."

xxxxxxxxxxx

"When my parents come in next weekend I don't want to tell them about being underage when me and Mason first had sex." Zayn's face twists up as he throws himself down on the chair opposite Stanley's desk.

"I know you are going to say I should be honest blah blah blah whatever boring stuff." Matt looks up from the box of files he had been sorting, popping his pen behind his ear. Stanley drops another box beside Matt before going over to his desk.

"I do think you should be honest yes." Zayn scoffs, head falling back.

"See. Boring and predictable, but I like it." Matt chuckles, shaking his head.

"I don't want them to know because they are trying to be good which is really annoying and also means they will make me go back to the police to report it. I don't want to do that. That will also annoy me. I'm trying to avoid things that annoy me. Are you picking up on that."

"Yes I am picking up on that. I still think you should tell them." Zayn rolls his eyes, looking around at the mess across the office.

"Were you busy?" Stanley takes his glasses off, rubbing at his eyes.

"Was I busy before you barged into my office unscheduled? Yes but its fine if you want to talk" Zayn clicked his tongue, kicking at a file near his foot. He looks up at Matt, eyes narrowing for a second.

"No judgements right?" Matt stops what he is doing, file dropping back into the box with a thud.

"Judgement free zone." Zayn nods once, turning back to Stanley.

"Mason is a arsehole and like a creep and shit and I hope he dies. There is also a part of me that is thankful to him and does not want him to die. That was harsh sorry. I feel hyped today." Matt sits down, eyes focused on Zayn's foot that was tapping on the floor. His brain whirled trying to work out how exactly Zayn would be thankful to Mason when just a few days ago he realised the man had groomed him.

"Thankful for what?" Stanley questions, sliding his glasses back on.

"He like-"Zayn waved his hand around, eyebrows pinching together as he thought. "Before Mason I was just really confused and I was really scared that I had just ruined my life by telling my parents I might be gay when I had no experience with boys to really confirmed i was gay. What if I kissed a boy and hated it and it was all for nothing. So the stuff I done with Mason made me feel more secure that I am the way I am. I still felt like I was broken thanks to my darling parents but it made sense. And he talked to me about stuff. So yeah. He is gross of course but there is enough evidence against him right? It's not like me staying quite is going to help him. I know its wrong of me not to speak up but I feel this is the right move for me. I can't deal with all the stuff it comes with either so yeah."

"I completely understand that Zayn and yes, last I heard they have enough to go on. You don't have to tell them, it's your thing to share if you wish." Zayn taps his hand on the arm of the chair, eyes flicking over to Matt. He looks worried so Matt smiles. He understands. Personally he would like Zayn to come forward and say what happened between him and Mason but he also agreed with Stanley. It was Zayn's thing and Matt had no place telling him what to do. He had him and Stanley to talk to so it was not like he was dealing with it alone.

"I agree. Do what you are most comfortable with." Zayn relaxes, his foot slowly coming to a stop.

"I'm glad you both agree. I know my parents want to discuss Mason some more so I just wanted to clear that up beforehand. I will leave you to your super fun stuff." Zayn scrunches his nose up, pulling himself up from the chair. He sends Matt a look that manages to send Matt's brain back to yesterday evening kissing and touching on Zayn's bed and he has to look away quickly. He can feel Zayn's smirk burning into his head as he dives back into a box of files.

"Well he was happy." Stanley comments once the door has shut. "Come such a long way. Wonder what done it."

"No idea." Matt's face is burning when he finally lifts his head back up, Stanley looking at him with a smile.

"Hmm. Me either."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Can I ask you a question?" Zayn comes out of his bathroom in just a pair of black briefs, rubbing a towel over his wet hair.

"Yes but if you expect me to focus then you are wrong. You smell fucking amazing right now by the way."

"I know. I got candyfloss shower gel. Proper man me."

"They have candy floss shower gel here? I wonder if I can steal some." Zayn drops his towel to the floor, grabbing his grey jogging bottoms off his chair.

"I took three bottles so you can take one of mine home. Move." Matt wiggles across the bed, lifting the blanket up for Zayn to climb under. Zayn shuffles around trying to get comfortable, swatting at Matt's face when he tries to smell him.

"Mean."

"Whatever babe. Can you lift your leg up?" Matt does as he is asked, Zayn slotting his own leg between Matts, patting his knee when he can lower his leg again.

"Has princess finished getting cosy so we can hardcore make out?" Zayn rolls his eyes, pinching Matt's nipple.

"No making out yet. I have a question remember."

"Oh yeah." Matt shoves his nose in Zayn hair, letting out a happy hum when Zayn lets him. "You are very distracting sorry. Ask away."

"When you were younger were you scared of your Grandad?" Matt moves his head back so he can look at Zayn's face, wondering what this question could be leading too.

"Not really. He was never nasty to me or violent." Matt leans up on his elbow, leaning his head on his hand. "My mum, she kept him on drugs and gave him small bits of alcohol. It was how she managed him because he would not accept help and she didn't want to force him into anything. I have no idea how but she got him drugs and she would limit how much he had, just enough to keep him happy." Zayn starts playing with a button on Matt's shirt, eyes staying on his as he talks.

"There were some occasions when I think my mum was just really fed up and angry at him for being the way he was and having it mess with her life so much. She would purposefully not give him anything for a couple of days and I could hear him shouting and smashing things up in his room. A couple of times he would come out and he would be shouting at her in front of me. I was scared then but only for him and my mum. I never remember feeling scared for myself. Can I ask why you wanted to know?" Zayn breaths out, his hand smoothing over his chest before moving to curl around Matt's hand.

"I was thinking about asking my parents if i can see Waliyha soon. I'm just worried about her being scared to see me."

"Does she have a reason too?" Zayn grabs the side of Matt's face, tugging him down for a small soft kiss. He does this a few times before letting him go.

"After the stuff happened with Niall I was really angry with myself and I guess I was sad he had left. He was becoming my friend and I fucked it up. It then made me more angry with my parents because if they had accepted me then maybe me and Niall would have always been friends because I wouldn't have been so bitter and jealous towards him. I went home and I lost my shit a bit. Waliyha was there when it happened and I can still remember the look on her face. She was terrified. After that i went and stayed at this disgusting flat with these horrible people and I think i was there for a few months just injecting shit or snorting whatever line was there waiting for me. I didn't stop and I have no idea how I got home but when my mum found me my sister was there for that too so she saw me like that and that must have been really scary for her. I just scared her again and again." Zayn's voice was getting a little frantic so Matt scooped him up in his arms, pressing kisses over his face. He couldn't stop the image in his head of Zayn in some dirty place surrounded by people who did not care for his safety. The amount of times Matt has wished he could change things for Zayn was huge but all he could do was try and help him now. Make him understand that whatever happened back then does not have to define who he is now.

"Baby, i am so sorry you had to deal with that and have all that anger. It was so cruel what you had to go through it and none of it was your fault. Waliyha will know this and she will see who you have become and she will know how great you are going to be. You obviously love her and care what she thinks of you. She will feel that. She wont be scared baby."

"But I have been so mean to her before. Not all the time but I have said things and lashed out when I got jealous of how my parents treated her. I was horrible about her dancing and the way she looked. I had no reason to be, she couldn't control what my parents thought and she didn't ask to be treated differently to me."

"Hey." Matt cradles Zayn's face, kissing the tip of his nose. "You are going to get the chance to say all of this to her and she will understand. Then you have all the time in the world to show her how amazing and funny and kind you can be as her brother. It might take time but there is no reason for her to be scared."

"You have so much faith in me."

"Of course I do. You have never given me a reason not to. I don't think you understand how bloody amazing you have been. You have come so far so quickly Zayn. I am so proud and so blown away by you every day." Zayn closes his eyes, tucking his face into the gap between the pillow and Matt's shoulder.

"I have only done so well because of you." Matt blows a raspberry, dropping a kiss to Zayn's head.

"Not at all, that is all lies. You are strong and determined. It's all you baby. Every step has been all you." Zayn searches for Matt's hand under the blanket.

"Thank you. I know i keep saying it but I really am so glad to have you. I always will be. Even if you have turned me into a soppy shit."

"I love you being a soppy shit." Matt drops his head to the pillow, holding Zayn's hand tightly the words 'I love you' on the tip of his tongue.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"No Zayn don't." Matt laughs hands flying up to grab Zayn's wrist as he leaps on his lap.

"Just a little bite. I promise its nice." Matt shakes Zayn's wrist trying to get him to drop the handful of fruit pastels and chocolate buttons he is attempting to shove in his mouth.

Zayn laughs when sugar drops onto Matt face from the sweets then purposefully drops a chocolate button snorting when it lands on his forehead.

"Oh god you are worse then a child." Matt loosens his grip, the top half of Zayn's body falling down and crashing into Matts chest.

Zayn laughter is dying down as he drops the sweets and chocolate onto the bed.

"Look just trust me." Zayn picks up one sweet, placing a chocolate button either side of it like a sandwich.

"Just eat it. It taste amazing. Life changing."

"It's a chocolate and sweet sandwich of grossness." Zayn presses it to Matts bottom lip, smile wide on his face as Matt stubbornly squeezes his lips together.

"Please try it." Zayn leans down, pressing his lips to the corner of Matts mouth.  
"I will give you a hundred kisses." Matt opens his mouth to reply that Zayn would give him a hundred kisses anyway but his words are cut off when Zayn quickly pushes the food into his mouth with a gleeful giggle.

Matt snaps his teeth closed around Zayn's finger.

"Ew you don't know where that has been." Matt laughs releasing his finger, face scrunching up as he chews.

"I don't know where you have been either but it's a risk I take." Zayn whacks him over the side of the head, crawling up to his knees.

Matt hates to admit it but fruit pastels and chocolate is kind of amazing.

"All I can taste is your dirty finger, make me another one."

"Ha! Knew you would like it." Zayn drapes himself back over Matt's front, smiling as he builds another chocolate and sweet sandwich.

"You look really happy." Matt slides his hand down he curve of Zayn's back, resting them flat on his bum as he kisses his chin.

"Well I am." Zayn brings the sweets to Matts mouth, kissing his lips after he had popped it in.

"I have been feeling really good. Who knew talking open and honestly to people helped."

"Huh. Crazy stuff." Matt chews, making a hmm noise as he swollows, hands gripping Zayn's bum cheeks.

"This does taste nice and you are so clever. What are we calling it?" Zayn throws some sweets and chocolate into his mouth.

"The Matty sandwich or tower of yum." Matt kisses under Zayn's chin, teeth nipping and tongue swirling as Zayn moves his head back for him his hands falling to grip Matt's shoulders.

Zayn's breath quickens into short soft pants as Matt works his mouth over his neck, his legs parting slightly to let Zayn slip between them. Zayn response by sliding his arm under Matts shoulders, pulling him closer as he kisses back upwards towards his mouth.

Their lips are sticky from sweets. Zayn's mouth like sugar and chocolate.  
Matt moves his hands up, sliding the tips of his fingers under the loose band of Zayn's trousers. Zayn grinds down with a barely there whimper at the feel of Matts skin on his.

Zayn lips leave his with a wet smack, noses bumping before he is kissing across his cheek and below his ear.

"You taste like chocolate." Matt mumbles into Zayn's hair, breathing in deeply.

"I taste like tower of yum." Matt laughs, Zayn laughing with him as Matt phone beeps on the table next to the bed. Zayn groans, body slumping against Matts.

"Boo. I was enjoying myself." Matt kissing the top of his head, hand sliding out of his trousers to silence the phone.

"Sorry love. I have to be gone before someone comes to check on you." Zayn rolls off Matt with a huff, grumbling about being checked on like a baby.

Matt stands up, shoving his hands down the front of his trousers to adjust himself before turning to look in Zayn's small mirror to attempt to tame his hair back to its normal style.

Once he was satisfied it looked tidy enough to not look suspicious he turns back to the bed, laughing quietly when he sees Zayn on his knees pouting.

Matt pecks his lips until the pout his gone and in its place is a small smile and blushed cheeks.

"Leaving is getting harder. I hate it." Zayn sighs, arms wrapping around Matts shoulder as he stands up from the bed.

"Being left is just as hard." Guilt stabs at Matts stomach, his hand gripping the back of Zayn's neck to kiss him deeper.

"You don't have much longer until your home." Zayn tugs at the collar of his shirt, hand flattening against his chest.  
"Then I get to see comfy casual Matthew." Matt smiles into the kiss, tongue darting out to lick at Zayn's lip before dipping into his mouth. Zayn's sighs happily fingers curling against his chest the same ways Matts toes are curling.  
"God I love kissing you." Zayn barely let's him get the words out before he is sucking his lips into another kiss. It's all a ploy to prolong Matt leaving but right now he doesn't care to stop. It's the reason he set his warning alarm nearly an hour early. Goodbyes are hard, even if it's only for a short time.

"I don't think I have ever been this sexually frustrated in my life."Matt laughs, lips leaving Zayn's as he bites playfully at his cheek.

"Not long remember. Then I will devour the shit out of you."

"Your rules suck." Zayn sighs, head falling to the side as Matt kisses his neck.  
"My rules stop us from getting caught. Fuck you smell amazing." Zayn's body curves towards him. Matt scrapes his teeth down to his shoulder then kisses softly back up again.  
"Plus it's kinda hot don't you think. Feeling like a horny kid again. I heard someone say juicy the other morning and got a boner."Zayn laughs loudly hand covering his mouth to quite himself down.  
"Your such a loser." Matt huffs out a laugh, hands grabbing at Zayn butt.  
"Made me think about how juicy you are."  
"I don't think I fancy you anymore."  
"It's hard to believe that when I can currently feel your dick pressed against my leg." Zayn slaps Matts hands away before gently pushing him away towards the door.

"You are ridiculous."

"I also get boners over cooking shows these days. Everything is so sexy suddenly. Have you ever noticed how fantastic Stanley looks in the morning." Zayn's pillow slams into the wall next to Matt.

"You missed." The next one hits him square in the face sending him stumbling back.

"Get out you freak. Come kiss me as soon as you get in tomorrow."

"Yes sir. Sweet dreams and happy wanking" Matt slips out the room just as another pillow hits the door.

He laughs to himself quickly making his way to his locker.

Xxxxx

"You look tired." Matt drops his pen down on his book, sighing deeply as he rubs at his face.

"I'm exhausted." The bed dips, Matt pens sliding to the bed as Zayn crawls up the end, body hovering over Matts back.

"Go home, I feel bad you staying here late for me." Matt drops his head forward, Zayn's lips pressing to the back of his neck.

"It's fine. I would only be doing the same thing there." Which is true. It felt like his exams were speeding towards him with the force of a bus and the closer they got the less prepared he felt. He was so close to being done and he was sure he was going to mess it up at the last second.

"Yes but if you are at home then you could just roll straight into bed when your done. Go home before you worry me you're too tired to drive." Matt sighs letting his body sink fully into the bed for a moment. His eyes drifting closed. Zayn got up, closing Matts book.

"Come on, up and home. No offence but you look dead. You're overworking."

"You're not work." His words are muffled by the bed that he could happily fall asleep on right this second.

He feels Zayn's breath ghost over his cheek before the soft press of his lips.

"Technically I am." Matt lifts his head up to protest but Zayn just covers his mouth with a small laugh.  
"It's just one night. You can leave me here it's fine. I will read my book and then fall asleep. Stop feeling guilty." And that is exactly the problem really. He feel so guilty leaving Zayn here. He just wants to be able to walk out with him.

"Can I just put you in my pocket?" Zayn nose crinkles up, his teeth flashing as he smiles.

"How tired are you?" Matt groans loudly, head flopping back down.

"The worse level of tired possible. I might cry." Zayn tugs on his arm and then keeps tugging until he get off the bed.

They are both quiet as Zayn helps him step into his shoes and puts his jumper back on for him before dropping his book into his hands.

"I will see you tomorrow?" Matt nods, talking around a yawn.

"I have a morning lecture but should be in after lunch." Zayn leans forward pecking him on the lips.

"Go home and sleep. Your brain is full enough."He goes up on the tip of his toes to kiss Matts forehead.

"My clever boy. Goodnight." Matt steals another kiss before Zayn opens the door.

"Goodnight my brave boy." Zayn is beaming with flushed cheek when he shut the door whispering another goodnight.

Matt holds his books to his chest, letting out a sigh as his shoulders slump. Body heavy and weary he turns to leave, another yawn threatening to take over when he locks eyes with Stanley.

Matt freezes.

"Mr Daniels." Matt looks back to Zayn's door before snapping back to Stanley as he feels everything crashing down around him.

"A word in my office please."

"I can explain."

"Office now."

X

Matt settles in front of Stanley's desk any ounce of tiredness now gone. His while body is on high alert. The fact that he has just been caught coming out of Zayn's room hours after he was suppose to have left enough to shock him back awake. He can't stop shaking, fear tickling all over his body making all his little hairs stand on end and a thin layer of sweat form.

He should be apologising. Finding any explanation that won't have him kicked off the intern program and maybe even his uni course.

He had been caught coming out of the room of a patient at night.

Sneaking our after clearly sneaking in.

He was so close to getting everything he wanted. Worked endlessly for.

Stanley is typing away at his computer and Matt is certain he is doing it to torture him. Purposely making him wait to find out what is going to happen to him.

He can't work out if he is going to cry, throw up or scream. Maybe all three.

"Sir, please I can-"

"Matthew, you have been by far the best intern I have had." Matt's mouth snaps shut, his head hanging down in shame. Stanley had been nothing but nice. He gave him numerous opportunities to make him look good and this is how Matt repays him.  
"You have taken on any task I ask of you without once complaining. You have put the care of the patients before anything else. You work endlessly and happily. I have been proud of you." Matt closes his eyes, throat bobbing as he tries not to cry.

"I'm so sorry."

"That is why I have put your forward to be my replacement when I retire in five months." Matt's head snaps back up, eyes widening.

Replacement?

He wasn't be fired?

He was being offered a job?

Or he going to be offered a job before he messed it all up.

"Excuse me? Sorry, what?" Stanley smiles, hands clasp by his mouth.

"I can't imagine anyone else more perfect to fill my role. I see a lot of me in you. I hope you don't mind me saying that."

"No. Of course not your- but I have been--I don't have an experience and I've been-"

"Matthew how can we expect you to get experience if we don't give you a job. I'm not the only one who thinks so. You are well thought of here. You have a job if you want one."

"But I don't understand. You just saw me coming out of Zayn's room." Stanley gets up, tapping his desk before walking round to Matt perching on the edge.

"Ah yes, Mr Malik and yourself. Not the way we normally do things."

"I know and I am so sorry. I promise I haven't been taking advantage of him. I would never. Not with him or anyone. His safety and well being has always been the most important thing I swear. You can trust me with the patients. This job means the world to me and I won't mess it up. Please sir, don't take this away from me." Stanley chuckles, leaning froward to pat Matt on the hand.

"I'm a romantic so your in luck. I see the way he looks at you. I don't think that boy had ever felt as loved and safe as you make him feel." Loved. Loved. Zayn is loved so much. He loves him.

"You're not angry?"

"How can I be angry when I've witness you put him back together. Just a bit disappointed you were not professional enough to wait until he was back home." Matt can't believe it. Stanley knows. He knows about him and Zayn and he is still offering him a job. His job. He gets Stanley's job. He has not even passed his exams and he is being offered a job.

"Stanley I can't--this is." Matt stands up lunging forward to hug Stanley, who hugs back with a small laugh.

"This is amazing. I thought you would fire me. I am so sorry I disappointed you. I won't let you down again I will be the best I promise."

"Of course you will. Just don't do it again." Matt leans back, eyes widening as he frantically shakes his head.

"No! Never again. There won't be anyone else. I love him. I haven't said that out loud before." Matt blushes, hands dropping from Stanley.

"I'm in love with him. It's just him. I'm going to be so good. It's just--are you sure? You have been here for years and I can't provide the same skills as you and I can't replace you as easily as someone older."

"Are you trying to change my mind Matthew?" Matt slaps his hand over his mouth and Stanley laughs, face lighting up work amusement.

"No. No! I'm just freaking out. I am so honoured to be offered this and given a chance like this so early in my career. This is want I wanted. What I want. You're not joking right? This is not some kind of punishment for me and Zayn. I swear I didn't set out for that to happen." Stanley grips Matts arms giving him a small gentle shake.

"Calm down. The relationship with Zayn is unethical yes, but as long as it stays between us three then it won't affect anything. If I thought you where putting his well being in danger I would be stepping in. Now just enjoy the moment Matthew. Pass your exams and just enjoy that you have this." Matt let's our a small squeal, hopping foot to foot.

"Can I go tell him please?" Stanley nods once, smile still on his face as Matt pulls him into another hug, arms squeezing his shoulders.

"Thank you. You have been the best mentor ever and I admire you so much."

"Go tell your boy." Matt steps back, eyes shimmering with unshed tears.

"My boy. I love him. Oh god thank you so much." Matt smacks a kiss against Stanley cheeks before rushing out the room, Stanley's laughter following him.

His shoes are loud against the floor as he runs, doors banging closed behind him.

He still can't believe it.  
This is more then he ever thought he would have so soon.

Matt goes straight into Zayn's room without knocking. Zayn is halfway into bed looking startled as Matt slams into him. They both crash onto the mattress, Matts legs slamming into the wall as he crashes his lips to Zayn's.

It a little too hard and their teeth clash together because Matt is smiling too much and Zayn is halfway through yelling at him.

"I got offered a job. Stanley's job. I have a job. One I really really wanted and it's mine and I have you and I am so fucking happy right now." Zayn hugs him tight, face pressing into the side of his neck.

"I'm so happy for you baby. Its all falling into place." Matt pushes himself up so he can look at Zayn's face. His beautiful, beautiful face.  
Beautiful eyes.  
Beautiful eyelashes.  
His skin, his hair, his nose, his cheeks, his chin, his lips, his smile. His beautiful boy.

"It is. Its all falling exactly into place."

Xxxxx

Having Stanley know about him and Zayn takes away a bit of the worry Matt was feeling about getting into trouble.

He was still well aware that another member of staff would report him if they found out, but nobody watches Matt the way Stanley does. The other staff was not the problem overall.

Its nice that when he sits in on Zayn's session Stanley has already moved Matts chair that little bit closer to Zayn's

Its nice that Matt doesn't have to stop his face from showing how fond he is when Zayn says something cute or funny.

Its nice that when Zayn is talking about something he is struggling with he can reach out to offer him some comfort.

Having Stanley know also comes with a very awkward conversation.

"Just for my own peace of mind of course. Not that I think there is anything to worry about." Matt and Zayn both look blankly at him.

"When exactly did this start?" Zayn shifts in his seat, body angled towards Matt.

"Um, a couple of weeks ago I guess?"

"So before Matthew took you off the premises for the day?"

"Yes?" Zayn looks Confused, nose scrunching up.

"I took him back to my flat. We ate cookies and drank milk that's as wild as it got. We haven't been sexual. If that's what you are leading too. I understand that Zayn could be classed as fragile right now. It's moving slow." Stanley regards them both for a moment before nodding.

"Good. Zayn have you at any point felt pressured to do anything that you are not comfortable with?" Zayn scoffs leaning back in his chair, arms stretching about his head.

"Trust me doc this one practically has a lock and key on his pants." Matt makes an affronted sound lips pouting out.  
"He won't let me in them. I wish there was some pressure."

"Oh god." Matt sinks down, hand covering his face. "You are never meeting my parents I swear." Zayn laughs, shoving him lightly.

"Stanley I Zayn Malik do not feel pressured in anyway to act towards Matthews Whats his face sexually. We really have not been sexual, not through lack of trying on my part mind you."

"My last names Davidson. You know that."

"I forget details" Stanley raises his eyebrow, shaking his head as he looks between them both.

"When do you plan on telling your parents?"

"As soon as I am out this hell hole."

"How do you feel about being in an openly gay relationship."

"Oh we getting to the therapy stuff now. We are not actually in a relationship yet technically. When he says we are taking it slow he really means it. Slowwww" Zayn drags the word out, turning to Matt with a smirk.  
"Like a good little christian boy." Matt snorts, slapping Zayn's hand away from his cheeks.

"Your impossible. Be serious now, answer the question." Zayn signs dramatically, head falling back.

"I feel fine about it. My parents have like no choice but to be nice about it. It's going to be cool." Zayn raises his head again, looking away from them both.

"It's something I haven't been able to do before so yeah, I feel really good about it. Excited. It will be nice to feel normal for once." Matt squeezes Zayn's leg. He was so happy Zayn felt that way and that he was apart of the reason he was finally getting what he wanted.

"I'm glad to hear that. I think it's very obvious that this thing happening between you is not going to have a bad effect on you at all. You are both being very sensible. I defiantly approve and will be happy to do anything to help the transition an easy one for you Zayn. With you parents and what not."

"Thank you." There is so much more in Zayn's eye as he says the words. More then he could probably express to Stanley. Matt feels it too. The impact Stanley has had on both theirs lives is massive and they will never be able to repay him.

"You are most welcome. Now as you said, therapy stuff. Matthew I have some files over there i need you to take to the intern office and sort." Matt blinks in surprise, looking over at the box Stanley is pointing too. He hadn't expect to be asked to leave while Zayn's session was still going.

"Oh right. Okay. Yeah of course."Matt stands up moving to pick the box up.  
Zayn is smirking at him, laughing when Matt bumps into the door.  
"I will go then." Zayn raises his hand in a wave.  
"Bye Matthew." Zayn and Stanley both catch the small pout of Matts lips as the door shuts behind him.

Zayn laugh fades, his smile dropping when he sees the look on Stanley's face.

"I know what you are going to say."

"We have spoken about how important honesty is. Secrets fester and they don't bring you anything positive."

"I'm going to tell him about Niall." Stanley stare seems to go right through Zayn making him twitch nervously.

"Before you get serious." Zayn nods, making sure to look right back at him.

"Yes." Stanley seems to accept the answer for now, opening Zayn's file on his desk ready to take notes.

"Would you like to talk more about Niall today?" Zayn looks towards the door Matt had just left though, hand sliding into the back of his hair to tug gently.

"Yes please."

Xxxxxx

Matt glares at the book on his lap words blurring together. He had reached that time of night where he stopped understanding things. Since he has been offered Stanley's job he felt more panicked about passing his exams.  
Which made his cram more. Which seemed to makes him understand less. Which made him panic more.

"Your head is about to pop." Zayn bare foot lifts up to kick the book off Matt's lap. He watches it fall to the floor, snapping shut as it hits the carpet.

"I was reading."

"You haven't turned the page for half an hour. You were not reading and it was boring." Matt sighs tiredly, flopping sideways onto the bed, his elbow hitting Zayn's side. Zayn grunts but still tucks Matt into his side for a cuddle.

"Is cramming like that actually helping?"

"No. I'm doomed."

"You are not doomed. You are awesome at this. You know your stuff." Matt raises his arms upwards twisting his wrist, sore from taking notes most the evening.

"Sorry i keep ignoring you." Zayn's hand starts smoothing over Matt's head making his eyes flutter close, his arms falling back to his side.

"I don't mind. You look hot when you're staring into space in despair."

"I'm so confused by it all even though I know it." Zayn laughs pressing a kiss to his forehead.

"I get confused just reading the front of the book, psychotherapeutic counselling. Big words them." Matt makes a gurgling noise, face pressing into Zayn armpit as he pushes himself up on to all fours.

"That was so sexy. Say it again"

"Psychotherapeutic Counselling?" Matt swings his legs over Zayn's waist, sitting on his lap.

"Yes." Zayn waggles his eyebrows, lips quivering as he tries not to laugh.

"Psychotherapeutic Counselling." Matt rolls his hips a little bending down to kiss across Zayn's jaw line.

"Oh god no lie I could get off just on you saying that."

"You are such a nerd." Matt drags his hands up Zayn's chest, curving them around the bottom of his leg to slide them under his shirt a little.

"Yeah i am. Actually can i record you saying that? I'm sure I have my phone." Zayn wraps his arms around Matt's waist, flinging him onto his back by his side on the bed. Matt spluttered laughter is cut off by Zayn pressing their lips together in a hard kiss that sends heat trickling down Matt stomach.

Matts hand instantly grab at the back of Zayn's head, legs wrapping around his waist as he rolls on top of Matt. Zayn grinds down against him, lips still working Matt into a head spin.

He loved when Zayn kissed him like this. When he took his breath away completely and all Matt could do was take everything Zayn was giving him. Which is kind of how he likes to be fucked sometimes but that line of thoughts is not going to help with the situation in his pants.

His body shakes with a silent moan when Zayn grinds down again, Matts dick growing harder with each movement.

Zayn stops kissing him to drop his face into his neck, lips parted as he pants hot breaths over his skin.  
"Fuck." Matt arches up into Zayn making the grind that little but harder. Zayn's dick rubs against his own making both of them moan before Zayn is searching for Matts lips again.

Matts hand drop from Zayn's hair, Zayn quick to catch them in his own hands and pin them to the pillow either side of Matts head as his hips speed up.

Matts head start to spin. He can feel a thin layer of sweat from over his stomach and back. His legs part more, heels digging in as he keeps his own hips moving in time with Zayns.

Zayn's breath hitches his hands pushing Matt's down into the bed harder.

He's getting close. Matt Zayn he is too. Thinks that maybe a few more brushes of Zayn dick over him would be enough to have him spilling in his pants.

His phone alarm goes off across the other side of the room. A quite ding and then a vibrate. Matt snaps his legs shut stilling Zayn's movements as he rolls him onto his back. Zayn looks dazed as Matt unhooked his legs from his waist and shifts back to put some distance between them.

He looks so good spread out on the bed. Chest and stomach heaving as he catches his breath, skin gleaming with sweat. Erection tenting the material of his jeans out.

He looks too good and all Matt wants to do is shove his hands down his trousers and get him off.

He looks way too good.  
Its make getting up to silence his phone so much harder then it normally does.

Matt keeps his back to Zayn for a moment. Using the time to get his own breathing back to normal. Something he can't do when looking at him right now.  
He can still hear Zayn's breaths. Still hear him struggling to get it back to its normal rhythm.  
His dick aches with how badly he needs something.

"You're going to leave?" He sounds so wreaked. God, what would he sound like if Matt actually did pin him down and fuck him.

"They will be doing checks soon." His own voice sounds just as bad, a tremor to it that he knows Zayn will hear.

"In an hour." Matt sucks a breath in before turning back to Zayn. He is still spread out on the bed. Arms and legs spread across the mattress. Erection still pushing up in his trousers.

"six more days." Zayn sighs, kicking his legs out before sitting up with a groan. He pushes the heel of his hand into his dick. Matt has to quickly turn away again heat pooling in his stomach.

"Be nice to be normal won't it. Be able to text you and stuff." He hears Zayn get off the bed so he busies himself with picking up his textbook and placing it on the side. The fact that he has taken to keeping one here makes him freeze for a moment. He hadn't even realised he was leaving his stuff in Zayn's room for when he came back. He was just doing it.

Zayn presses up against his back, hands brushing down his arm until he reaches his hand.

"I like having your stuff here." Matt breaths out, moving himself away from Zayn. His heat, his smell, his touch. It all feels like too much right now.  
He can't get rid of the fuzz in his head if Zayn stays near him.

"I should go and let you-"

"Wank before the lovely nurse sees how horny I am?" Zayn smirks leaning against the wall as Matt fumbles his steps. God what was wrong with him tonight.

"I was going to say let you get settled. But I guess that too." Zayn laughs, the look on his face fond as he walks over to Matt wrapping his arms around his waist.

"six days." There is something in the way he says it. It's not six more days then i am out. If six more days until we are somewhere we don't have to stop. Six more days and your mine.

"Yeah."Matt closes his eyes, kissing the top of Zayn's head.  
"six more days. Don't rush it for me though. If you don't feel ready at the time we can make it longer."

"No. I'm ready. I just want to have a normal life again. Be normal with you. I'm going to be fine. I have you." That's. Well that's a lot of pressure but Matt knew that getting into this. So yeah, Zayn has him. He will do anything to help keep Zayn's life together.

"I should go." Zayn's hand slowly moves up Matt shirts, the material feeling a little tacky against his skin from where he had gotten hot before.

Matts eye flutter, Zayns fingertips drumming up his spine before spreading out over his shoulders.

Its a simple touch yet once again Matt feels like his whole body has been set on fire.

"I will be in again before lunch." It's a struggle to keep his eyes open. Zayn angles his head up for another kiss which Matt happily gives him, fingers trailing over his cheeks before he steps back, opening the door.

"Night love." Zayn smiles, hand wrapping around the door as Matt steps into the hallway eyes never leaving Zayns.

"Goodnight." Matt keeps his eyes on him until the door closes.

He whispers "I love you" to himself before quickly walking away.

Xxxxx

Matts alarm wakes him up at 5am like it does every weekday morning.

He reaches to switch it off with one hand. His other hand slides down to wrap around his cock. Like it does every morning.  
He can't remember the last time he didn't wake up already hard and turned on.  
Actually he can't remember the last time he went to sleep and wasn't hard and turned on. Even after wanking as soon as he walks through his front door and drops his bag.

Zayn was going to be the death of him.  
Five more days.  
Then he can have him.

His hand speeds up, hand squeezing harder at the thought.  
Spreading him out. Burying his fingers and his cock into him. Licking him apart. So many things he could do.

"Fuck." Matt scrunched his eyes closed, body shaking as he comes all over his hand and stomach, Zayn's eyes flashing though his mind.  
"Fucking hell." Matt rest his hands on his stomach, grimacing at the sticky mess.  
He still felt wound up. It still wasn't enough.  
God, he had never wanted someone like this before. Not to the point that nothing else was going to satisfy him.

Five days. He was only slightly sure he could get through five more days of awkwardly timed boners and a massive lack of ability to listen and focus on nothing but Zayn and his own dick.

It takes a few more minutes for him to fully wake up. He gives himself a few more lazy tugs before he kicks the blanket off his legs and rolls off the bed with a groan. Shower and food. Then he was sure he would be in the right head space for uni and work.

He showers quick, ignoring the way his dick perks back up as he washes himself.

He mutters answers to practice tests to himself as he makes himself a quick bowl of cereal, spooning it into his mouth as quick as he can before dumping it in the sink and grabbing everything he needs that is not already in his bag.

His uni lecture drags like normal, his brain refusing to focus on anything other then how badly he wants to have Zayn wrapped around his dick.

He was worse then he was as a fourteen year old when all he could think about was how great it would be to get his dick wet with any bloke that walked past and glanced his way.

Only it was worse now because he knew how good it actually was to get inside someone and when that someone looks like Zayn it's probably ten times more then Matt could ever imagine.

By the time he gets to the clinic he has filled out four practice exams, written half an essay and pictured about six different way he would like to fuck Zayn in great detail.  
He was so done with this day already and just wanted to get to the part where he can curl up around Zayn and kiss away his frustration.

Stanley, it seemed, was making an effort to push Matt towards Leah and Nellie more since he found out about Matt and Zayn. Which Matt kind of understands. It was getting to a point where it was obvious something might be going on between them. It was just way too hard not to turn into a gooey mess around Zayn when everything he does is as equal cute as it is sexy.

This means he didn't see Zayn, other then a quick glance at lunch time and when he passed the rec room, until he finished his shift at seven.

He has to have his usual end of shift chat with Stanley, to go over anything they need to focus on the next day and what is expected of Matt when he comes back in. After that it's half seven so he rushes to his locker to grab his stuff and some snacks from the vending machine before making his way to Zayn's room.

He had been spending a lot more time with the other residents since Matt had been busy with Leah and Nellie so he didn't expect him to be in his room just yet. He normally spent the time he waited doing some revision or texting his mum to let her know he was alive and well. Tonight he just drops his bag to the floor before falling face first onto the bed. He is asleep in minutes.

X

He wakes to the sound of guitar and Zayn's soft singing voice. He lays still, letting the sound and the feelings that come with it settle over him. God he loves him so much.

Eventually the need to stretch out becomes too much so he straightens out his legs with a yawn.

Zayn stops singing, his strumming slowing down.

"Hey there sleepyhead." Matt groans, sliding his leg across the bed until his bent knee presses into Zayns back.

"Why didn't you wake me? What time even is it?" He groans again at how dry and raspy his voice sounds. Zayn places his guitar down carefully, getting up to grab a bottle of water from Matts bag.

"It's half eight. I tried to wake you when I came in but you were dead. You have the cutest snore by the way. And you do this cute nose scrunch in your sleep." Matt blushes, flinging his arm over his face as Zayn throws the bottle on the bed next to him.

"Lies. You're a liar." Zayn laughs, sitting back down on the bed his hands brushing over Matt hair. 

"I got food for you."

"I know. I saw it. Thank you."

"Did you leave me any?"

"Nope. You snooze you loose." Matt drops his arm away from his face. Zayn is leaning over him with a playful smirk. He leans down to kiss away Matts pout.

Matt sighs, moving his lips with Zayns hoping his breath is okay but also not caring at all.  
Zayn seems pretty eager to lick into him so it can't be that bad.

"Missed you today." Matt cradles the back of Zayn's head, leaving small pecks against his lips as he speaks.  
"Saw you eating lunch. Looked cute. Saw you in the rec room too. Have fun?" Zayn leans back slightly, breath warm on Matts lips.  
"Yeah. It was nice. How was your day?"  
"Good. Sorry I fell asleep. We don't have much time now." Zayn lays down on his stomach, the top half of his body draped over Matts.  
"It's okay. I have never seen you asleep before. It was adorable."  
"Hmm, you're adorable." Zayn rolls his eyes, kissing Matts nose.  
"Probably best you were asleep. Been so fucking horny today."  
"God me too." Matts words are muffled, Zayn pressing their lips together again.  
"You are far too beautiful for me not to be." A look comes over Zayn's face, one that Matt can't quite figure out. He smooths his thumb across Zayn forehead, trailing it down the side of his nose before cupping his chin.  
"What?" Zayn breaths out, eyes closing as he rest his head down on Matts chest.  
"Nothing really." He grips Matt's shirt, tip of one finger sliding under the small gap between two buttons to stroke over the skin of his chest.  
"It's just... when you say I'm beautiful you have this look and you say it in a way that makes me believe it. It's a lot for me sometimes. To know someone like you has seen me at my worst most ugly time but still found me beautiful."

Someone like you.

Someone like him? Doesn't Zayn understand that Matt is half the man Zayn is. That Matt can't believe someone like Zayn would show a hint of interest in him.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Matt kisses the words to the top of Zayn's head. Nose buried in his hair. He cant say them out loud. Far to scared to mess this all up. He doesn't think Zayn is there yet. He might never be, but it's fine. Matts is just happy he gets this with him.

"Have your water" Zayn nudges the bottle closer to Matt again, moving so he can sit up to drink from it.

Matt guzzlers half the bottle, feeling more refreshed already. Napping can sometime me such a bitch.

"How are you feeling about going home?" Zayn lays back down, head on Matts stomach.

"I don't know. Its like, I feel incredible because I done this and I'm clean. Like actually fucking clean and I feel amazing for it. I'm also nervous about what it's going to be like being back with my parents and there is temptations out there. In here there is nothing other then a locked pharmacy, which from experience is hard to get into unnoticed." Matt laughs, playfully slapping the side of Zayn's face.

"Don't joke, I was so pissed at you."

"Yeah i kinda noticed. Nobody has ever cared enough to get that angry before. Worried I guess but never angry." Matt grabs hold of Zayn's hand, kissing across his knuckles before resting it on his chest.

"I was scared. You know I will be looking out for you right? Even if you do relapse or are just tempted you can come to me and I won't judge. I only ever want to help." Zayn sighs, turning is face into Matt stomach his eyes closing.

"I know." Matt smiles, closing his own eyes. He plans to spend the last few moments with Zayn tonight dozing. He was far to wound up to be able to handle kissing him too much.

"This is real right? You and me. It's real and it's not going to stop once I am home?" Matt opens his eyes again looking down at Zayn.

"It's real baby. You have me for as long as you want me." Zayn let's out a happy hum, curling his legs up to his stomach as Matt starts to stroke over his hair.

"Think I might want you for quite some time." Matt smiles, heart flopping his his chest.

"Sounds perfect."

Xxxxxxxx

When Matt walks into Zayn's room the next evening he is already waiting for him, sprawled out on his bed. He is still dressed in his jeans and t shirt instead of his usual comfy clothes he changes into the second he comes back to his room for the night. Other then his lip twitching slightly he does not make any other reaction to Matt coming in, which concerns him.

Matt drops his bag by the door, kicking off his trainers and loosening his tie as he makes his way over to the bed. The mattress dips as he kneels on it, Zayn's foot sliding to the side slightly as Matt climbs over his body until he is face to face with him, hand bracketing his head.

"What's wrong?" He asks softly, his hands moving to cup Zayn's cheek. Zayn sighs leaning into the touch, eyes fluttering closed.

"Shit day." Matt places a small, soft peck to Zayn's lips

"What happened?" Zayn's eyes flutter open. They look tired and it makes Matt want to get him all tucked up into the bed and stroke his hair until he falls into a peaceful sleep.

"Nothing happened. It was a normal day, I have just felt a little off. Everything felt like it took a lot of effort, like I felt heavy all day." Matt lowers his body down onto Zayn's, hand sliding round to the back of his head as Zayn' legs wrap around his waist.

"I'm sorry it was hard. Sorry I was not around for it."

"It's okay. I know your here somewhere so it helps still." Matt pouts, still feeling guilty that he had not been around Zayn much during the day since Stanley found out about them. He was not stupid enough to complain, but Zayn was supposed to still be his patient and he didn't think spending time with him like he normally did was going to make anyone suspicions.

"I know. Still sorry though." Matt dropped his head. Zayn's top had ridden up a little, exposing a small slither of caramel skin just above the waistband of his jeans. Matt reached down to run the tip of his fingers over it. Zayn's stomach flutters under his touch, a line of goosebumps appearing over the skin.

"Hey so, I checked my scheduled and i'm not on the rota to work in four days times and I only have a two hour lecture later in the day." Zayn wraps his hand around Matt's wrist gently tugging his hand up to lay it on his chest.

"That's nice, but i'm pretty sure my parents are coming to get me. They will probably want to get me home and settled and really get this big act of theirs going."

"I thought your visits with them had been going well? You think it's all an act? Zayn if you don't feel safe going home with them then you need to tell Stanley." Zayn laughs, rolling them both to lay on their sides, his legs still gripping Matt's waist.

"I feel okay about going home with them. It wont be like a normal parent son set up but I feel pretty confidante they wont be like they were before. its just-" Zayn starts playing with Matt's fingers, eyes down. "-they kept going on about how the spoke to people. People like me so they could understand me. They keep saying that. People like me. After all this i'm still not just a normal person to them. That is going to suck."

"It will probably be hard to begin with. For all of you. I don't think its an excuse but your parents grew up very sheltered from anything to do with the LGBT community so I think it's good they are talking to people. They just need some more time before they fully understand. They are listening now, you have the opportunity to educate them and show them that you are the same as everyone else. I think it's all going to be fine. Plus you will have me and i'm more then happy to have a few words with your delightful parents if need be." Zayn hums, eyes brightening a little as he leaves a kiss on the end of Matt's nose.

"I do have you." Matt beams, snuggling closer to him.

"You do."

"Four more days." Matt slips his hand under the back of Zayn's top, fingers dragging across the slight curve of his back before resting on his hip.

"Four more days." Zayn tugs him in for a kiss, mouth opening easily for him. Matt licks into his mouth, brushing over Zayn's tongue and dragging over the back of his teeth, the taste of him making the hairs on his arm stand on end.

Four days. Four days.

He can't wait until he finally gets Zayn in his flat, just them two. He can't wait to get to kiss him for longer, let his hand wonder more, not have to stop Zayn when his hands start roaming.

He can't wait to taste more then this mouth. He can't wait to hear the sounds he can pull from him. He can't wait to feel him in his mouth, around his cock. He can't wait to make him come, to know he is making him feel as good as he can. Take him apart with his hands then his mouth then his cock. He can't wait to ask him to be his boyfriend. Tell him he loves him for the first time. He can't wait for all the stuff that feel ages away. Living together, setting up a life. All the things that belong to Matt becoming Zayn's too. Spending what he hopes will be the rest of his life making him as happy as possible. Give him the family he wants. He wants to marry him.

"Matt." Zayn sounds breathless, chest heaving as he pulls on Matt's shirt. His hips roll into Matts , cocks brushing.

"God." Matt takes Zayn's wrist, pinning them to the pillow as he flips them so he is straddling Zayn's waist. He nudges Zayn's head to the side with his nose before attaching his lips to his neck, kissing and licking his way down. Zayn gasps, back arching when Matt bites down gentle.

"Please, please." He whimpers, grinding up against Matt. "Please, want you to touch me. Please." Matt leans up, raising his hips as he releases one of Zayn's hands so he can cup him over his jeans. Zayn moans, pushing up into the touch. His free hand grips at his own hair, tugging slightly his other hand wiggling in Matt's grip. "More. Want more." Matt curses, sliding off Zayn's lap, heat pooling in his stomach. Seeing Zayn so breathless and desperate had his own cock throbbing and pushing almost painfully against the zip of his trousers. His hands are shaking as he unbuttons Zayn's jeans. Zayn lifts his head up, letting out a whine as Matt yanks his zip down. "Fuck. Fucking hell." Matt fumbles with his own trousers, tugging them down below his arse. He does the same to Zayn's, hand instantly rubbing over the bulge tenting the thin black material of his boxers. Without his jeans in the way Matt can grip him better. Properly feel the size of him. Zayn groans, hips desperately moving as Matt flattens his hand over his cock and rubs him.

It not suppose to go this far. Not yet. Not here. He had said it would not go this far. To himself, Zayn and Stanley. But he was so turned on his brain was like static and Zayn was begging and he looked so good.

Matt got back on top of Zayn, lining their cock ups. Zayn gets out a small moan before Matt is crashing their lips together in a kiss that felt bruising and wet and so good. They both start rutting, kisses mixed with moans and hot breaths. Matt grabs at Zayn's waist with one hand his other diving in to Zayn's hair. He angles his hips down more, Zayn's cock pushing hard against his. It send ripples of pleasure over Matt, precum soaking through his boxers. It feels so fucking amazing to finally give himself something he had been craving. It felt mind blowing to have Zayn withering underneath him as he swallowed and licked away his moans.

His thighs started to shake, his orgasm building up in his stomach. He couldn't even bring himself to care about how he was going to get from Zayn's room to his car without someone noticing a wet mess that would be soaking through his trousers in seconds. God he did not care at all.

"Oh God, so close." Zayn bites down on Matt's bottom lip, the words coming out in small gasp. He sounds so much more then Matt had been imagining. Everything with Zayn was so much more then he could ever get his head around. He was sure he would stop breathing when he finally gets to be inside him.

"Fuck, Fuck, Fuck." Matt's thrust get shorter and harder his hand moving to curl in the blanket as he feels everything build and build.

His phone starts blaring out with his alarm tone. A lot louder then he remembers setting it.

"Shit!" Zayn lets out a weak sound of protest as Matt rolls off him. His body gives a jolt and for a second Matt thinks he is coming but then he goes weightless against the bed, eyes wide.

"I'm going to fucking kill your fucking phone." Matt curses again, yanking his trousers up as he stumbles towards his bag. His hands are shaking enough that he takes him a few attempts to get into his bag, the alarm sound getting louder.

"Matt!"

"I know. Fuck." The last thing they needed right now was someone hearing his phone and coming in to see what was going on. He finally gets it out swiping to cancel it. He silences his phone for good measure before dropping it back into his bag. He stands, zipping his trousers back up and buckling his belt. 

When he turns again Zayn is standing next to the bed. He has he jeans pulled back up with his hand shoved down the front as he adjust himself.

He looks flustered and dazed. Hair mussed up from both his own and Matts fingers tugging at it. His cheeks are red, the blotches going down his neck and the small part of his chest Matt can see.

He looks fucked. Wreaked. Beautiful.

Zayn gives him a sheepish smile, taking a few steps towards him. 

"Hey" Matt pulls Zayn closer, gently tipping his head up to look at him.  
"Four more days, then you are out and we can do all the things you want." Zayn sighs, running his hand over Matt's chest, fingers circling the buttons of his shirt.  
"I know. I'm just so ready for us to be real."  
"We are real."  
"I know. I just- I've never had anything that has felt so good and so right. Nobody has made me feel like I'm worth something the way you do. You make me want to be my best. So I just want to be like normal couples." Matt kisses his forehead, hands sliding round to his back to hold him tighter.  
" Four days baby." He leans his head down to kiss him sighing happily when the kiss gets deeper, Zayn gripping onto his shirt. Matts hand slides up to cup the back of his neck before moving round to hold his throat. Zayn leans into the touch, letting out a small whimper. Matt tightens his grip, heat spreading over him when he feels Zayn go slack at the added pressure.

He stops kissing him hand still holding his neck, then he pushes him back into the wall feeling his pulse pumping under his fingers. Zayn closes his eyes, Matt's name coming out as a small whimper.

Its like a dam breaking. All of Matt shelf control bursting out of the cracks in the wall and sending everything crashing to the floor. Then it's like he steps out of himself and is watching breath completely knocked out of him as he crowds against Zayn, crashing their lips together in a biting bruising kiss.

Zayns hands are straight on Matt's shirt, fingers working fast to undo the buttons as Matt starts pushing down Zayn's trousers, hand cupping his dick as soon as he can. Zayn's moan is muffled by the kiss, he is rock hard against Matts hand as his hip stutter out pushing against him harder.

Matt pushes Zayn's trousers and boxers down as far as he can, helping Zayn step out of them, looking down at him with a groan.  
"Fuck." He lifts Zayn's leg up to his hip kissing him again as he presses his finger against him. Zayn gasps, pushing back into his touch.  
"Lube next to bed."  
"Lube. Yes lube." Zayn pushes him towards the bed and Matt stumbles to his bedside table to grab the lube.  
Matt shakes his head, stomach clenching and white flashing across his eyes as he thinks about Zayn spread out on the bed fingers knuckle deep in himself. He has to take a steadying breath before rushing back to Zayn already spreading lube on his fingers.

He hooks his leg back up then pushes a finger in. Zayn hisses, pressing his face into Matts neck as he starts pumping his finger, Zayn rolling his hips, cock catching on Matts jeans as he does. Matt slides another into him, Zayn's grip on him tightening.  
"Be quite." Zayn nods, biting down gently on Matts shoulder as he adds a third finger, and starts opening him up. Zayn moans into Matts skin, hips moving faster as he fucks down on his hand. Once he feels open enough Matt removes his fingers taking the lube back out of his pocket. Zayn drops his leg, unbuckling Matts belt and unzipping the fly. Matt pushes them down just enough to get his dick out. Zayn takes the bottle squirting lube onto his palm to spread over Matts cock. Matt has to bite down on his lip to keep quite at the feeling of Zayn's hand on him as he fucks into his fist.

His hands are shaking as he reaches out to remove Zayn's top, desperate to get him naked. The material tears as he yanks it but neither of them can bring themselves to care about it right now both far to focused on just fucking already. Matt spins Zayn, a small sound of surprise slipping from Zayn's lips as he pushes him into the wall parting his cheeks slightly before pushing into him in one move. Zayn cries out into his arm, arching his back and fucking back as Matt thrusts forward. Matt rests his head against Zayn's back, one hand gripping his waist as the other wraps in his hair.  
"You feel fucking incredible." Matt keeps changing the angle until Zayn let's out a breathy moan, body juddering. 

"Fuck." Matt looks down watching himself fuck in and out of Zayn, hand sliding over the curve of his back his muscle tensing as he fucks back into Matt their skin slapping together. 

"Fuck Zayn." Zayn turns his head to the side, resting it against the wall his eyes wide and his lips parted. He starts trying to reach around for Matt, hands slapping back to the wall as each thrust jolts him forward. 

He feels so tight and warm and wet around Matt it makes colours flash behind his eyes. Like loads of mini fireworks going off that make his ears buzz and his heart swell and his stomach tighten and so many good things that keep growing and growing. 

"Ma-oh god, I-Matt." Zayn is trying to reach for him again, one hand still pressed to the wall his fingers clawing and scratching. He looks frantic, head dropping as he moans and shakes. Matt pulls out, quickly helping him straighten up and turn to face him again. 

"Hold my shoulders." Zayn looks so out of it he is not sure if he was even listening to him but after a few breaths he grips both of Matt's shoulders, his eyes flicking up to meet Matt's as he is hoisted up by both legs. Matt makes sure he is secure enough before dropping one hand down to get a grip on himself and line back up. He pushes back in slower letting himself take in the way Zayn's body judders and tightens with the slide. He must hit his prostate dead on this time because Zayn lets out a moan that is too loud for the room and digs his nails hard into Matt's skin. Matt starts thrusting again, one hand wrapped around the back of Zayn's knee the other resting against the wall beside his head. Zayn's body slides against the wall, his fingers starting to drag across his skin. It feels good. The pain mixed with the unbelievable pleasure. He has no idea how he does not come the second Zayn's nail digs too hard into his skin. He also has no idea how either of them are managing to stay quite enough when Matt feels like he could scream with how overwhelming it all feels. 

Zayn's head flops forward,his face pressing into the side of Matt's neck as he suddenly start moaning and biting and scratching more. 

"Matt. Matt. Too much. Oh god I can't. Matt I can't." He get louder, one hand leaving his shoulder to slap against the wall as he starts attempting to fuck down on Matt's cock.  
"Shh, It's OK baby I got you. Gotta be quite. I'm so close are you?" Zayn's head suddenly falls back, a soft thud as it hits the wall. His eyes widen and his chest heaves.

"it feels-fuck Matt." He lets out a sob, head starting to shake from side to side. He seems to have lost control completely, ignoring Matt as he tells him to be quite. He can't seem to decide if he wants Matt closer or further away, pushing and pulling at his shoulder. He is trying to lift his legs higher while also trying to move his hips faster. Matt can only grip onto him tightly and keep fucking up into him trying to kiss and sooth him.

"I got you baby. I got you. Doing so good. Feel so good. Gonna make me come." Zayn cries out, body giving a violent jerk. Matt covers his mouth with his hand, pushing him harder into the wall speeding his thrust up his stomach starting to tighten. Zayn pushes against Matt's hand his body going taunt, his scream muffled as he starts to come. He tightens around Matt pushing his own orgasm from him as he starts spilling inside him. Zayn is still coming after Matt has stopped, soaking both their fronts as he pants loudly his eyes fluttering closed as he slumps in Matts arms. Matt groans, giving a few more lazy thrusts before stepping back from the wall and clumsily walking them over to Zayn's bed.

They land in a heap, Zayn tucked under Matt as they kiss. Zayn's breathing is still erratic. Matt trails kisses down his neck and chest where can feel his heart slamming.

"Are you OK?" Zayn doesn't answer, eyes once again wide as he looks up at the ceiling.

"Breath baby. Was that to fast?" Zayn shakes his head,sinking into bed as he relaxes a little. 

"I haven't... I've never." He let's out a shaky breath. "I have never come like that before from sex. I have never come from sex, always had to do it myself after. What the hell was that." Matt smiles, presses small kisses to Zayn's chin. His own breathing was still trying to get back to normal, his arms and legs burning from holding Zayn up and he felt sweaty and gross. 

But he had Zayn naked underneath him and he was still inside him with his come leaking out. He had made him feel good and that was what he had wanted to do all along. 

"That my beautiful boy was a prostate orgasm. Great hey?" Zayn lets out a laugh that sounds a little crazy as he tugs hard on Matt's hair. 

"Again. Do it again." Zayn starting to roll his hips making Matt hiss with how sensitive he felt. 

"Hang on, give me time." Zayn shakes his head, feet hooking over his bum.

"No, no time. Come one do it again. Fuck Matt please it was so fucking good." 

"I will i just need a few more seconds. let me just get there babe." Zayn slumps back, hand tangling in his own hair. Matt chuckles at the inpatient look on his face, lifting his hips a little so he can move his belt buckle to the side so it doesn't dig into Zayn.

"You never got your prostate before?" Zayn throat bobbed as he swollows. Matt watches the movement before trailing his eyes down to Zayn's chest, a little damp with sweat. He has a couple of tattoos there so Matt dips down to kiss them, leaving his lips just hovering over the marked skin once he is done.

"No, umm-" Zayn clears his throat. "Never managed no. I didn't think it would be quite that intense. I definitely would have tried harder."Matt doesn't mention that it wasn't just Zayn that should have tried harder. That he had been sleeping with someone that he was far too good for and they should have been willing to at least fuck him right.

"Well you got me to take care of that now. You sure your up for more?"

"If you can take it then yeah."Matt bites just above Zayn's nipple making him curse and moan at the same time.

"Cheeky."

They fuck again on the bed this time a little less frantic. Matt kisses over Zayn's face and over his neck and across his chest, Zayn's hands touching whatever part of Matt they can reach as they move together. Zayn seems less shocked this time when his orgasm hits but he still reacts a little startled by the intensity of it as he spills between them with a soft cry. Matt follows after a few more thrust, groaning into Zayn's neck as he comes. 

Matt pulls out once he has caught his breath again, Zayn grimacing at the come already dripping from him. Matt finds a clean sock by the bed and uses it to clean him up a little, pressing a kiss to a small red mark just below his cheek where his belt had been pressing into his skin. 

Once Zayn seems more comfortable Matt lays on his back on the floor, chest still heaving slightly,his brain whirling as what they just done fills his head. Being inside someone had never felt like that before. He had never felt so close and protective of someone while having sex with them. 

Zayn's feet that had been hanging over the side of the bed disappear. The mattress creeks then Zayn smiling face appears. He slips off the bed, kneeling my Matt's feet, hands tucking into the top of his trousers and boxers that are still bundled up at his ankles. He yanks them off with his socks, throwing them onto the bed as he crawls up his legs. 

"What ya do-oh." Zayn curls his hand around Matt's dick, slowly stroking him as he leans over to kiss him. 

"Again?" He mumbles against Zayn's lips, quickly sucking his bottom one in between his before realising it. 

"Again." Zayn lines himself up, Matt holding his waist as he slowly lowers down onto him. 

He keeps his movements slow. Hips rolling slightly as he raises himself up and lowers down again. He takes his time to really feel Matt inside him. Each push and drag against him. Matt slides his hand up his chest, swirling his fingers around his nipples before sitting up to kiss him. Zayn holds the back of his head, deepening the kiss until they are just panting and licking into each other mouths. 

Matt aches a little, and he imagines Zayn must too but he could do this all night. He thinks he could be inside Zayn for the rest of his life and be just fine with it. 

This time when Zayn comes he holds Matt close to him so he can feel every shake and jolt of his body. He has to bite down on his arm he comes inside him for a third time, Zayn keeping his movements slow so its like its being dragged out of him.

"Fuck Zayn." Matt clings onto Zayn's back, his cock giving another pulse as more come spills into him. "Baby, so perfect." Zayn looks dazed as he looks down at him, raising himself up until Matt slips out, come dripping down onto his cock. 

"Matt. Matt i think-" Zayn cuts off his head snapping up as a door bangs from outside.

"Shit." Zayn falls off Matt already scrambling for his clothes as Matt does the same panic filling him.

"Fuck. Fucking hell." Zayn kicks Matt clothes into a pile as Matt shoves the bottle of lube back into the draw and grabs his bag and shoes by the door. There is another bang closer to Zayn's room followed by loud knocking.

"They are not quite are they." Zayn laughs, picking up Matt's clothes and shoving them into his hand.

"Hide."

"What!" Matt spins, Zayn slapping his arse when his back is to him.

"They are fast. Get in the wardrobe."

"Zayn! Are you serious." Zayn laughs again, pushing Matt towards the small wardrobe in the corner of the room. Matt scowls at him as he shoves him into the wardrobe, his arm hitting the door as he falls in.

"Naughty boy." He winks then shuts the door. Matt holds his stuff closer to himself and tries to work out how he could talk his way out of this if he is caught naked and covered in come in Zayn's room. 

There are three loud knocks on Zayn's door before it opens. Matt tries to peak out between the gap in the doors to see if Zayn at least had time to put some trousers on but he cant see anything at all. 

"You all set for bed?" Matt narrows his eyes, trying to match the voice to a face but can't.

"Yep all good Maria thanks." Maria. He thinks he knows a Maria. Zayn's face has distracted him from getting to know a lot of the staff. 

"Okay, have a nice sleep Zayn."

"Thanks love, night." Matt almost coos, hugging his bundle of clothes to his face. Zayn opens the door a few seconds later. Matt stumbles out dropping his stuff to kiss and hug Zayn. 

"Your are so cute and friendly to people now." Zayn laughs pushing Matt away from his face.

"I thought you would be freaking out."

"Nah, i'm kinda drunk on your arse right now. I will freak out in a few hours i'm sure. Would have be so fucked if she saw me." Zayn smiles, biting at Matt lips.

"I wouldn't mind being fucked again."

"Oh Christ. You are going to break me young man."

xxxxxxxx

Matt marches into his parents house a determined look set on his face as he heads towards the kitchen. 

Both of them are sat at the kitchen table a tea pot between them. His dad's face was buried in his newspaper, his mum painting her nails. 

"This is unexpected darling. A lovely treat would you like some tea?" Matt stands by the table, fist curled at his sides.

"Zayn is being released tomorrow." Matt's mum's hand pauses mid stroke. His dad lowers his paper looking confused.

"Who is Zayn?"

"One of Matthews patients." His mum pops the lid back on her nail varnish, giving him a stern look. 

"Yes he is one of my patients. He is being released tomorrow and I know you want the best for me and you only mean well so thank you for caring and giving me advice but, and I'm really sorry if this worries you, but I'm not sorry for anything else, I'm in love with him and I plan to be with him. Hopefully for a really long time."

"Mat-" Matt lifts his hands up, shaking his head. 

"No. You don't get an opinion and you don't get to say anything. I am in love for the first time and it's really amazing and he is amazing and if you just gave him a chance I know you will like him and see what I see. I can imagine it all with him mum. Marriage and kids. Growing old. I want that with him. I love him so much." There is silence for what feels like too long. His parents looking at each other in what seems to be a silent conversation. Eventually his mum lets out a sigh not looking happy at all. 

"I just want you to be happy. I hope he is everything you think he is." 

"He is. You will see." Matt leaves with his heart slamming in his chest and a smile stretching across his face because Zayn is everything. 

xxxxxxxxx

Matt leans against the side of his car, key swinging around his fingers. He can just make out Zayn standing in the reception area saying goodbye to Stanley. He has butterflies in his belly as he waits. This feels so new. Like he is meeting Zayn for the first time. This is the first day of his new life. Of their new life. They could become so much more after this. They will become more and he knows its going to be the best thing in his life. Zayn is going to be the best thing in his life,for the rest of his life. He just knows it. 

Zayn finally steps out, looking a little awestruck as he drags his suitcase behind him. Stanley follows, hand on his shoulder giving Matt a small wave as they stop on the path across from Matt. 

They say a few more words before Zayn suddenly leaps forward to hug Stanley. Matt smiles, his throat tightening slightly as he watches them embrace. Stanley has done so much for Zayn while he was staying here and both of them would forever be thankful for that. Finally Zayn straightens up, gripping his suitcase tightly as he crosses over to Matt. He is smiling, his head tilting to the side.

"Where are my parents?" Matt takes Zayn's suitcase, walking it round to the back of the car.

"They agreed to give me a couple of hours." Matt places the suitcase in the boot, chuckling at Zayn's confused expression.

"How? They know?" Matt walks back over to Zayn opening the passenger door for him.

"Um yeah. I spoke to them yesterday. Your mum had us pegged from her first visit and she wanted to clear a few things up before you got home."

"Clear what up? She is not going to report you is she?"

"No. Nothing like that. There are some rules. They want to get it right this time Zayn, they have both said they are happy for us. They are happy your happy." Zayn still looks confused, blinking back at Matt but saying nothing.

"Also I do remember you saying that I had to ask you out on a date as soon as you got out so...wanna go on a date with me?" Zayn lifts up on his tip toes, pressing a kiss to Matt's mouth. 

"Yes. please, so badly." 

"Well get in then sir." Matt takes Zayn's hand helping him get into the car, both of them smiling like idiots. Matt shuts the door, jogging around to his side.

Once he is in they both look at each other, smiles still stretching.

"How do you feel?" Zayn puffs out a breath, looking out the car. 

"Amazing. I feel amazing and excited and the best i have ever felt." Matt takes his hand, noticing but not pointing out the wetness to Zayn's eyes and the way the tip of his nose is slightly red. 

"Me too baby. So excited for you." Zayn nods, wiping his arm across his nose.

"For us. I'm excited for us too." 

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Matt takes him to a lake that is a little out of the city. He figures somewhere quite where they can be alone is the best place to start. Zayn may be feeling pretty good and positive but it was going to take a few days for him to feel normal out in the world again. For now it was best to take it easy so he could be relaxed. 

"This is kinda awesome. Have you been before?" Matt helps Zayn jump down from a rock, leading him towards the waters edge.

"My dad brought me sometimes when I was younger. I kept coming out a few times a month to clear my head. It's one of my favourite places. I have never brought anyone here before." Zayn smiles at him as he walks to the edge of the lake, leaning forward slightly to look into the water.

"The water is so clear. Can you swim in it?" Matt stands next to him, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"When it's warm enough yeah." Zayn bends down to slip his shoes and socks off, rolling his jeans up. Matt copies him both of them sitting down to dip their feet in the water.

"Cold" Zayn kicks his feet, wiggling his toes before hooking them around Matts.

"Thanks for showing me. Its calm here. I like calm." Matt watches Zayn as he looks around, a happy smile on his face as he takes in the scenery.

"Well whenever you need a calm moment just let me know and we can come here. We can draw or read or just sit and do nothing. Swim." Zayn turns to look back at Matt, the corner of his eyes crinkling.

"You like me being happy don't you?" Matt thinks like might be a bit of an understatement. Matt would do anything just to get a small smile from Zayn. He would give up everything he had to make sure Zayn had a happy life.

"I really do." Zayn shuffles closer, resting his head on Matts shoulders, his hand resting on Matts knee.

"So what do people do on first dates?" Matt breaths out, lips puckering.

"They get to know each other, but we already know a lot about each other." Zayn's fingers spread out over Matt's knee, his thumb rubbing a small circle.

"Do they kiss?"

"Not until the end of the date normally. If the date has gone well. We can kiss now if you want, we don't have to stick to any rules." Zayn lifts his head up, hand leaving Matt's knee to cup his cheek. 

"I like that idea. Us not sticking to any rules. Just doing what we want. I want a lot with you Matt and I don't think I want to keep waiting for it. When we want something we just do it yeah?" Matt swollows, his heart swelling in his chest with the love he has for his boy. 

His boy.

"Be my boyfriend? Like proper. I want a lot with you too." Zayn's eyes roam his face, his thumb rubbing along his bottom lip before he leans forward and closes the gap between them in a slow, soft kiss that has Matt's toes curling in the water and his stomach jumping. Zayn moves to straddle his lap, water sloshing as his feet lift out of the water. Matt's hands slide under Zayn's jumper, fingers running over the ridges of his spine before setting just above the band of his jeans. The kiss stays slow, Zayn's breath ghosting over Matt's face as their lips move together. 

Soft. Everything about Zayn is so soft. He has always seen it. Even when he first walked into Stanley's office high and shoving his bad attitude in everyone faces. He has always seen the softness to him and he thinks he might have loved it from the moment he saw it. 

It's not going to be easy. Zayn will shut down and push him away. There was going to be temptation and fights and he might even relapse but Matt was so sure they would be able to pull through it all together. Anything that comes their way would be dealt with because they will be together. 

"I've never had a boyfriend before." Zayn pulls back just enough to talk, lips brushing over Matt's. Matt takes his hands out from Zayn's jumper. He takes his hands, bringing both up between them to rest against Zayn's chest. He could feel Zayn's heart thumping as he flattens their hands out. 

"I'm going to take care of this you know. You can trust me, i'm never going to hurt you or let anyone else. We are in this together now. You don't have to do anything alone anymore. That's what boyfriends are all about." Zayn closes his eyes, breathing in deeply.

"Okay. That sounds nice, boyfriend." Matt grins, flipping them so Zayn is on his back. Zayn lets out a startled laugh, pretending to be annoyed when Matt's feet flick cold water over both their legs. Matt kisses away his protest, hands pressing his wrist down into the soft grass. 

They kiss like this for a while. Innocent and long. Tongues darting out for a quick taste every now and then. It's nice that even though they are still on a time limit for Matt to get Zayn back to his parents, it feels the most normal they ever have. They are not hiding in a room and avoiding being to obvious around each other. There is no phone alarm about to go off warning them of being caught. It's just him and Zayn and the lake and the cool breeze rustling the trees. This is what it will be like all the time from now. 

Once they stop kissing, lips puffy and short of breath, Matt jumps up leaving Zayn sprawled on the grass as he starts gathering small stones. 

"What are you doing?" Zayn clambers up, straightening out his jumper and hair as he watches Matt who is now piling stones into his t shirt. 

"Gathering stones."

"Is this some kind of psychotherapy shit?" Matt laughs, wondering slowly back to Zayn, eyes on the ground for anymore suitable stones. 

"I still love how that word sounds coming from you but no, we are gonna do some stone skipping." Zayn raises his eyebrow as Matt dumps the stones by their feet.

"Stone skipping?" Matt gasps, clutching a stone in his hand.

"I am disgusted, you really don't know what stone skipping is?" Zayn shakes his head, holding his hand out as Matt offers him a stone. 

Matt holds his stone up before turning to the lake and throwing it. Zayn watches as it skips across the water six times before sinking. 

"Well that's cool." Matt beams, clapping his hands together.

"You go." Matt bounces on his feet, excited. It felt good to do something a little childish with Zayn. He sometimes worried that Zayn would always think of their relationship as it was in the rehab centre. He didn't want Zayn to think the time they spent together would always be about Matt working out his thoughts and trying to get him to talk. When he started gathering stones Zayn's first thought was Matt was going to go all therapy one him. For them to work Zayn needed to understand that part of their lives is mostly in the past. 

"Okay then." Zayn sounds unsure as he turns to the lake, holding his hand out. Matt grins, already seeing that Zayn is holding his hand all wrong for the throw. He glances at Matt once before swinging his hand back and letting go. The stone goes quite far then lands straight into the water with a plop. Zayn pouts as Matt snorts out a laugh.

"Don't be mean."

"I'm sorry. look-" Matt picks up another stone making a show of how he holds his hand out. Zayn's eye focus on him. Matt finds it adorable how serious he suddenly seems. Matt throws, flicking his wrist as he lets go. The stone skims the water five times.

Zayn tries again looking determined as he throws. The stone sinks straight away. Zayn lets out a huff already bending down for another. He keeps going, his throws becoming more erratic each time. Matt throws next to him not even attempting to hide his amusement each time Zayn huffs at his stone skimming. 

"Here let me help." Zayn freezes, his arm held back ready to throw. Matt sands behind him, pushing his arm down a little and moving it all out to the side. 

"You are being to hard. Just ease in with your arm and flick your wrist as you let go." Matt positions Zayn's hand before slipping the stone he was holding out of his fingers. He looks down at the pile, chewing on his bottom lip as he tries to find the best one. He finally picks up a flat white stone, smoothing his hand over the surface before placing it into Zayn's finger.

"Keep it steady, flick your wrist." Matt presses a kiss below Zayn's ear then steps back to watch. 

Zayn grumbles something that Matt does not catch but still makes him laugh. Zayn holds his arm back, his movement much calmer this time as he throws. Matt counts out loud as the stone skimps three times. 

Zayn lets out a cheer, pointing towards the water as he jumps. 

"I done it!" He laughs loudly, jumping in a circle before leaping at Matt who catches him easily. 

"I did it! Three jumps! That's awesome right? I love you." His smile drops, laugh catching in his throat. Matt lets him slip from his arms, his feet hitting the ground. 

Matt can tell he is panicking, and god he doesn't want him to panic at all because Matt heart is soaring and he doesn't think he will ever forget the moment those words come out of Zayn's mouth. He can't work out if he is going to cry or laugh but he ends up doing both. Zayn looks startled at the mix between a laugh and a sob as Matt pulls him in closer. 

"I love you too. I'm so in love with you." Zayn relaxes in his arms, his own arms circling around Matts waist. 

"I didn't know. I didn't understand, It's so much more then- "

"It's okay. You know now. I love you." Zayn looks up at him, eyes still filled with a small bit of panic.

"I love you. We love each other." Matt nods, wiping his eyes with the back of his hands. 

"We do." Zayn leans up to kiss him, holding the kiss for a moment. 

"You love me. You know all this stuff about me and you still love me?" Matt nods,kissing over his face. 

"It made me love you more." Zayn pushes his face into Matt's neck. His attempt to hide he is starting to cry even thought Matt can feel the wetness drip onto his shoulder. 

"Thank you. For loving me." Matt nods, his chin trembling as he curls into Zayn more. 

"Thank you for letting me." 

xxxxxxx

Zayn's house is in the centre of the city. His street is lined with shops, his house right next to a small Chinese takeaway and flats. Matt parks on the street in front of his house, behind what he guesses to be his parents car. He looks nervous as Matt stops the car, his grip on his seat belt whitening his knuckles. Matt just tries not to think about a younger Zayn being thrown out the door as he unbuckles. 

"Are you okay?" Zayn gives a jerky nod, unbuckling himself.

"Yeah. I think so. Are you coming in with me?" Matt nods, trying to keep the smile on his face even though Zayn's nerves are starting to seep into him. 

"Yes. Your parents have already invited me for lunch."

"Okay. That's good. Weird but good."

"Do you need some time?" Zayn looks over to Matt, the worry clear on his face.

"No let's just go in and get on with it."

"Alright. I will get your case." Matt gets out the car, taking a few breaths as he gets Zayn's suitcase out of the boot. If he is feeling nervous about it then Zayn must be feeling ten times worse.

Matt meets Zayn on the pavement, holding his hand out for him to hold as they walk up the small path to the front door.

The door opens as they approach, Trisha standing with her hands clutched in front of her.

"Hello love, how are you feeling?" Zayn shrugs, already looking past her and into the house.

"I'm good." Trisha steps to the side to let Matt and Zayn in.

Zayn's house is a lot warmer then Matt expecting. Homely and welcoming as soon as you step passed the door.

All light pastel colours with modern furniture. A proper family home.

Whatever Trisha was cooking for lunch smelt beautiful, adding to the feeling.

Zayn's grip on Matts hand tightens his eyes darting around as they walk through the lounge area.

"Can I get you a drink Matthew?"

"A tea wound be lovely thanks. I take it the same as Zayn."Matt realises as soon as he says it that Trisha probably has no idea how her sons drinks his tea. She looks awkward, her mouth twisting slightly. Matt clears his throat pulling Zayn closer to him.

"Milk, one sugar." She nods, looking tense as she disappears into the kitchen. Matt drops Zayn's case down, following her with Zayn lagging behind slightly. Trisha is moving around the kitchen, her movements jerky and clumsy. She is just as nervous as Zayn is. This was going to be a big step for them all.

"Is it just you?" Zayn sounds timid and it suddenly doesn't feel right. Zayn in this space does not feel right. He seems smaller here. Matt doesn't like it at all.

"Your sister needed help getting home from dance." She turns suddenly, spoon clattering to the worktop. Zayn flinches at the sound.

"He wanted to be here. We had a lift arrange but they couldn't do it and it was last minute. He really did want to be here for you getting back, he was upset he wouldn't be." Matt looks across at Zayn but can't work out what he is thinking, his face completely blank.

"It's fine. I wouldn't want her walking or getting the bus. She is still doing well?" Trisha nods, looking relived.

"Yes. She does street now." Zayn's eyebrows shoot up in surprise. Matt remembers Zayn saying before that his sister enjoyed Street dancing but their parents had not liked it.

"She always wanted to learn properly." Trisha turns back to the kettle, busying herself with the tea.

"I know. It was wrong of us to stop her." They both fall silent, Zayn looking down at his and Matts hands.

Trisha places three mugs on the table once she has finished, motioning for Matt to take a seat at the table.

"You don't have to be at work today do you?" Matt sits down between Zayn and his mum, thanking her for his drink.

"Not work no, but I have Uni this evening."

"What course is it you do?"

"Psychotherapeutic counselling." Zayn answers for him, his lips twitching as he speaks. Matt sends him a look, curling his hand around his mug.

"Well that sounds interesting." They fall into easy conversation about Uni, Zayn asking a few questions as he sip slowly on his tea the tension slowly leaving his shoulders.

The door bangs open while Trisha is making a second cup of tea for them all. The sound of a bag hitting the floor is followed by quick footsteps. Zayn stands up looking weary as Waliyha barrels into the room, slamming into Zayn.

Zayn crouches down to hug his sister properly and Matt has to look away. He meets Trisha eyes, a sad smile on her face. Like the rest of the family Waliyha is beautiful, so much of Zayn and their mother in her face. 

Its awkward when his dad comes in. They greet each other nicely but he eyes Matt in a way that makes him feel on edge.

"I'm just going to take my stuff into my room before lunch." Zayn ruffles his sisters hair before leaving the room.

"Lunch smells amazing Mrs Malik." Trisha smiles handing her husband a tea while Waliyha grabs herself a can of coke out of the fridge.

"Thank you. Vegetable curry, my mothers recipe. She used to cook it for Zayn when he was a little boy."

"I can't wait to try it. I'm sure Zayn will be excited to have it again." Zayn comes back into the room. Matt can tell straight away that something is bothering him. Eyebrows furrowed and shoulders hunched as he sits back down at the table.

Matt wants to ask what's wrong but he knows he won't tell him here. Not with his mum fussing about and his sister's excited chatter and the way his dad is looking between them.

Waliyha is telling Zayn about her dance class, her voice high with excitement. Matt places his hand over Zayn's knee, moving his chair closer until their shoulders are touching.

Its too much. Trisha is trying to hard to be normal and Waliyha is talking too much and too fast and he can feel Zayn wants to just get out.

Matt doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want to upset them by telling them to stop. He can't make a bad Impression on his family but he also can't ignore Zayn's obvious distress.

I'm the end he doesn't have to do anything. Yaser holds his hand up with a small laugh.

"Waliyha your are filling your brothers head with too much chatter, calm down sweetie. He just got here you have plenty of time to tell him about all your classes and friends." Waliyha flushes red, looking a little sheepish as she sinks down on the chair next to Zayn.

"Sorry Zayn. I'm really happy you are home." Zayn smiles, placing his hand on her back.

"It's okay. Tell me some more later yeah?" She nods, looking pleased.

"Well-" Trisha opens a cupboard pulling out some bowls and plates. "Lunch should be good to go. Yaser could you grab everyone a glass please. Waliyha some cutlery. Let's feed these boys."

"Can I do anything Mrs Malik?"

"No thank you. You just sit there and relax. And call me Trisha please."

X

Lunch goes well.

Zayn stays mostly quite, eyeing everyone like he expects them to suddenly ask him to leave.  
When he does talk he seems to be overthinking what he says. Worried that he might make a mistake.

Matt tries to pick the talking up for him. Asking his family any questions he can think of. He sends Waliyha off on another excited babble of dance talk that Zayn seems to enjoy listening to this time, smiling down into his food as she chats away.

He is surprised to find out Trisha works at a law firm when he had always imagine her doing something completely opposite.

Yaser is a taxi driver, and he goes off on some stories that Trisha and Waliyha have very obviously heard a thousand times and Zayn has just heard for the first time.

Its not long after the plates have been cleared away that Zayn vanishes into his room.

Trisha looks worried, her hands twisting in a tea towel she has been drying up dishes with.

"It's a big change." Matt speaks up "I don't think he was expecting it to be like this and he will be waiting for the moment its all taken away from him again. He has been hurting for a long time. You have to give him time to realise and trust this is how it's going to be now. You haven't shown him love. He needs to learn it again."

"Yes of course." Yaser take the towel form Trisha to dry his hands. "We just want to get it right this time. We have a lot of making up to do."

"I'm just going to go check in on him. Lunch was beautiful, thank you."

"You're welcome. His room is the second one on the right." Matt leaves, taking the stairs two at a time. Zayn's bedroom door is open. Matt pushes it closed behind him. Zayn is standing next to his bed, his back to Matt.

His room smells like fresh paint and it's a lot neater then he imagined. Obviously he didn't spend much time here but for some reason Matt pictured art stuff all over the place and clothes dumped on the floor. It was how his room at the centre had been starting to look.

"Are you okay?" Zayn shrugs his shoulders. He turns to Matt his face crumbling.

"It wasn't like this before. I didn't have a bed. My furniture was broken. They got me new stuff. They done my room. It wasn't like this before . It's just a lot. All of it is a lot. This isn't-its a lot. I think I need to just be in here for a bit. I'm sorry do you mind leaving. I need space " Matt pushes away the hurt that prickles at him. This was about what Zayn wanted. Zayn wouldn't always want Matt there.

"Of course I can. Do you want me to leave my mobile number?" Zayn nods.  
"I will leave it with your mum then. Text me whenever. Don't let it get too much, just text me okay?" Zayn nods again, wrapping his arms around himself.

Matt steps forward to kiss his cheek.  
"I love you." Zayn leans into him.

"I love you too." Matt leaves the room and the feeling he thought would leave him once Zayn was home hasn't. He still feels like he is leaving a part of himself behind.

He goes back into the kitchen to thank Trisha again for lunch and to leave his number with her.

"Just give him time," He tells them once he sees the worry still there. "Let him take some time to himself whenever he needs. Just make sure to check on him if it's been a while. It will remind him you are there and you care but you are willing to give him his space. Maybe from now on just let him know when your all sitting down for dinner or whatever other family activities you do and then leave him to make the choice to come join or not. Don't be hurt if he leaves halfway though. It's a slow process but if you get it right it's going to have the result you all want. Let me know if you think he needs me."He taps his finger on the paper with his number on then goes.

Xxxxx

Matt practically throws himself into his flat when he gets back from uni, tripping as he kicks his shoes off.

He brings up Zayn's number, hopping around when the strap of his bag wrapped around his foot.

"Hello"

"Really Zayn? Your first ever text message to me-" Matt let's out a growl, bending down to untangle his foot before he ends up on his arse.  
"-is a picture or your dick?" Zayn giggles manically, the sounds of bed sheets ruffling. Matt groaned closing his eyes.

"I miss laying in bed with you. I miss your dick."

"Are you hard?"

"Zayn I cannot have phone sex with you knowing your parents are down the hallway. Oh god but your dick is amazing and yes I am hard. I was in a lecture you animal." Matt goes into his room, falling straight onto his bed with a huff.

"I miss you. How was the rest of the day?"

"It was alright. Mum made me loads of tea and dad kept poking his head into my room. Felt like a baby."

"If you don't like it you can ask them to stop. They won't mind."

"No. No it's cool. It's whatever." Matt smiles.

"Whatever indeed. I'm glad it's going okay."

"Me too I guess. I miss you too by the way. And I like super love you." Matt rolls on his stomach, feet kicking in the air.

"I love you too. Wanna go on another date tomorrow?"

"Yeah. I'm sure I can free up some time to be wined and dined." Matt snorts.

"Course you can."

"One condition though."

"Shoot."

"You don't go all gentleman on me. I just had weeks of you holding back. We are gonna fuck okay? You can do your nice date and then you take me back to your flat and you can fuck me." Matt runs his hand over the bed, heat curling in his stomach.

"Condition accepted and I change my mind about phone sex I wanna hear you come like right now."

Xxxxxxx

Matt pulls up outsides Zayn's house humming to the radio as he sends him a quick text to let him know he is outside.

He checks his hair in the mirror while he waits.

For their second date they had ended up going go kart racing which Matt lost and was fine with when he saw the look on Zayns face when he took his helmet off. It also helped that Zayn shoved him into the toilet after and sucked his dick.

For their third date they where just going to a diner for some food so they could talk more and Matt can make sure Zayn is doing good.

Work had been super shit without Zayn about and he kinda hated someone else being in his room so he was looking forward to seeing him.

When Zayn finally comes out of the house he slams the door closed behind him, face like thunder as he walks to the car.

He throws himself into the seat, yanking so hard on the seat belt it jams and he has to do it again.

"Hey what's happened?"

"Just my mum being a dick."

"What she do?" Zayn shove his hair off his face leaning over to give Matt a kiss before slumping back again.

"She apparently is worried about me, saying I've just come out rehab and it might not be in my best interest to be going out so much and throwing myself to deep into my relationship. That I should focus on myself more."

"Do you think you should go back in?"

"No. I want to have a nice evening with you and I want you to cheer me up." Matt stares at him for a bit before letting it go and pulling the car away. He really didn't want to be the cause of any friction in Zayn's family. He had taken him out two nights in a row and his parents where probably just trying to set up some ground rules.  
Which is some ways is good but in other ways not. Zayn had basically lived without parents for three years, it was going to take a lot for him to adjust to it.

Zayn huffs suddenly turning to face Matt.

"It just really fucks me off how she thinks she can act like a parent now. I was fourteen Matt, fucking fourteen and she and my dad threw me, actually literally threw me out of the house because I thought I might enjoy having some dick up my arse. They knew I was struggling, they knew I was getting messed up on drugs and dealing and they fucking knew everyone was shitting on me and they knew all I needed was for them to step the fuck up and be parents but they let me fucking rot. Now they feel bad cause I nearly died and they don't get to just go back to be my parents like all that shit didn't happen. They would be the reason I fucking relapse not you. You keep me fucking clean and they are stupid to not see that and sometimes I still hate them so fucking much I just want to fucking scream."

Matt nods still focusing on the road.

"Scream then."

"What?" Matt glances over at Zayn before pressing the button to roll down his and Zayn's window.

"Scream. Let it out." Matt takes a deep breath and then screams. Zayn laughs, gripping the door as he leans his head out and does the same. Matt slows the car down so he can watch him. His hair blowing in the wind, his teeth showing with his smile. He looks happy and free.

He was going to marry the shit out of him one day.

X

"We are heading to a really good place right?" Matt places his fork down, swallowing his mouthful of chicken.

"Yes I think so." Matt picks up his napkin to wipe his mouth, taking in the nervous tension suddenly coming of Zayn.  
"Yeah me too. I really like what we have, I really love you, and I can see this being like a big thing. I can see us in this for the long haul." Matt tingles at that, but he gets a small but of dread too. This feels like it's going somewhere and not a good somewhere.

"I agree. I'm in love with you so of course I agree. I don't want to ever have a day without you." Zayn reaches across the table to takes Matt's hands in his, looking down at them resting by their plates of half finished food.

"Good. Same. Its just, there is something I feel like you should know. Cause honesty is important right? It's what Stanley always said. And I want to be honest with you, I want a open honest life with you." Matt starts to fidget, panic bubbling up in his chest. Zayn looks stressed. Matt racks his brains for something he might not know yet. Something that Zayn could have done before that is so bad he feels nervous telling Matt.

"Definitely. And I want you to feel like you can be open with me. I want you to be able to trust me in that way."

"It's about Niall" Matt throat suddenly feeling thick.

"OK? What about him?" Zayn hesitates, mouth opening and closing a few times before he finally speaks.

"I have feelings for him." Matt let's go of Zayn's hands without really thinking about it. It's not that bad but it stings a little. Only because Zayn never told him. He spoke about Niall loads before so why had he never said he had feelings for him before?

"What like a crush?" Matt can tell straight away it's not. It's more. Zayn looks guilty, eyes not meeting Matts. He sighs, looking around before shaking his head.

"No, like I'm in love with him." Matt recoils back, face dropping.  
In love.  
He was in love with Niall?  
He was in love with someone else.  
But he had said-

"It doesn't change anything." Zayn sound panicked, leaning over the table for Matts hand again, pulling him back towards the table.

"Doesn't change-- want does this even mean for us? If he comes back do we just end?" Matt had been thinking about marriage and kids and he knows it's too soon but he felt like that was where this was heading. Zayn felt like his forever. He had it so wrong. He was just some in between until the real thing comes along.  
But Zayn had said he loved him.  
Zayn had said he was in love with him. But how can he be?

"No! Oh god no Matt. What I feel for you is so beyond anything I have ever felt or could feel for Niall, please trust that. And I don't think he is coming back and if he did it would be for Harry. Its always going to be Harry for him and for me it will always be you. I just wanted you to know this. I want to be honest and to be able to discuss everything with you." Matt doesn't know what to say so he doesn't say anything. He is hurt. Really hurt that Zayn could feel like that about someone else when Matt is so consumed by Zayn he hardly notices other people even exist.

"Please don't be upset." Matt laughs, winching when he heard how bitter it sounds. Zayn flinched, his eyes sad as he slides back in his seat.

"You just told me you are in love with another man."

"It's not like that." Zayn's voice is low, sad. "I mean it is but it isn't. It's hard to explain okay. I love you so much you can't even imagine Matt. I don't want to be with Niall, I don't care that Niall is not here. But you? If you left i would probably die. You understand that right? You are my life now Matt, I can't imagine doing this without you anymore. Please, please don't let this change anything. I love you so much. Please Matt. I just wanted to be honest with you. Don't want secrets. Please." Matt shakes his head, trying to clear his thoughts a little. He thinks he believes Zayn, but he still loves someone else. Is that something he could live with?

Niall wasn't about, and it didn't seem like he would be coming back.  
Was it worth risking what he has with Zayn over someone who would never be in his life anymore?

And maybe if he did come back it would be okay. Matt can always be more. He can give Zayn more. Zayn wants a family. He can give him that and then it will be fine. Zayn wouldn't walk away from that.

"It's just a shock. A lot to process. I don't think it will change anything, not if we don't let it." Zayn looks relived, bringing Matts hands up to kiss his knuckles.

"We got something special yeah? Better then anything else out there."

"Defiantly. I'm so glad we found each other." Matt hopes his voice doesn't sound as stained to Zayn as it does to himself . He feels weird. A little like he is floating and now Zayn has suddenly become something he has to reach out for. He doesn't have all of him anymore.

"Me too. It's like all the stuff has a meaning and now I can just breath. You done that for me. You done so much more then anyone else ever could have. You got me back to myself. You made me realise I'm worth something, that I can get the things i want still and I can be loved. Nobody else could ever do those things for me." Matts mouth feels dry and it takes a lot of effort to smile. But he smiles and he keeps holding Zayn's hand and he forces the nasty feelings down. Zayn is his. He he here with him now.

"I will always be here to do those things. So don't worry baby, I'm not going anywhere. Stuck with me for life." Zayn's eye shine with his smile.

"That better be a promise." Matt let's go of Zayn hand to pick his fork back up, making himself laugh playfully. Makes it look like everything is fine.

"Don't got to promise. I'm just going to give you no choice. Sorry." Zayn's eyes crinkle. Matt feels like he could be sick.

"I love you so much."

But you love him too.

X

They fuck in the car after. Pulled up where its dark and nobody can see them.

Matt grips tight on Zayn's waist as he rides him, back arched and throat bared as he moans and gasps.

Matt looks down where his fingers are pushing into Zayn's flesh. The skin turning white around the tips of each finger.

He pushes them in harder. He wants to mark him. Wants his touch branded on him.

He wants to claw back the part of Zayn he felt like he had lost.

He comes so hard he blacks out for a moment. When he comes back down he realises he has sunk his teeth into Zayn shoulder, a bead of blood on his lip.

Zayn swipes it away with his thumb before turning his head to look at the bite mark. Matt leans back, heart thumping in his chest as Zayn pokes at it with a frown, hissing with the sting.

He thinks he is going to be angry but when Zayn looks back at him he has a goofy smile on his face.

"It made me come." He laughs looking back at the mark with a small frown.

Matt leans back towards Zayn so he can press a kiss to the mark, his hands roaming down Zayn's sides to feel over the bruises he left their too.

"Your mine." Zayn's head snaps up, his eyes widening slightly. He nods, teeth pushing into his bottom lip.

"Yeah. Yeah I'm yours."

Xxxx

A couple of weeks later Matt is trudging up the stairs toward his flat, his whole body heavy with the need to sleep.

He had finished at the rehab centre now and his exams were looming over his head. His uni professor was piling work on them and Matt was at the university library before the sun had risen and he didn't leave until long after it had set.

He was doing too much. He knows this, but since he knows he has his dream job just waiting for him if he passes these exams he can't stop.

He is about to slot his key into the look when he hears Zayn's voice.

He had given Zayn a key to his flat last week after him and his mum clashed again. It was clear they where all just spending too much time together. Zayn has become to independent over the years and his parents were struggling to step back. Matt figured if Zayn had a place to escape they would all cool off a little. So far it was working wonders and Zayn was becoming a lot closer to his parents then ever before.

It was bonus for Matt also because Zayn was spending nights with him and it was beyond amazing to come home to find him curled up asleep on the sofa with his sketchbook tucked to his chest.

While it was normal for Zayn to be here it was not normal for him to be talking to someone.

Matt unlocks the door and pushes it open to be met with Zayn and his mum sat together on the sofa a teapot between them.

Zayn had yet to meet Matts parents. Still uncomfortable with the idea of meeting them when he knew his mum was not such a big fan of her son dating a recovering drug addict.

Recovered.

"Mum?" She gets up, holding her arms out as she crosses over to give Matt a kiss to each cheek. She is smiling and when he looks over her shoulder Zayn is too.

"Hello dear. Me and Zayn where just discussing how you are working too hard. Look at you." She turns his head side to side with a tut.

"What is going on?"

"Well I popped by to check your fridge to see it you needed anything. You can imagine my surprise when I find a handsome stranger had already done it for me." She gives him a look that makes it clear she is not happy Matt didn't tell her about Zayn having a key.

"Handsome?"

"Very handsome. And so talented. You didn't tell me he was an artist!" Matt looks between his mum and Zayn, baffled. Linda pats his cheek once before going back over to sit with Zayn again. 

"Did you have a nice day babe?" Matt blinks then nods slowly.

"Yes. It was good."

"I made some dinner for me and Linda already. Some Korma. Would you like me to reheat you some."

"Um, yes please." Zayn gets up, walking into the kitchen area. Matt let's his bag slide of his shoulder with a thud before he slowly makes his way over to Zayn. His mum is flicking through one of Zayn sketchbooks when he passes, her fingers lightly tracings over the markings.

Zayn passes him a bottle of water laughing quietly at the confusion still on Matts face.

This was the last thing he expected.

"How long has she been here? Have you been okay?" Matt keeps his voice lowered so his mum can't hear, his hand resting on Zayn's shoulder.

"A few hours. I shat myself when she first walked in but she's been great. We have a lot in common actually. She Invited us for dinner next week so I can meet your dad." Zayn puts Matt's plate of food into the microwave.

"Stop looking so worried. I really like her Matt. And she seems to like me. She's been making me feel really comfortable. I think she likes that we both worry about you."

"I like that a lot." They both jump, turning to face Linda.

"Any boy that tells you to rests, restock your fridge and cooks for you defiantly has my approval." Linda moves a strand of Zayn's hair from his face, smiling softly at him before heading back over to the sofa.

Matt sighs, watching her get settled.

Zayn presses up against his back, arms wrapping around his waist as he puts his lips to his ear.

"Hey, if she knew how I made you come three times last night with my mouth she would know how perfect I really am." Matt grabs the dishcloth and throws it towards Zayn who ducks away with a squeal.

Xxxxxx

Matt listens to Zayn's voicemail kick in with a pout. He is driving home from his first day working at the rehab centre and was feeling pretty desperate to talk to Zayn about it.

Unfortunately Zayn was away with his parents and sister for four days doing some weird bonding thing he had been dreading. He was due back tomorrow night so it's not like they wouldn't be able to celebrate together soon but Matt had a terrible habit of missing Zayn after only five seconds.

"Hey baby it's me, Matthew. A fully qualified and employed Counsellor. Just in case you didn't know. Or just wanted to hear it again." Matt laughs at himself, checking his mirror before changing lanes.  
"I just really miss you and really wish you were here with me. Want to kiss you so badly. I hope you're all having fun though and your not being driven crazy by hippy Dippy stuff. Tell everyone i said hello. Um, yeah just love you loads. Call me back if you can. Can't wait to see you. Love you baby." Matt blows a loud kiss before hanging up. He pulls into the car park for his flat a few minutes later, parking in his usual spot before getting out.

It felt amazing having normal working hours now and being home at a decent hour to eat dinner. It just sucked not having Zayn home for it again tonight.

Zayn practically lived with him now. Spending every night at his and spending his days either alone at Matts flat working on whatever project he had going or he went home to his parents.  
It had been perfect.

He didn't even feel the slightest pathetic for struggling so much without Zayn.  
He had got disgustingly dependant on seeing his face and he loved it.

Matt jogs up the stairs stomach growling as he digs in his bag for his keys. He finally finds them, opening the door and closing it again with his foot as he takes off his bag and coat. He starts towards the kitchen trying to decide if he wants leftover Chinese or if he should stop being lazy and cook for himself.

He stops dead, all thoughts of food being punched out of his head.

Zayn smirks from where he is perched on the kitchen counter completely naked apart from one of Matt's black ties around his neck.

He is half hard already. Matt whimpers at the sight making Zayn's smirk grow as he parts his legs and leans back onto his hands.

"Hi."

"Zayn." Matt stumbles forward, then freezes again hands raised in front of him.

"Thought you might want to celebrate. I'm so proud of you babe." Matt closes the space between then, slotting between Zayn's legs and kissing him hard and desperate.

"God, the things I want to do to you right now." Zayn bites his lip eyes dark and full of lust when he pulls back.

"Show me." Matt wraps his arms around his sides , pulling him tight to him. Zayn wraps his legs around Matts waist arms hooking around his neck as he is lifted up. He kisses at Matts neck, biting and working on leaving a mark as Matt tries to get them to his bedroom without sending them both to the floor. By the time he gets Zayn on the bed his visions is blurry with how much he needs to be inside him.

Matt removes the tie, grabbing Zayn's waist to flip him on to his stomach. Zayn gasps, arse already lifting as Matt grabs his arms, pulling them behind his back. He ties his wrist together, leaning down to kiss each wrist before lifting up to kiss over the swell of his arse.

"Matt."Zayn gasps out, wrist straining. Matt hums, slowly kissing down his left cheek biting into his flesh before parting his cheeks to lick over him.

"Nngh, fuck." Zayn pushes back against Matt's tongue his wrist still straining and twisting in their restraints as Matt fucks his tongue into him, dragging his teeth over his rim lightly. Zayn cries out, the sound muffled by the duvet. Matt takes his mouth away, standing straight to slowly removes his clothes.

He keeps his eyes on Zayn, still arse up on the bed. Back heaving as he pants, lips parted against the bed sheets as he watches Matt undress.

Once he is naked he walks back behind Zayn, running his hands over his arse and up his back.

"I missed you." Zayn nods, eyes blinking rapidly.

"Me too. So much. Love you." Matt reaches his hand under Zayn, cupping his balls in his hand. Zayn moans, hips bucking.

Matt rolls his balls in his hands for a bit, watching as Zayn's breathing get more erratic.

He let's go, walking around the bed so he is standing by Zayn's head, dick hard and heavy. Matt takes a clump of his hair into his hand and lifts his head up. Zayn blinks up at him, eyes already clouded over.

He feel a rush of love at how content Zayn looks. He really had missed him so much. It was so good to have him back in his bed again.

"Want you to get me wet." Zayn is already opening his mouth before Matt finished talking, straining forward to get Matts cock in his mouth.

Matt shifts his hips forwards, groaning when his tip slips between Zayn's lips. He pauses to let Zayn lick around his slit before sliding the rest of the way in only stopping when Zayn gags and splutters around him, his shoulder tensing as he pulls at his wrist. Matt slides in and out slowly, Zayn's spit coating him and dripping down his chin as Matt keeps hitting the back of his throat.

"So good baby. Fucking love your mouth." Zayn makes a happy sound around his cock, watery eyes looking up at him. Matt speeds up, letting himself have a few moments of properly fucking Zayn's mouth. Zayn moans, eyes closing as he let's Matt use his mouth.

Matt yanks his head back. Zayn gasps for breath as soon as Matts cock slips out of his mouth, a line of spit connecting his lips to Matts cock. Matt pulls him up more so he can see his cock. Wet, red and curving towards his stomach.

"How did i get is lucky. You're so beautiful baby." Zayn sighs happily, licking his lips.

Matt let's go off his hair, Zayn falling to his chest on the bed.

Matt walks back round the bed again, flattening his hand on the curve of zayn's back as he pushes two fingers into him. He opens him up quickly, making sure to miss his prostate each time. Zayn starts whining, trying to angle his arse in the right position his noises getting louder every time Matt holds him in place.

He pulls his fingers out, giving Zayn's arse a light slap before pushing three back into him.

"Matt. Matt please. Matt." Zayn keeps muttering his name into the bed, arms tugging and hips rutting desperately.

Matt removes his fingers, leaning over Zayn's back to push them into his mouth.

Zayn gasps, eyes widening but he sucks them in, tongue twisting around the digits.  
"Don't leave me again. Never leave again." Zayn nods, lightly nibbling on Matt's fingers as he slips them out of his mouth. 

Matt pushes into him in one thrust, his hands tangling in Zayn's hair again pulling hard as he bottoms out, Zayn's head falling back. They both moan at the feeling, Zayn's arms jolting as Matt starts snapping his hips forward, his hips slapping against Zayn's arse. 

Matt keeps the pace fast and hard, Zayn's head falling back to the bed when Matt lets go of his hair to grip his hips. Zayn starts fucking back into Matt soft, desperate noises spilling from his lips mixing with Matt's soft grunts. 

When Matt feels himself getting close he stops, pulling out. Zayn protests, arse pushing back in search of Matt. 

Matt kisses over his back and up his neck, pushing his nose into the damp soft hairs near his ear before kissing back down again. 

"Want you on top of me." Matt helps Zayn get up onto his knees before laying down on his back on the bed. Zayn swings a leg over Matt's waist, rolling his shoulders as Matt grabs himself to line up with Zayn. Once his tip is inside, he holds onto Zayn's side to help keep his balance as he lowers down until his arse is seated on his lap. 

"Oh god." Matt closes his eyes, breathing in deeply. Zayn always feel so tight around him like this and it always takes his breath away for a second. Zayn starts bouncing, stomach clenching. Matt forces his eyes to stay open, watching him get worked up. Zayn always get so lost in his head when they have sex. His eyes unfocused, mumbled words pouring from him, his breath hitching. Matt loved that he does this to him. 

Once he is sure Zayn has his balance he starts fucking his hips up making him push into him deeper and harder. 

"Urgh, holy fuck Matt. Oh god." Matt sits up, biting gently on chin before kissing up to his lips. The kiss is sloppy. Zayn's lips parted as Matt licks into his mouth. 

"I'm gonna come." Matt pulls back, gripping the side of Zayn's neck.

"Not yet." Zayn whines, head falling to the side as Matt squeezes. 

"Can't-so close. Wanna come." Matt lays back down, hand trailing down Zayn's chest, fingers pinching his nipples making Zayn jolt and cry out. 

"Not yet baby. Not till I say. It's so good, just a bit longer." Zayn shakes his head, a tear falling from the corer of his eye. Matt reaches up to wipe it away before reaching around to start untying Zayn's wrist. He tips him back, shifting his hips so he slips out of him. 

"No, no don't stop. I'm sorry I will wait. Don't stop," Matt shushes him, moving him on the bed until he is laying with his head on the pillows. He lifts Zayn's arm above his head, tying them to the bed frame. Zayn looks up as he tugs gently. Matt slides his hand between the material and his wrist to make sure it not too tight. Happy that he wont hurt Zayn he crawls up Zayn's body slowly wanking himself. Zayn watches him, tongue darting out to lick his lips. Matt presses the tip to his lips, spreading his wetness across his bottom lip, hand still working over his length. Zayn eyes flick up to meet Matt's as he pokes his tongue out to lick across his slit. 

"God yes babe. Such a dirty boy." Matt leans down, rubbing a small circle over Zayn's cheeks. 

"You a dirty boy baby?" Zayn swollows the nods.

"Yeah. I'm a dirty boy" A light blush spread over his cheeks making Matt smile down a him. 

"You are my boy" Matt pushes his cock into Zayn's mouth, holding the back of his head as he fucks into his throat. Zayn gags loudly, tears springing to his eyes as he tugs hard on the tie. 

"Yes, yes , yes god. Fuck Zayn. So fucking- ah- fucking perfect. Take everything." Zayn pulls on the tie again, fingers tensing as he breaths in deeply though his nose. Matt stills, before slowly pulling out of his mouth. He sits back on Zayn's cock as he catches his breath, slowly rolling his hips. Zayn cock slips between his cheeks, hard and wet.

"Please," His voice is completely wreaked, face soaked with tears. So beautiful. "Please let me come. It hurts." Matt kisses him. Zayn eagerly kissing back, his lips wet and puffy but still so soft and warm. Matt grabs Zayn's legs pulling them up as he moves to lay between them. He pushes back into Zayn, his cock pulsing as Zayn takes him in easily. 

"I love you. Love you so much." Zayn sobs writhing around on the bed his moans getting louder. Matt sits back onto his knees, hooking his arms under Zayn's legs and lifting them up so he can see where he is fucking into Zayn. 

"Come for me." Zayn's body tenses as he starts spilling over his stomach, come shooting all the way up to his neck as he screams out Matt's name. Matt follows with his own gruntled moan, moving his hips back so some of his come drips out of Zayn before he pushes it back in, his cock twitching as another wave of come spills from him. 

He lets go of Zayn's legs, Zayn going limp on the bed. Matt unties him, hands shaking from his orgasm as he drops the tie to the floor and flops on top of Zayn, arms and legs wrapping tightly around him as he rolls them onto their sides. 

"You make me so happy." Zayn nods, pressing a kiss to Matt's sweat soaked chest his body wiggling to be closer to him. They lay silently for a while, Matt stroking his hands up and down Zayn's back as his breathing slowly starts to settle down. 

He is not sure what makes him say it. Either the high from the mind blowing sex they just had or simply the massive never ending love he felt for Zayn. All he knows is that he never, ever regret the moment. 

"Marry me?" Zayn laughs, pushing against Matt until he flops onto his back, Zayn resting over him. 

"Was my arse that good?" 

"No. Well yes, but I'm being serious. I want to marry you. So will you Marry me?" Zayn gasp, sitting upright.

"Matt what the hell?" Matt feels surprisingly calm for someone who just asked their boyfriend of a few months to marry them. Which he just takes to mean this is the right thing to do. 

"I know I don't have a ring and this is not the most romantic setting and we don't even really live together yet. We love each other and what we have is so good. Marrying you is something I really want. I want your last name, I want to be your husband. We can buy a house Zayn. One with space for a art studio and a playroom. I want to come home to you, my husband, everyday and our kids. We would be so good at being married Zayn. Please marry me?" Zayn lets out a loud sob, hand covering his mouth as he laughs. 

"I want all that too. Please can we have all that? Yes! Yes I will marry you!" Zayn throws himself back down to kiss Matt, noses pushed together. 

"I want so much with you Matt. We are going to have the best life you and me. Forever." 

xxxxxxxx

"Rae honey can you stay by my side." Rae stumbles as she stops, waiting for Matt and Zayn to catch up before she start a slow walk again. Zayn ruffles her hair before turning his attention to Elliott asleep in his baby carrier. 

Matt wonders if it weird he finds the sight of Zayn with their son strapped to his chest highly arousing. 

"Your shoe is undone." Since they had Elliott its like Zayn has developed five sets of eyes. His attention not once leaving Elliott as he points out Matt's shoelaces. They are already outside the cafe they where planning to grab some lunch at so Matt tells Zayn to go in with the kids and order while he ties his laces. 

His phone beeps a couple of times with some messages from work so he quickly replies before heading inside. The smell of coffee hits him as soon as he opens the door. He finds Zayn easily and as soon as he does all the sound of people talking and coffee machines hissing completely fade away. 

He recognises him straight away from the books Zayn thinks Matt doesn't know are shoved in the back of his wardrobe. 

Niall. 

He is back. 

Matt forces his feet to move forward even though he is suddenly filled with the urge to turn and run. Zayn spots him coming, his face brightening. 

"Oh, and this is my husband Matthew." He looks better in person then he does on the back of his books. Handsome. So bloody handsome. 

He looks confused as he glancing between them all. It seems he is a little thrown off. Matt puts his arms around Zayn, suddenly feel protective. Rae is hiding and looking shy, her little body wedged between his and Zayn's. 

"Matthew this is Niall." Niall raises an eyebrow his eyes roaming over Matt as Matt holds his hand out for him. Niall takes it, his handshake weak. 

"You look a little lost. Matthew maybe you should go take Rae to sit down, they have some of them crayons and books out that she like." Matt wants to protest. He wants to stamp his feet and refuse to leave Zayn on his own. Then he thinks of Zayn. Seventeen year old Zayn, disappointed when he couldn't give his letter to Niall. When he could not explain and say sorry. Niall was here. This was an important moment for Zayn. He couldn't take it away from him. 

"Okay. It was lovely to meet you Niall, Zayn has said some lovely things about you, you must come out with us at some point." Niall still looked confused as he watches Matt head towards a table with Rae. He makes sure to sit where he can still see them both, gathering some crayons for Rae and sliding the small colouring book closer. Zayn motions behind Niall where his drink has been placed down and he turns to take it before following Zayn to sit down at a table by the door. Zayn lowers himself into the seat slowly, hand flat to the back of Elliott's carrier to be careful not to bump him.

Matt loves him so much. They have a beautiful family. He has nothing to worry about. 

He can't work out what they are saying but Zayn is smiling down at Elliott, stroking his cheeks as they talk. Zayn turns to look at him suddenly, eye crinkling as his smile grew. Matt smiled back then turned his attention to Rae, asking her about the picture she was colouring. 

He kept taking small glances up. Niall seems to relax, leaning closer to have a look at Elliott. They must be talking about him, Zayn kissing his forehead. 

Matt tries to focus on Rae. Not wanting to be caught staring and looking possessive. He had never felt like this before. They did not have any friends. They had never felt the need to. So Matt was used to having Zayn all to himself. Now there was Niall. If he was back would they be taking another shot at being friends? Does Zayn still love him? The books hidden away certainly made it seem like he did. What would that mean for them?

He looks over again just in time to see Zayn grabbing Niall's hands over the able. He has to look away his stomach giving an unpleasant flip. 

He has nothing to worry about. He was Zayn's husband. Maybe Niall was back for Harry. Matt had Zayn and Niall belonged to someone else. 

They don't talk for long in the end. Niall getting up and leaving with his drink. Zayn stays sitting for a moment before sliding out and walking over to sit across from Matt. 

"That was quite a surprise huh?" It's a miracle he manages to keep his voice light. Zayn runs his hands over his hair, letting out a breath. 

"Yeah. I was so shocked to see him. Glad though, really glad I got to talk to him a bit. I think we might be able to be friends."

"Did he say that?" Matt has to look away from Zayn, focusing on the girl behind the counter. 

"Kinda. I don't want to get my hopes up. It would be so good if him and Harry got back together though. What are you going to order?" Matt just shrugs, the idea of eating making his stomach turn. He wanted to go back. Suggest they stay at home today. He wants to go back and never have Zayn in the same room as Niall. 

"Matt, are you okay?" Matt puts a smile on his face looking back at Zayn. 

"Yes of course. Think I will have the tuna crunch sandwich." Zayn gives him a weary look but lets it drop. 

He had nothing to worry about. He just has to remember that Zayn belongs to him. He belongs to Zayn. The have a good life and he has nothing to worry about. 

xxxxxxx

Turns out Niall is a fucking hoot. 

It only takes about five minutes in the company of him and Harry before Matt fully relaxes and enjoys himself. 

Niall talks non stop about his travels, Matt snorting with laughter while Harry sits as close to him as he can, listening with wide interested eyes. Its probably the most adorable thing Matt has ever seen. 

There is so much love pouring out of both of them, which is what makes Matt chill out a little. They barely have eyes for anyone else. 

Harry looked different from want Matt remembers from his visit to the rehab centre. Healthier. Happier.

Zayn had been a nervous wreak after Niall invited them and the kids over to Harry's house for a BBQ. Even more so when he heard Liam was going to be there. 

"It's just, I haven't seen him since it all happened and I have no idea what he thinks of me. What if he like punches me in the face." He had whispered frantically as they all walked up the path to Harry's house. 

In the end Liam had stared him down for a few seconds, letting him squirm for a bit before holding his hands out. 

"Apparently fresh starts are the happening thing right now." Zayn looked like he was going to pass out with relief as he shook Liam's hand. Now the pair where huddled up together, Elliott cradled in Liam's arm. 

"Have you travelled much Matt?" Niall asks, as he curls into Harry sides reaching for a chicken wing.

"No. Afraid I've lived a bit dull."

"He focused on his studies." Zayn's arms slides around his neck as he bent down to kiss the corner of his mouth.  
"Thank god. Might have never met him if him went gallivanting around the world." Harry aw's them as Zayn sits down on his lip. Rae comes running over from where she had been playing with some of Liam's old toys. She gives everyone a shy look before plopping down by Zayn and Matts feet. She has ketchup down her blue summer dress, mud over her cheek and half her hair has fallen out of her plait. She looks sun kissed and beautiful.  
Niall and Harry both stare at her for a moment before looking at each other with flushed cheeks.

"Watch out Macy don't catch ya with a baby in your arms Lima." Niall says around a smile as Liam wonders over. Liam tuts, easing down in the seat next to Harry his hands covering most of Elliott's back.

"You and Macy are still together?" Zayn sounds delighted, wigging on Matts lap.

"Yep! Just over four years now."

"Sweet dude. That's awesome. Macy is a good one, always liked her." Elliott starts to wiggle and make unhappy noises in Liam's arms. Zayn gets up with a groan going over to Elliott's bag to grab a bottle. He tucks it into the pocket of his jumper as he comes back over leaning down to take Elliott from Liam.

"Hey my little sunshine. You hungry. Daddy got a bot,bot for you." Zayn blows a small raspberry on Elliott's chubby cheek, Elliott's hands shoving into his hair and pulling lightly. Zayn settles down on a empty chair, knocking the bottle lid of with his teeth.

"Man. Seeing you with kids is as equally weird as it is bloody cute." Niall's head lolls back as he watches Zayn.

Zayn does have habit of looking extra cute when he feeds Elliott. He zone's out, attention fully on his son. He gets a loopy sort of smile on his face, eyes full of love as he looks down at a face that is so much like his own.

He always looks so confidante too. Comfortable. Like it really was what he was suppose to be doing. Caring and loving for his children.

Matt's heart grows with more love each day. He thought it was impossible but it was happening.

"Do you think you will have more?" Matt scratches at the side of his nose, his lips curving at the look Zayn is trying to not give him. They hadn't spoken about it but Matt knows Zayn's hints pretty well.

"Definitely. Right babe?" Zayn nods, cheeks turning rosy as he smiles.

"Yes for sure. I would like to adopt again, like with Rae. Then if I can get Matt to agree I would like a fourth, like with Elliott but with Matts you know-stuff." Harry snorts, muttering 'stuff' under his breath.

"So your sister carried Elliott for you? How did that work? Was it weird?" Matt and Zayn both share a look, recognising the look in Niall's eyes.

Him and Harry had only been back together for a little over a month, but Niall had been in love with him since he was sixteen. Matt doesn't blame him for having babies on the brain.

"It never felt weird to us. We just had an egg donor and then I provided the necessities from my side and then Waliyha cooked him up for us. It was awesome."

"That's so cool." Zayn moved Elliott's bottle away once he starts batting at it, obviously loosing interest.

"It was cool-" Zayn sits Elliott up straight, rubbing at his back to help with wind. Harry and Niall both watch him, faces like goo.  
"-The process was long, the first attempt actually didn't work. But it was worth it. Adoption was just as long so we didn't mind waiting." Elliott turns his head to look up at Zayn, letting out a loud squeal before throwing up on his top.

Liam's face scrunches up in disgust making Matt laugh.

"That lads is why you never leave the house without at least two changes of clothes." Zayn rolls his eyes, handing Elliott over to Matt so he can get up and go change his top.

Elliott starts chewing on Matts finger, making cute little wet noises.

Niall sighs watches him go. Liam let's out a breath, leaning back in his chair.

"You two are ridiculously cute."

"Thanks." Matt snuggles Elliott closer to him, leaning down a little to breath in the sweet smell of his baby shampoo from the bath Matt had given him before they came over.

"And thanks for giving Zayn a chance. Its a big deal too him. Its a lot of guilt off his shoulders." Niall gives an easy shrug, smiling down at Rae as one of her toys rolls against his shoe.

"Everyone deserves a second chance. We all grew up a little. We all made mistakes. It ended up good in the end." He smiles across at Harry who leans over to close the small gap between them to kiss him.

Niall smiles, stroking down his face as he deepens the kiss pulling back once Liam starts gagging.

Rae giggles, a blush spreading over her face after Liam sends her a wink.

Zayn comes back out, smoothing his hands down the grey shirt he had changed into.

He scoops Elliott off Matts lap, making a growling sounds as he blew a raspberry onto his belly. Elliott laughs hands slapping Zayn's cheek.

"You got Daddy good you little stinker. Anyone want a squeeze?" Niall and Harry both have their hands out in a flash. Niall makes a point to stretch out further then Harry, fingers wiggling so Zayn passes Elliott to him with a chuckle before settling down on Matts lap once again.

They don't stay much longer after that. Rae starting to yawn and grumble.

Harry and Niall walk them to the door, Liam hanging back to start cleaning up.

Matt bends down to help Rae put her jumper back on as Niall pulls Zayn into a hug.

Zayn hugs him back tightly.

"You are welcome to come hang out whenever yeah. All of you." Zayn nods, hands falling back to his side as Niall steps out of the hug.

"You got yourself a beautiful family. You should be proud of yourself Zayn." Zayn nods again, throat bobbing. Matt stands and takes his hand giving it a squeeze.

"Thank you for having us." Zayn sniffs, wiping his hand over his nose.

"Yes thank you. Thanks. So much, it means so much."

Xxxxx

Its good after that.  
Its more then good.

He loves Niall and Harry.

He loves Liam and Louis and Cassie and Macy and River. He has this big family and Zayn is happy all the time and everything is just so good.

His kids are surrounded by people who love them unconditional.

Its perfect.

Until it isn't.

X

At first Matt just thinks he is overthinking things.  
Then he knows he's not.

Zayn will find the smallest excuse to go over and see Niall.

He will lean towards him as soon as he is in the same room.

Nights spent at home alone with Zayn's face buried in his phone texting Niall.

Date nights cancelled because Niall wants to hang out. Zayn leaving with a easy "You don't mind do you babe? Haven't seen him for a couple of days?" and he knows Zayn does not mean to do it. He knows Zayn is just excited and happy and enjoying life. He knows they are still good. Their marriage is still perfect and Zayn has given him no reason to worry. It's just that Zayn and Niall are getting closer and closer and sometimes even Harry will get a look come over his face when he watches them together. 

He tells himself he is being ridiculous. Zayn still looks at him like its the first day he fell in love with him. Niall and Harry are sickeningly in love. Matt and Zayn are even helping them with their own adoption process. 

But then Zayn starts mentioning him more. He laughs louder. He smiles brighter. Until eventually the way he looks at Niall is also the way he looks at Matt and he knows. He just knows Niall is getting more and more of Zayn's heart, even if he didn't want it. 

It's like a punch to the gut every time. 

xxxxxxxxxx

"Mm, babe." Zayn gasp, back arching off the bed, his hands tangling in the pillow by his head. "Matt." His eyes roll before his lids close, his lips parting as he lets out a shaky breath. Matt fucks into him slowly, lips trailing over his chest his hands sliding up to wrap around Zayn's wrists. 

When Zayn opens his eyes again his has a look in his eyes that sends him back to earlier.

He was sure he had seen that look in Zayn's eyes when they where with Niall. 

Had Niall looked back with the same look? Could he be missing it? Should he be more worried about it? Would he miss it? He might have missed it. 

"Where did you go?" Matt blinks, focusing back on Zayn. 

"Huh" Zayn laugh is cut of with a breathy moan, his legs twitching before tightening around Matt's waist. 

"I'm stuffed full of you but it feels like you're in a completely different room."

"Stuffed full of me?" Matt kisses him, swiping his tongue over his lip. "Keep talking like that baby and this will be over in seconds." Zayn laughs, yanking Matt down for another kiss as he starts fucking into him harder. 

"There you are, that's better. Fuck baby so much better." Zayn pushes the heel of his feet into Matts bum, raising his hips and pushing him in deeper as Matt leans over his head to grip the headboard.

"Fuck." Zayn chokes the word out, mouth falling open as he moans. 

"Harder, harder please." Matt starts snapping his hips forward quicker watching Zayn's face screw up and fling back against the pillow.  
"Oh god yes, like that, right there." Matt kisses him swallowing his moans and tasting the inside of his mouth.  
"Always fuck me so good, so good to me I love you so much." Matt loves how easily Zayn loses control when he has a dick in him, can't keep his words in, stripped complete bare. Would he let Niall do that to him? Does he ever think about it? When he is with Matt does he let his mind wonder to Niall? Zayn comes with a startled cry like he had not been expecting it, shooting between them. He starts urging Matt on, hand sliding down to squeeze at his arse, a finger slipping between his cheeks. 

"Come on baby. Love when you come in me." Matt closes his eyes and tries to focus but he has put the idea in his head now and all he can see is flashes of Zayn underneath Niall. Clinging onto Niall as he comes. Kissing Niall. Fucking Niall. Being with Niall. 

He opens his eyes again when he feels himself going soft, the surprise clear in Zayn's eyes as Matt rolls off him.

"I can't. I'm sorry." His voice is shaking and he just wants to get out of the room. He is embarrassed and ashamed of where he let his mind go. He knows how hurt Zayn would be if he knew what he was thinking. 

Zayn sits up, covering himself with the blanket looking hurt.  
"I'm sorry, was it me?" Matt doesn't answer, he can't so he just gets off the bed grabbing his jogging bottoms, desperate to cover himself up.  
"Matt talk to me please. You've never-"  
"I'm aware Zayn thanks." Matt snaps making Zayn shy away tugging the blanket future up his body looking away, but not before Matt can see he is getting tearful.  
"Maybe we need to try something else. I can blow you. You love my mouth." He drops the blanket suddenly looking determined as he crawls across the bed. Matt backs off shaking his head.  
"No." Zayn stops, cheeks heating up.  
"Well, what would you like? You want me on top? Or I could fuck you? We could try porn?" Zayn suggest reaching for his phone. Matt starts grabbing the rest of his clothes because its too much. He can't look at Zayn and he cant be near him right now. Not when he feels seconds away from breaking down.  
"Forget it Zayn. Moments over OK? I won't be able to come it's not the end of the world so let's get over it." Zayn nods, quickly wiping away a tear.  
"yeah of course. I will just go get cleaned up and we can cuddle." He gets off the bed heading towards the bathroom.  
"I'm just going to go watch some TV. You sleep." Matt leaves the room without looking back at him. 

He knows it's the wrong thing to do. Leaving Zayn alone and wondering if it his fault. But its not fair. It not fair that Matt has to deal with him loving someone else. It's not fucking fair. He doesn't want to deal with it anymore. He has to do something before he loses Zayn for good. 

xxxxxxx

Matt looks around him as he hoists his bag back up onto his shoulders. Its a beautiful place. He wishes it was somewhere he was visiting with Zayn. He would love the buildings. The colours. The cute cobblestone streets. He would spend hours sat in a windowsill sketching and painting. 

Its wasted on Matt really. He doesn't see beauty the same way Zayn does. 

God, why was he even here?

What was he doing? This was crazy. He was crazy. He had lied to his husband and hopped onto a plane to Italy. For what? 

He should just go home. Tell Zayn his fake work trip was cancelled. Move on and pretend he never had this crazy plan in his head. 

Zayn loves him. He would never leave him. He was probably sat at home moping right now wishing Matt was with him. He wishes he was with Zayn, and the kids. 

This was just crazy. He will go home. 

Of course he is never going to lose Zayn. 

Just a crazy moment. A crazy thought. 

Thank god he didn't take it too far. 

He can go home now and it will all be fine. 

Zayn would be so happy to see him back early. 

Matt will take him out. Spoil him. Make up for this ridiculous plan he had swimming round in his head. 

Matt takes one last look at the small restaurant in front of him before turning to head back and wait for a boat to take him back across the river. 

His phone beeps in his pocket. He pulls it out eagerly presuming it will be from Zayn. Maybe he can act like he is getting settled into his hotel. Then he really will be surprised when he arrives home. 

It's not Zayn. He pouts as he opens the text from River. 

She has sent him a selfie of herself, cradling her small baby bump.

Heyy uncle Matty i'm growing.

The picture has been taken in Harry's lounge. In the background he can see Zayn straddling Niall's lap holding his hands high above his head. Both are laughing, Zayn's head falling forward, forehead almost resting on Niall's. 

Not at home missing him then. It hurts. Looking at the picture and seeing how happy Zayn looks. How happy Niall looks. 

He types out a quick reply to River before locking his phone and sliding it back into his pocket. 

Had Matt made him laugh like that recently?  
He can't remember. Why can't he remember?

Forever. That's why he was doing this. He has to make sure they are forever. 

He turns back around, face set and determined as he walks into the restaurant.  
x

We are going to have the best life me and you, Forever.


End file.
